My brain is crying out for some kind of release. It is sick of being holed up inside my skull. Day in day out, its the same thing. I go to work, I come home from work, I wait for work, then I go back to work. I need mental stimulation. I want to go back to school.

But I am far past that entire idea.

Maybe I need a more stimulating job. My current job/s require minimal mental tasks. Clean. Clean. Cook. Clean. Cook. Clean. Occasionally I'll have to do two second maths to work out numbers, but its not enough.

I often find myself adding numbers in my head, money I don't have, money I do have, money I'm owed. I've done it all 100 times today, but I'll do it again.


I work at McDonalds. Sometimes. When they roster me on. Which they don't. I'm only there for the extra cash. When I do counter shifts, I often quickly count the customers money myself, in my head, then check my answer on the register and issue their change. Its an awesome victory to be right. But...wait, I think that's the highlight of my day.

Maybe I need to go out and socialise.
My friends, my family, people I know, they all go out and socialise. Some thrive on a social calender. I know some people who find themselves lost and depressed if a few days go by without some kind of social stimulation.

I'm happy being at home. I have Nathan, we have endless things to talk about. We watch movies, play video games, sometimes we even go out. But I think that constantly spending time together is going to put too much strain on our relationship.

When he goes out with friends, I get jealous because I haven't got friends who want to go out.

When I do manage to go out with friends, I spend the entire time thinking about whether he is happy to be sitting at home alone, then I worry that he is upset and cut my social time short to make sure.


I don't know if it is an expectation of me to want to go out every weekend and get drunk or high, or spend the night at someone else's house every once in a while. But I feel like it is. As every single weekend rushes by while I stand in the kitchen at The Alibi Room, as every happy group of people pass through, getting drunk, having meals, talking all the gossip they can, all I can do is think about how much I would like to be at home. Waiting for Nathan to come home, so I can cook our dinner, play a video game, watch a movie then fall asleep.

I think it is my reliance on this constant occurance, that is going to break my mentality down.

But it is due to this occurance, that I finally have money left over from my pays, I own things I never thought I could. I am able to save money.


I don't know. I am so confused. I don't know what is right anymore.
I don't know where I am at.

I'm planning on moving out in August, when my loan is paid off and the lease here runs out. Nathan wants to come with me, hopefully that is something we can achieve. I'd like a nice little house somewhere within easy travelling distance to the city. Then after that, I'm going to save as much money as possible until christmas, then take my christmas holidays off in another country.

I've set this goal, I hope I can achieve it. I'm going to work my guts out, and live without the luxuries of life, I want to do things before I am old. Just to say that I did.

I also need to get my license.
Fuck.