Ok...I've never felt quite this way....I can't sleep at night, can't wake up in the morning, don't want to eat (and yet I am reheating leftover pancakes at 1:30am and washing them down with a glass of Pinot Grigio), don't want a work but am dying financially, don't want love though it is feely offered, don't want Christian love and support because it is too positive and obviously right and needed, and whatever else you can think that would fit into that mixing pot of ugh....

I don't like it....and people are taking it personally.  Do they really think I would choose to feel this way on purpose???  And do they really feel like I feel better than they do right now?? *sigh*....

Its not that I don't want to work...I just don't want to do what I am doing.  I mean, I love training people..and sometimes I love doing massage.  But more often I don't love it and I crave a job where I am an inconspicuous fly on the wall.  So, I have an interview tomorrow at a 4 star boutique Hotel opening in Westwood/Beverly Hills for the bellstand position.  Yeah...I know, right?  Going backwards??  Who cares.  I am not happy, and I need to make a big change and have some financial/schedule consistancy, and preferably some nice medical/dental benafits.  Yes, my gums are bleeding and my left lung hurts...grrrr.

I missed Bible Study tonight...I didn't go because I couldn't bear to hear the happy supportive words of the amazing Christian women from my church!  How sad, because it was probably just what I needed to feel better...

My Faith is strong and unwaivering, but my desire to dive into the word and pray is hard to come by.  I don't know what I am dealing with or why, but I pray that God will shine a light at the end of the tunnel soon...maybe send me a sign that my suffering serves a greater purpose. 

Hey Cheryl??  Any words of advice??

I seriously emailed military.com and asked for info on every branch of the military reserves!!  *smile*.....seriously!! What, you think 31 is too old???  says who??....free room and board/benifits/retirement plans!!!   Well, tomorrow I have my job interview.  Hopefully it goes well.  I am not good at being self employed unless I have someone to be accountable to.  I need to be bossed around and told exactly what to do, and then I am willing to work  as long and hard as required!!  I wonder why that is............

*sigh*....I can't even organize my thoughts.  I am just rambling somewhat incoherently and not really articulating what is really running through my mind....

Time to take some Melatonin and try to sleep...it is 2:04am and once again the insomnia wins...

I Love you Lord above all else, regardless of the trials and tribulations that I face. And I will gladly suffer whatever needed to shape me into the person that you desire me to be.  Forgive me if I come across as weak....I am just tired and beat down.  But I will never doubt your faithfulness...

Goodnight....