today the kids and I ran the roads most of the day.....gathering bank statements, talking to mortgage companies, driving around looking at houses....
When we got home around 5pm I cooked them a quick dinner, dealt with the puppy who's in heat and with the other puppy who won't stay off of her, got them ready for bed, and started working on this house. There's no way I can sell it like this.
I have said over and over again that somehow we've acquired too much stuff....I've been working on cleaning out for the past two months. You would think I'd be finished.......hell no. Its just now getting started.
Everyone that comes to my house comments on the amount of "stuff" we have...the amount of toys, the amount of clothes, the amount of movies, the amount of art supplies, the amount of sippy cups, etc...... not to mention the amount of kids and puppies I have on top of all the "stuff"....
I've always claimed that people just didn't understand how much "stuff" it takes when you have three young kids so close in age. Of course I have a lot of sippy cups....they were all drinking out of them at the same time. Of course we have alot of toys....there's a 6,4, and 1 year old. Of course there's a lot of clothes......I save all the ones they outgrow to give to the next one (same with the toys). Of course there's a lot of movies.....Courtlyn still watches things like Barney and Baby Einstein, Dylan is starting his own collection of boy movies, and camryn is now wanting to watch big kids movies. Of course there's a lot of art supplies......first of all that's what my oldest loves to do more than anything in life, but also I have to have three of everything on hand at all times or all hell breaks loose.....3 glue sticks, three pairs of kid scissors, three boxes of colors (because Lord knows they'll all need the same color at the same time), three sets of paint, etc.
So yes, I do have a lot of stuff. But as I started cleaning out tonight I think I started to realize the bigger problem. Its not so much that we have too much stuff, its that I have nowhere to put all the stuff so its taking over my house. Now, the reason I don't have a place for all of it is becoming clearer.
Joe died at the end of October. Courtlyn was born at the end of May....only 7 months later. During that time I was not ready to clean out all of Joe's things, which meant I really didn't have a place for the baby's new things, and honestly at the time I couldn't have cared less about her things, and then as her birth drew closer and closer, I was growing bigger and bigger, taking care of a 2 year old and 4 year old and still in denial and grief stricken over losing my husband. So basically, it never got done. Courtlyn arrived and her stuff literally just piled on top of his stuff. I had lost a person in the house but the house didn't reflect his loss and in addition to that I gained a baby. Also, there was new stuff as a result of his death.....boxes and boxes of things from the funeral home, boxes of cards, a house full of plants that had been sent to the funeral which were all slowly dying because I didn't take care of them, piles and piles of paperwork.....accident reports, hospital records, legal work, new insurance policies, death certificates, lists, phone numbers, financial records, insurance claims, boxes full of things out of his truck, and more.
And before I knew it the house had been turned upside down. Completely opposite of what my house had always been known to be. Before he died I was a stay at home mom, had someone come in and clean every week, and I still managed to clean all day everyday! And now my house, along with my life, had been turned upside down.
It wasn't until this summer that I cleaned out Joe's closet. Got rid of all the clothes. But it wasn't until tonight that I realized that was nowhere near the beginning. Ok, so I got rid of all his clothes. But I still have piles of clothes hangers that all those clothes were hanging on. Why? Why do I still have them? What the hell am I going to do with them? Tonight they're finally in the trash. Also still in his closet was piles of paperwork.....the tablet of paper he had used for work the last week he was alive, the very first phone list I made out as soon as I got the call that he had been killed, the copy of the speech I had written at the very first benefit that was held for us, extra thank you cards, some of his very last gas station and restaurant receipts, piles of flyers from the benefit, business cards of people I don't know, and more. Its all in the trash now. Again, what am I going to do with all that? His cell phone.....trash.
Then I went to the hall closet. Its pretty much full of wrapping paper, gift bags, and other odds and ends. So full that I couldn't get the vaccum in the closet anymore. So I started pulling everything out. For the most part it just needed to be reorganized. But I was still able to find a lot of things that were his. Things I don't need. The box to his camera.....which was ruined in the accident. The box to his cell phone. Happy Father's Day wrapping paper.....trash. I obviously won't be needing to wrap a father's day present for anyone. Mother's Day wrapping paper.....trash. What the hell am I going to do.....go buy and wrap a mother's day present for myself???? There were still a couple of his jackets hanging in there too.....trash.
As I continued making my way through the house I found lots of other things too......a children's Father's Day book, other books that had been Camryn and Dylan's, like "God Gave Us You", "I Love My Daddy", and others....all of which would make me physically ill if my kids asked me to read them. Why the hell do they need a book about father's day???? Trash.
Even the kitchen cabinets were hit. Why do I need 6 coffee cups? There's only one of me. Sure, we had more when he was here. He's not here. I picked my favorite....the rest? Trash.
I cleaned out the pantry. Again, mainly it just needed to be straightend up and reorganized, but even still there were things that would never be used without him here. The man would eat anything. Me and my kids don't. There were things that had obviously been in there since before he died that would remain there forever if I didn't just go ahead and throw them away. What the hell were they even still doing in there? Have I been saving it all just in case he decided to pop in for a visit??????? Trash.
Tomorrow I'll work on the garage. Most of it will end up in the trash as well. And the rest of the week will be the shop. I sold most of his things out of there soon after he died, but there are still boxes and boxes of parts and tools that I have no idea what to do with.....trash. I don't know what else to do with it. Save it forever? Why? Again, I don't expect him to be stopping in to use them any time soon. And I sure the hell don't need them. I've got my screwdriver, a hammer, and a wrench....I should be ok. I don't think I'll be working on the Tahoe anytime soon. And I don't think I'll be building a motorcycle or doing any other mechanical work. It all going to the dump. I have asked people over and over again if they're interested in any of it. Its been over two years and its still sitting here.  I have used the excuse of all this stuff as a reason for not moving for too damn long. I can't stay here just because I'm overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to get rid of. Its all going away this week.
I'm getting the hell out of this house as soon as possible. If I could make it happen tomorrow I would.