i was trying to take a walk to the park the other day and the most bizarre thing happened to me. or should i say the most bizarre girl happened to me.
i wanted to go incognito with the big googly glasses, loud clothes, and my hair done straight up with gobs of colored hair glue, as per normal. also, if i ended up going anywhere with cookie, i wanted to be prepared. (i was walking to the park to meet cookie and hang out)
as i made my way down the sidewalk, one of my neighbours bushes started shaking like the birds were having a particularly raucous party.
it's never good when the bushes start moving- especially when you're not on anything.
i stopped momentarily to see what was up. this bush was really shaking.
out pops this girl!
i sidestepped fast enough so she flew past me and landed on the ground in a particularly ungraceful heap.
while she pulled herself up and dusted off, i realised i knew this girl! she was one of the wackos that hangs out in front of the house and leaves stuff on the porch. often ugly handmade stuff that reeks so strongly of cheap perfume that one time Matt was looking at one and it made him vomit. ew.  i had had more than one run in with her, and i knew this was probably going to waste a considerable part of the next 15 minutes or so trying to get her to go away.
she was somewhat on the overweight side, with greasy black hair and constellations of spots arcing across her face unartfully covered with lots of foundation. pity that only makes it worse. and because she's always hanging out around the house (and i do mean ALWAYS), she stank of BO and desperation. she could really use a shower. i can't even smell and i can smell her...
she was wearing her usual uniform of a badly sized muse tee shirt vainly stretching to cover her bulk, a strange looking multihued skirt that only she could have made, and her trusty ratty canvas bag o' goodies.
she stood up and dusted off, wiping the sweat off her forehead and only succeeding in leaving a long stripe of mud. fabulous.
she immediately started squealing in that annoying way some teenage girls favour- high pitched and ear splitting.
"OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD IT'S MAAAAATT!!"
i wanted to tell her to shut up. quickly.
"i'm not matt. i think we've had this conversation before."
"there is no way you are fooling me today! you look like him, sound like him, you even dress like him! who else could you be?? i want autographs. and a picture. and a hug!"
she advanced towards me, looking for her hug i suppose. oh HELL no.
"uh, maybe we can do the picture and hug some other time?"
"NO! as soon as i find someone to take this picture.." the street was dead empty. and i doubted highly she could convince anyone to take a picture, much less come within 5 feet of her.
she whipped out her cd and sharpie.
"give me an autograph then!"
i looked at her like she had damn near lost her mind.
"you know i can't write, right?"
"of course you can! how else do you write all those wonderful songs?"
i was wasting time here. i was supposed to be meeting cookie at the park right now.
"here. i can prove i'm not matt."
i lifted my shirt (she turned bright red at this point, obviously not expecting partial nudity!!) and popped open my chest plate.
"see?" i gestured at my guts.
her eyes got so big, i was surprised they didn't pop clean out of her skull. she backed away from me slowly, obviously not sure what to do next. she started making a number of squeaks, and then let out with the most ear splitting scream yet, dropping her cd in her haste and running high speed as far away from me as she was able to.

good. get a little exercise while you're at it.
"have a nice day!"
i put myself back together and continued on my way to the park.
hopefully she doesn't call the cops, but then again, she spends a lot of time in our yard...
who would believe her anyway?