Myspace wont work. But i really need to write some emotions out. I'd prefer to not have this public, but I also don't like to hide how I feel.

Life has a mean way of showing ironic and cruel moments. Let me tell you why. I am going to assign a person with a letter.

A, B, C and D.

A was too tired to hang out with me today, which he then later explained why on msn. As this discussion was happening, I was talking to B. B and I were just having standard convo. The I added C to msn, to talk to her. As soon as C started talking to me, all the conversations turned in one direction... at my heart. I thought A might lilke me, might, you know, just that kinda like when you first start talking to somewhere... when you hardly know someone yet you know them so well. B was asking me about A, and I was talking about that feeling. C started talking about D, who had hurt me pretty bad about a month ago. Until this point, everything was going smooth. THEN!

A suddenly changed the convo in a direction that I didn't see coming.
When this had happened, I was talking as a optimist to B... then after I read what A said, I gave an "or else I could be totally wrong." Then suddenly, C's convo about D made me feel like crap too... And.... everything just went down the crapper.

Morel of the story is: Stop caring, because you just get hurt.

C had a good talk with me, so I feel better. But, I have a serious problem of thinking I can read people when I really can't. I also seem to be getting good at finding guys that are already in a love interest, or are totally insane.

I am really tired. As I have said in my blogs. I am so tired of this crap. It seems so stupid that I have to go though all these flaming hoops, to only land on my ass.

Love has betraid me. I even tried to stop looking for it... but then I get this false illusion that I found it any way. I keep breaking down. I am relapsing to grade 10. I am not good. I am not happy. This is not good. I don't need this, want this... I want out, and away. I need away. Fuck, you have no idea how much i need away from all these reminders and crap. You have no idea how much I try to listen to people when they tell me "it isn't that important, being single isn't that bad." For me it is. Okay? I don't know why. I think I know why, but if I actually knew, I wouldn't feel this way. I don't think I can know. I have tried my whole life to not feel alone. But I always do. I can feel alone surrounded by friends. I can feel alone when I am dating someone. The only time I don't feel alone is either when I get lost in something else (a book, a movie, an emotion) or else I think I am in love. Otherwise, it is all I feel. This constant feeling that wont let go. It is like something is pulling down on my lungs. It is like the air around my chills. It feels like I am haunted from the inside. Like I am missing something. Like I lost something. I can't remeber a time I didn't feel this way. I felt this way when I was a kid, even. Before I even knew what attraction was. Maybe in some sad way this is all tied back to my broken family. My rejection from my own father... and my mother seeming to 'move on.' My life is a ghost. As not being loved. I know people love me, but I can't feel it. All I feel is empty. I have already gone through 3 years of professional counseling. It's done nothing. It gave me this faulse allusion that things were better... that I have gotten better... but I have never really changed. I had, have, and always will be this monster. This person... no... this ghost. I don't fear death. I get scared, but I am not scared of death. I am scared of pain, but not in the idea of not existing. It is not right. I should be afraid. I think I see myself as a living corpse. Maybe that's what I felt about Tom. He isn't there, I'm not here, maybe we were in the same place. Or maybe it was just me being led on, then him pulling away. Most likely that is it, because the more time I spend living, the less romantic it feels. I used to be all about the romance. Now it all seems pointless. Maybe I can't feel love. Maybe all I can feel is the need for love? Maybe it is my life mission to find something I can never achieve. If that is the fact, that it makes sense why i don't fear death, because I have found my meaning in life, and feel completed. But I don't feel completed.. but that's the whole thing, isn't it? Fuck, I sound insane. Maybe I am. It happens to people. The difference is that I have control. Maybe I feel like shit on the inside, but I am world class at forgetting things that matter. I don't fake being happy... I am actually happy... when I am forgetting about all this stuff. But as soon as I start thinking about it, it is all I think about. It is like... nothing. There is nothing to relate this too. To relate this to something would only be shrinking it's meaning. My babbling should be enough to explain it.

Well, I feel better typing that all out. It was all true, but most of it was just venting, so please don't take concern over it. Then you probably ask "if he doesn't want attention, why did he post it?" My reason is simple. I feel a lot better when stuff like this is in the open. I feel like I didn't just tell a few people, but everyone. I feel as though I repented on my sins and my faults. Simply deleting this would make all my thinking pointless. And maybe, just maybe, someone, or everyone, feels the same way. And that's the problem with our world. Not enough people can just let go and talk. Just honestly talk. Get it all of their mind. No matter how crazy they sound, how stupid, or how lame. Saying alll this to a person would be hard, for anyone, so yeah, that's why I sat down for the last... I don't even know how long, and just typed. I didn't go back and read and fix grammar or sentence structure, I just typed. I did fix spelling, because I can't spell, and the only way I will ever learn is by fixing.

I think this is one of my longest blog entries, and it isn't even in my blog. I think I may need to star a new blog. Myspace is too unreliable.