A few months ago I wrote a blog about realzing that I no longer wanted to be viewed as Joe's widow. But when it comes right down to it, that's exactly what I've been for two years now. That's all I've been. Or at least that's all I've felt like.
So now, as I'm trying to start over, I'm faced with a lot of new situations and a lot of new people. I kinda feel like a 20 year old out on my own for the first time, trying to find my way....trying to figure out exactly who I am. Because not only have I defined myself as his widow for 2 years, but prior to that point I was his wife. I had been with him for so long that its hard redefining who I am now.
But this week while I've been cleaning out this house, I've been doing a lot of thinking....about myself. I've spent a lot of my time in the past two years thinking.....but most of that thinking has been about other people. What they've done or not done, what they think about me, how much they've pissed me off, about how no one understands, etc. But this week the focus has been on me.....things I've done wrong, things I've done right, who I am, who I want to be, what I want to do with the rest of my life, and my ownership in a lot of the probelms I've encountered.
So, who am I? Well, I'm just a regular girl. A regular girl who just so happened to live through a tragedy. Maybe my life doesn't seem very regular to most people, but really it is. I'm just a girl who happens to be raising 3 kids on her own. I'm a single mom who spends most of her time with her kids. I'm not out every weekend partying with the girls.....I'm usually home taking care of kids. Sure, I would love to get out more, but the priority in the life of this girl is her kids. I'm a girl who has realized that even though life isn't always fair, it will go on....one way or another. I'm a girl who still has the same emotions I had before I was ever married. A girl who can still be hurt, still get upset, and still get pissed off.....just as much as before, regardless of how strong I may try to be. A girl who's tired of being strong. A girl who sometimes just wants to sit and cry....not because of losing Joe, but just because of life in general. A girl who just recently realized that friends are sometimes the only thing that can get you through life.....that laughing with friends can heal just about everything. A girl who doesn't take near well enough care of her self....emotionally or physically. A girl who seldom wears makeup, wears jeans, and puts her hair in a ponytail just about everyday. A girl who prefers hanging out in the backyard, drinking a beer,and playing with her kids rather than hanging out in a bar. A girl that would love to find someone to hang out in the backyard with me and the kids one day. A girl that realizes that there's a very real possibilty that may never happen. A girl who is determined to continue living, but is very nervous about doing so. A girl who can say all the wrong things at exactly the wrong time. A girl who has a hard time putting her feelings into words, even though there's plenty of feelings (good and bad) inside. A girl that has realized  that I can not and will not ever be the best mom in the world. A girl that makes a lot of mistakes. A girl that is scared. A girl that hopefully has a long life ahead of her.....even though I have no idea what the future holds. A girl that can still act as immature as a 14 year old sometimes :) A girl that now realizes that even though I don't want to be considered a widow, I am in fact just that....and that I can't run from it.....its not something I ever wanted to be, but its what I am, its what has made me into the person I am. Its nothing I have to hide, deny, or try to escape. It has made me a little crazier, a little more emotional, a little more pessimistic, a little more hard to understand, and a little more distant and hard to get to know.....but its also made me a little more grateful, a little more caring, a little more accepting, and a little more forgiving.
So that's who I am. Nothing flashy, nothing exciting, nothing extraordinary. Just a regular girl....me.