we've been in the new house for a month now. Things are going well. 

I had gotten rid of all the dining and living room furniture, so we've been here for a month with no furniture. But it was finally delivered this morning, and its starting to feel like a real home now. Once Camryn's new bedroom furniture gets here it will be complete. Right now she's pretty much living out of rubbermaid boxes.

I've still been throwing things away.....and let me clarify before anyone reports back to Joe's family.....just because I'm throwing things away does NOT mean I'm throwing HIS things away. Although yes, I have thrown away some of his things as well.....but really, if you're interested in old business envelopes, bank statements, cell phone boxes, or any of his other trash.....you're more than welcome to come pick them up off the side of the street next Thursday before the trash men come.

I'm finally starting to feel like this is my life....and my kids new life.....rather than trying to live the same life we lived when Joe was here. I'm finally happy. I can finally see that there is hope for the future. And no matter what anyone does or says....that's not going to change my outlook. I can not and will not remain down because of other people's actions or words. Screw all the negative people in the world...all the people who want to criticize and judge me.....I'm done with it.

People assume it was really hard for me to leave the old house. It was NOT hard. It was one of the best feelings I've ever had. And I will NOT feel guilty for that. That house depressed me....I couldn't stay there. I didn't WANT to stay there. I couldn't get out fast enough. Sure, there were moments during the whole process that were emotional, just like I wrote about on here.....but when it came right down to it....I was ready to walk away.

So we're here. In our new house, in a new town. The kids are LOVING it. There are kids all over our street until the sun goes down. They are outside playing with the other kids the minute we get home from school. Camryn has made lots of friends at her school and also in the neighborhood, and Dylan finally has boys to play with! And Courtlyn has already won the hearts of all of them, both the kids and parents.

And I'm happy too. Not only does it make me happy to see my kids so happy, but I'm just in a better place emotionally. This is MY house, that I bought....just for us. And its clean.....clutter-free. There's a place for all of us.....even Courtlyn. I can now look at the furniture and see what I picked out just for US. I walk outside and see MY truck....the one I bought, by myself for the very first time. And I end my nights by either walking on the treadmill I recently bought, or by tanning. Life is good.

Since Joe first died I've had people make comments that "it must be nice" for one thing or another. It started when I had the help of so many of Joe's friends for different things. They came to hang my christmas lights a few weeks after he died....and I was told "it must be nice to have people just show up at your house to do that....I wish I had someone show up to hang mine" All I could think was.....WHATEVER. I would much rather have my HUSBAND here with me than have christmas lights on my house!

But I've heard that statement over and over from different people at different times...

"it must be nice to not have to work".....ummm, yeah it is. BUT again, I'd much rather have my husband here and be teaching than be left here to raise three kids alone. So, I say to you...."it must be nice to have your husband still alive"

"it must be nice to not have to buy clothes for your kids and have people just give you all of their's".....yes, it is VERY nice. And it is very nice and very generous of the people who have done so.

"it must be nice to be able to buy a tanning bed, new car, new furniture, and a new house"......ABSOLUTELY! I have enjoyed every damn minute of it! But I'm not just sitting back living lavishly either. Two years ago I received a small amount of life insurance and a small amount from the insurance of the man who killed Joe. I listened to all the advice everyone had to offer. I acted responsibly and did what everyone told me to do. I invested every dime of it. There were days when I couldn't afford to put gas in the car to take my kids to the doctor, there were weeks that I couldn't afford to go to the grocery store, and there was a month that we didn't have a/c in our house because I couldn't afford to repair our broken one. But regardless of those hard times....I NEVER touched that insurance money. So back in November I received a statement and almost passed out when I saw that I had lost nearly HALF of what I had invested, due to the economy. I thought long and hard about what I should do. Should I let that money remain there and just pray that things improve and I make the money back....or should I take the money out and put it to use, to help me live day to day. And that's what I decided to do. The car I had was 6 years old, had 100,000 miles on it, and was starting to have MAJOR problems. So I took some of that insurance money and put it down on the TAHOE. A USED Tahoe. I put enough down to make the monthly note $200 less than what I had been paying on the previous vehicle.....making my social security checks stretch out longer for the month. I did the same thing for the house. I accomplished two things by purchasing this house.....I bought my kids out of their half, and now rather than them owning half of this house, its mine.....and their half of the old house was put into trust funds that they will receive at age 18. I was able to do that with the insurance money that had been previously been sitting there  dwindling away. I also took more of the insurance money out to put as much as I could down on this house.....again, lowering my monthly note by at least a little.

Now, the tanning bed? That was a completely irresponsible purchase. But its one I don't regret. I don't spend any money on myself. I don't go out on the weekends. I don't leave my kids with babysitters every weekend. I'm not out shopping all the time. So that was one thing I wanted to do for myself. And damn it don't tell me "it must be nice to have your own tanning bed" That is such an ignorant statement. Its not nice to have your husand ripped from your life. Its not nice to receive social security checks as a reminder. Its not nice that money from my husband's death is what bought that tanning bed. Its not nice that a tanning bed is the only thing I've bought for myself in TWO years. Its not nice that those 15 minutes in the tanning bed in the middle of the night are the closest thing to "alone time" that I ever get. So yes, I know there are a lot of people out there that wish they could have a tanning bed at home.....but guess what? I'd easily trade my tanning bed for the normal life you live with your husband!

