A new priest at his 1st mass was so nervous he cud hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "Wen Im worried bout getn nervous on d pulpit, I put a glass of vodka nxt 2d water glass. If I get nervous, I take a sip"
So nxt Sun he tuk his advice. At start of d sermon, he got nervous+took a drink.
He went on 2talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1)Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass.
6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as d late J.C.
7)The father, son +d holy ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8)david slew goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9)Wen david was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer 2d cross as "The Big T"
11)When Jesus broke d bread at the last supper he said "take this and eat it for it is my body" He didnt say "Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary wit a Cherry"