If you'll tolerate me for a few minutes, I'm going to do some serious blogging as it were...shocking I know.

While I was driving home from upstate, thinking about my trip I got depressed like I always do.  It happens every time so that's not really noteworthy, but this time was I had a weird epiphany of sorts.  After a fairly long discussion that I never really touched base on my life and such I found what I hope to be a lasting source of motivation for me.  Ever since I left Oswego I've had moments and plans filled with grand ambition that's never turned into anything.  But I feel like now for the first time I have something to really motivate me.   I decided that it's time I change a lot of things about me.  Most of this stuff no one will really know about or notice, but for the first time I have some long term goals with specific steps of achieving them.

On a related note I'm slowly driving myself insane/depressing myself thinking about everything these past two days.  There's quite a few things that I really want but will never/can't happen.  And it's making me depressed, but at least I've got a new Damnwells record(btw this won't be the only Damnwells plug, download this CD it's good and free).  The more I think about it the more unsure I am about everything.  I mean I had what I thought to be really clear thoughts in my head and as things usually go the more I thought about them the more unsure I've become.  All I know is that I really can't stop thinking about this and it's making me...uneasy for lack of a better term.

I really don't think I'm ready for this next stage of my life to begin in full.  I'm not ready for all of my friends to be moving on.  And it's not that I'd wish a few of them screwed up along the way with me, I'm not that selfish, it's just that they're all going to be moving on and possibly moving away.  And now I'm realizing I'm not ready for that.  I missed out on a lot the last couple of years and it's finally catching up with me.  That's one thing I wish I could change about myself, despite being incredibly focused on doing what is best for me right now I rarely appreciate anything until it's much too late.  I'm just hoping that I haven't missed out entirely on some things and there's still time for me at least make myself feel a little bit better.

"You said I was made to inspire
I can change lives if you change me"
-The Devil And The Lion


I've only listened to a few things this past week...
-The Devil and The Lion: The Devil And The Lion
-The Damnwells: One Last Century
-Moving Mountains: Foreward
-Jimmy Eat World "23"
-Northstar "Chesterfield King"

"Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets"
-Jimmy Eat World