The furniture is the final "big purchase". Not for selfish reasons. I HAD to do it.....for my sanity. I could no longer walk through the living room and see the chair that he sat in every night. I couldn't stand sitting on the couch that we bought when we first moved in together. Again, I'd much rather have my old furniture, with him sitting on it.....but that's NOT an option.

So I've done the exact opposite of what everyone wanted me to do with that insurance money. And I'm happy. I used it to try and begin  building a new life for us.....which is exactly what I think he'd want me to do.....I know he'd rather see me do that than barely get by while the money went to hell in the stock market.

In no way am I saying I've made al lgood decisions. I haven't. Its hard living on my own, making decisions on my own. But I'm doing the best I can given the circumstances.

I've learned the hard way that people like to talk. People like to judge. But those people will talk and judge no matter what I do....so why should I care? Not only have a made bad financial decisions in the eyes of some people, but according to some, I've also made bad personal decisions.

That I WON'T deny. But again, I'm just doing the best I can given where I am emotionally right now.  A year ago I was completely wrapped up in my grief....24 hours a day. I didn't sleep. I was taking 2 antidepressants, that didn't even help. I was 100% consumed with taking care of a 11 month old, 3 year old, and 5 year old.....never taking time for myself. I couldn't see how I was would make it to the next day.....much less see that there might be a real future ahead for us.

And now, in the past few months I'm past that. I no longer sit and grieve for joe everyday. I'm finally experiencing life again....like a normal, living person should. I've been betrayed, I've had my heart broken, I've lost friends, and I've made some great new friends along the way. And through all of it I'm thankful.....thankful that I'm not stuck where I was a year ago. All the stress, anxiety, and heart ache of normal life is MUCH better than being stuck in grief.

I'm convinced that its all leading to something. Something wonderful. I don't know what, but its going to be great when its time. I was looking at some pictures of my kids the other day, and all of sudden had this overwhelming feeling of how much God must trust me.....if He has trusted me to raise them on my own. He has given me one of the most difficult paths of life.....but it hit me how amazing that really is. That's HUGE! I'm going to continue doing the best I can. If He believes I can do this, then why should I doubt myself so much? And then I started thinking and finally believing that there really is a plan. I don't know that I'll ever believe that part of His plan was for Joe to be taken. But I do believe that He may have revised the plan upon Joe's death....is that possible??? :) I think all the struggles I've faced, all the heart ache I've gone through....it will all lead to something amazing. I've fallen apart but I've always managed to keep going.....for my kids. I hit rock bottom, and then get back up and keep fighting....keep going. Keeping my faith in God the whole time.

Four days after Joe died was Halloween. I took my kids trick-or-treating and then to Calvary's Fall Festival. Just me, Camryn, and Dylan. I had people offer to come with us. I had people offer to take my kids and let me stay home. And I had people invite us to their house instead. But I did what we would have done if Joe HADN'T died. I had quite a few breakdowns that night. I vividly remember two girls from church who were monitoring a bounce house, running over to me and picking me up off the ground as I collapased in tears. But then I got myself together and did what I needed to make the night as fun as possible for the kids. I had someone tell me that night that they had never seen anyone with such conviction, such faith, as I had shown in those few days since Joe's death. My pastor told me the same thing at Joe's visitation. It was odd to me because I had never been a particularly religious person.....had only started going to church a few months before Joe died. But regardless of my past church attendance, I always had my faith in tact. And that didn't change when he died. After he died I heard lots of people say they didn't even know if they believed in God anymore....I could understand that those words and feelings were coming from grief and anger, but all I could tell them was that this was NOT a time to lose faith in God....that if there was ever a time to believe it was NOW....because HE was the only thing that could get me through it. And I still feel like that today. I've strayed here and there, but I haven't gone far. I'm still here praying, still here waiting patiently for the rest of His plan to be known.

Last week was the first time I'd been to church since February, when I put the house on the market. The message was so clear.....seek God FIRST and the blessings will come. Pastor Rick repeated over and over that God is not a liar, and that He is actually obligated to this. HE said the words and HE will stand by His word. That if you put God FIRST in your life.....not second, not third.....that HE will bless you with great things. I believe this whole heartedly. I believe its the reason we've been blessed so greatly since Joe died. God has been it.....all I've been living for. I turned it all over to Him right from the very beginning.

However, I also believe there is one part of my life I have NOT completely turned over to him. And I've been working on that.

I had my neighbors from Stonewall come visit us today....they wanted to see the house. These are the neighbors who used to cut my grass. They were married after her 1st husband was killed in a car accident. And nothing would make them happier than for me to tell them I was getting married. I have a hard time making them understand that I am a long way from being ready for anything even remotely serious, but they still talk about it. And today as they were leaving he told me "Tracy, you're going to find someone....and its going to be someone sent by God".

I guess we'll see.

For now, the next step is deleting this myspace page. This was it. The public story is over. As nice as its been to have an outlet for venting my grief, my anger, and even some of my happines....its also added a lot of stress and problems. It doesn't matter if I set it to public or private.....there are people that see it or hear about it that shouldn't. There are things I write that get completely misconstrued and next thing I know people are pissed off. Its been 2~1/2 years since Joe died, I'm ready for the rest to be private. So I'm planning on spending the next few days trying to print out all of my blogs.....figured the kids may enjoy reading them some day. And once that job is completed, it will be gone.