Ok, I know that it's somewhat late, and that I'm getting tired, but I've been wanting to write a blog for a while, but I just couldn't do it. When I'm on the computer I'm either consumed by facebook, or consumed by finding a new job. Yeah, for those of you who don't know, I was terminated by my employer on October 9th.

Anyway... I'm just realizing how many things I need to talk about. Mostly just because I need to vent and I haven't found any type of outlet for that, but I already know that tonight I'm going to rant and rave about a few things, get really focused, then forget what I was going to say and not really get anything done at all. I'll try to touch on everything... maybe I should write a list. The only thing I hate about doing that is that it shows that I have an agenda. I have no agenda, I'm just a guy that wants to get things out. Very much unlike other people that I've read their blogs. Very precise and methodical, as though they are rehearsed. It's weird reading things like that because if you are writing with true, guttural emotions, the thoughts should be scattered. At least, that's what I do.

Moving on...

I lost my job. I was terminated without explanation. Sounds odd, doesn't it? I was commended on how well I was doing one day, then literally a few days later I was asked to leave. I'm so upset with the way that it was handled. I get upset thinking about it, and honestly I don't really want to rehash it right now. Needless to say I think there always was a communication failure there and that's what happened in the end. Through the grapevine I found out that they thought that I was trying to find a new job on company time, and they just fired me instead of working through it with me. Childish is what I think. I get upset, but then I move on. There was a lot that I learned from that experience though. Some good, some bad, but the idea is to grow with each experience. That I am definitely doing.

Trying to find a job however has been a humbling experience. My family and myself are living off of the government teat. That as well as the teats of other people, trying to pay our bills. We have less than half a month of bills saved up in our savings, we have nothing in our checking, and we are living off of food stamps and unemployment. Truly we have hit rock bottom, or at least close to it, because we are still paying our bills, but honestly, I have no idea how. I'm not looking for pity though, just talking about my situation.

I've had a few interviews that have went well, but it's fustrating because with my experiences it's hard to get an interview. Everyone thinks I'm either overqualified, or not qualified enough. No one can tell me where that middle ground is. I've contacted at least a dozen temp agencies in town to try to place me, but there is no office work in Sioux Falls. Well, none around the $10/hr. range and higher anyway. I could work for $8/hr just doing something, but that would be a waste of everyone's time. I can't survive off of it, so why do it?

I suppose I should talk about Brody some... the only reason I say it that way, is that we're really out of the woods with him. From now on it's going to be just a regular road. He's gotten through his surgeries, he's had an episode where he aspirated and coded, but we got him back. That's twice that he's really cheated death. He's such a strong guy, he really makes me proud. He's a fighter and I really hopes that sticks with him. Heaven knows that I need to have more of that fighting strength. I need to be more of a fighter, but I just don't have that drive in me, and I wish that I did. I'm happy with status quo, as I really always have been, but it makes me mad because I know that there was so much more set out for me to do. I just don't know what went wrong.

So needless to say that Brody's doing great. I couldn't be more pleased. I just have to say a big "FUCK YOU" to anyone who mentions something along the lines of how I have to put up with my son's crying now that he's home. I know that these are people that have no idea how hard it was to see my son in the hospital for so long, or to know that in the first three months of his life that he had to be resuscitated, and I know that they didn't know how hard it was that for the first few weeks of life to never be able to here my son cry because he had a tube shoved down his throat. I know that person has never had to deal with those emotions, and I hope that they never have to deal with that because I would never wish that upon my deepest of enemies, but dammit it is so hard to hear. To this day, when I hear my son crying, some times it chokes me up, because I know that he's home, he's in my arms, and he doesn't have to have anything down his throat to help him breathe and that he CAN cry. I would take 5 years of continual crying ANY day over what I had to experience for the first 3 months of his life. And for that, I say "FUCK YOU" to anyone who makes a comment about how they can't stand it when their child is "fussy". I will say that unless you read this blog, you will never know that I have those feelings though. I would never tell that to your face, and for the only reason is because I know that you have NO idea what I have been through because if you did you would NEVER make a comment like that. Not even as a joke. Period.

As you can tell... touchy subject...

On the good news front (in a heavily sarcastic tone) my parked car got hit by the maintenance man's pickup today. I can't open the driver's door, and I'm guessing that it will be totaled out. On top of everything, Donna and I may lose a car. The irony of it all is that I finally got the personalized plates that I ordered for the car. They say "ITRADIO" and are really sweet, but they will probably be never put on the car. I hope that I can transfer it over to the other car, but who's to say. Tomorrow I will find out a majority of the damage when the insurance adjuster comes by.

... I had something here, but I decided to erase it. If you must know, it's about my love life. If you want to know, ask me...

So, yeah... I am at the point where I know that there is more, but I have forgotten about it. The rant about kids crying is what really made me lose my broad focus of what I wanted to write about. I won't lie to everyone, or even myself, and I swore that I would never say this (but I think I might have once before), but I'm depressed. I know I have been in low levels of it before, but I am really depressed. I was hoping that moving back to Sioux Falls would have taken me out of this funk, but I really have no one around that is willing to help. It's sad mostly for the fact is that I have friends around the area. People that have always wanted to be closer because I lived so far away, but now that I'm back in the area I see them just as much as I did before, maybe even to a lesser extent because I never hear from them either. There are a few people that have really lifted my spirits that are around here, but in some cases they were the onese that surprised me the most. I know that the phone works both ways, but when you're a down as I am, you find yourself needing arms to be reached out to you or someone just to grab onto you in order to try to pull you out. Again, maybe these are people that have just never experienced depression like this, or maybe they are just people that don't know me well enough to really see the signs.

In any case, thank you for reading. If you've gone through this whole thing, you have shown that you are a true friend, and I thank you. The next time you see me, please, give me a hug. It's really the most that I could ask from anyone right now, and it always seems silly to ask for one. I'm a big guy that likes a good hug. I'll tell you that straight out, but I know that it some ways, it's not socially acceptable. I wish it was. So please, if you see me, feel free to grab a hold of me, or just reach out your arms. That's the best thing that I could really get right now.