might have been the title of my review of My December, but I'm still not writing it. When I got her last album, I liked exactly half of the album. And then her record company pulled a Chili Pepper and released every single fucking good song from the album. I mean, yeah, good for her, but I'm one of those people, so it bummed me out.

And it must've bummed her out too, because this time she wrote like, no good songs. I've avoided reading any reviews of the album because I wanted to write my own fresh one, so I have no idea what songs from this album are on the radio, or are slated to be singles. All I know is that she didn't put out any songs that the record company wanted her to put out, and yes, I applaud her for that. BUT, the songs we're left with are mostly just generic farts. Yes, her voice is still incredible, but the rock songs don't rock and the lyrics are mostly corny, repetitive, and way watered down Jagged Little Pill, which is already watered down high school poetry.

M-O-N-K-E-Y

MOOOOOOOOOONKEY

R-O-B-O-T

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOBOT

Sorry, I love that "Gloria" breakdown Kochalka does on "Monkey vs. Robot." People should just yell that in the middle of conversations. Hearing it makes me wish that more bands could combine a sense of humor with a sense of history while simultaneously writing their own original material. To me, that's what songwriting is about.

Now I don't mean to go off on a rant here... (see what I mean, see how much interesting things are when you make references? I mean, how much of your thoughts are original anyway? Create your art with a little fucking humility for once. Not that my writing is in anyway art, but I've incorporated my philosophy about art into my philosophy about everything. Or maybe I'm just lazy. Did I really just act like I have a fucking philosophy about anything?) but a great record involves these things, as outlined by Steve Wynn (and paraphrased by me) on page 433 of Rolling Stone's Alt-Rock-A-Rama:

1. Funny - "refusal to take onself too seriously"
2. Scary -  "a raw, unsettling glimpse into the more disturbing aspects of the human psyche"
3. Sexy - "the steamy sultry swagger that seduces and devastates"
4. The potential of falling apart at any moment - "This is the most important factor. The sound of too much rehearsal, production, forethought or (God forbid) cleverness can ruin the whole thing. Each song has to sound as if it's the only time the band has ever or would ever play it in its life. The best songs teeter, wobble and threaten to fall of the tightrope, but never fully plummet from those heights."

I couldn't pull just one quote from 4 so I gave you the whole shebang. Anyway, the Kelly Clarkson album has a few songs that I really like, and they are the wimpiest and most stripped down tracks on there. Those are the only ones where she doesn't sound like she's going through the motions. One of my big criticisms of the last album was that I just didn't take her seriously when she was using drug metaphors to describe breakups and hating herself and being empty and other tired crap cliches.

Here she pulls that same Trent Reznor hackneyed bullshit in "Hole" - "There's a hole/Inside of me/It's so damn cold/Slowly killing me." I can't get on board with that garbage. The music for most of that song actually sounds like a weak Helmet or really, really, really weak Soundgarden inspired riff. Again, I applaud her for taking those risks, and that's why I bought the album. Unfortunately, in the rock world, those are not even risks. Most of the drumming sounds like what I can do with my drum machine in a couple hours and the guitar and bass is really barely there. Which is unfortunate because fucking Mike Watt is on a few tracks!

Some other shit that sounds like other shit:

"Sober" - some of the melodies remind me of that Evanescence song. The one that's also about being sober. And I admit, I thought that song was catchy, and therefore, this one becomes catchy. In fact, many of the songs on this is album are in fact catchy, but equally generic. That's a wash in my book.

"Judas" - this song itself doesn't sound like anything I know, but one of the repeated lyrics, "Forgetting me...",  really sounds like she keeps saying "For Geddy Lee" which would be absolutely fucking hilarious if it were true.

Hmmm... maybe

Geddy Lee : Kelly Clarkson :: Dave Coulier : Alanis Morisette

I want everyone to go listen to this song and then start a petition for Kelly Clarkson to officially change this lyric, so that way she'll sell a couple million extra copies in Canada. Maybe I'll propose this when I go back to Montreal in September.

"Be Still" - Now this is the fucking high point of the album. I gave this 5 stars on my Zen ("zen" coincidentally, is not considered a word by my Electronic Arts' produced mobile phone version of Scrabble). I don't think I'll be able to accurately describe how it sounds. I can see it playing in a dimly lit room. Maybe candle lit! I don't know if it's supposed to be romantic or not because lyrics often mean nothing to me, but this one makes me warm inside. Not fuzzy, just warm. There are melodies in it that sound exactly like "Butterfly" off Weezer's Pinkerton. It has kind of a similar melancholy feel, but there's some basic percussion and saxamophone added to go along with the bare bones guitar, which makes a little sexier, if you will. And maybe I will. Oh yes, I will.

It's such a crime that this song is only 3 minutes long. I want it to be like the 7-minute Battles song "ATLAS" that I really want to 16 minutes. I have probably listened to "Be Still" 25 times already because it is THE WINNER OF THE ALBUM. But I bet it won't be a single. One of my favorite songs on the last album was also one of the sissiest -"Where is Your Heart?" That was only great track from Breakaway that wasn't sent to radio, and I'm glad. For me. If "Be Still" goes to radio, I want you all to remember who loved it first and hardest.

The track that comes after "Be Still" is very similar in tone. It takes a few minutes before the loudish rockish band comes back in the picture, and it's all right. This time.

"Can I Have a Kiss" is bueno too with a nice chorus that hiccups a bit. Watt's on this one. Still probably will not be radio hit, but to me, it's every bit as good as the last 3 or 4 singles from Breakaway that came after "Since U Been Gone." It doesn't help that it's way at the end of the fucking album. Christ, who sequenced this shit? I want to know what the fuck happened here. I want to hear all the songs that didn't make the album. They better get leaked. Kelly Clarkson needs to have fucking Rick Rubin produce her next album or something. She should start hanging out with System of a Down. Those guys aren't doing anything right now, are they? Is System of a Down even still together? I made Kirk listen to a System of a Down album on the way back from Toledo. He chuckled a few times.

Finally, there is a hidden track on the album which is also really friggin' good. Sounds like some Norah Jones-y crap that chicks seem to dig. I was first drawn to it because it sounded like she was saying "So much for true love, I'll take the shit list instead" but I think she's actually saying "I'll take the shivers instead."

Maybe she's got some growing up to do? I don't fucking know. Most of her stuff is like bitter breakup stuff, but even I can't identify with it. Who can? 13 year old girls? I write better blogs than 13 year old girls. Make me your audience for a change. I want to be your target market. Everyone my age ate up "Since U Been Gone" because it's barely bitter. I mean, the lyrics are bitter, but the song is upbeat, bittersweet even. Nobody wants bitter except for NIN fans. And fuck them.