PART I: THE BEGINNING..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

"God damn these birds are getting annoying," thought Tom as he lay in his bed.  He glanced at his alarm clock with his bloodshot eyes; 6:47AM it read, a full hour before his alarm would go off signifying the beginning of his day.  Another day in paradise, he thought, joining the rat race to work where he would sit in front of a computer for the next eight hours of his life, just another drone in the maze of countless cubicles.   On top of that, he now had to endure having to wake up an hour early to a loud barrage of bird squawks right outside of his bedroom window?  "Fuck this…" he muttered to himself. 

This had been going on for a few months now.  It had started innocently enough, when during the tail end of winter he had begun noticing the bird chirps outside of his window.  At that time, it was maybe only two birds who had built a nest behind the shutters outside of his bedroom window on the third floor of his brand new townhouse, providing an occasional chirp here and there.  No big deal, he always thought.  It's not like they were bothering him.  And besides, he didn't want to be the guy who was known for ruining the lives of a small bird family.  But in the past month, it had grown worse.  Now, instead of the intermittent chirp of a couple of birds, it seemed as if it was a constant party with rounds of Jagger bombs for all starting at 6AM everyday all day and lasting until dawn.  It was not a problem on weekends, as Tom was usually so hung over that he could sleep through a Megadeth concert.  But now?  Waking him up this early on a weekday when sleep is the most vital?  Now, this was becoming a problem. 

Tom lay in his bed trying to go back to sleep, with no such luck, as the frat party of birds raged on outside of his bedroom window.  At 8AM on the dot, his alarm sounded.  Tom slowly climbed out of his bed at 8:01, threw on his Adidas shorts, and stumbled out of his room to begin his daily routine.  Except this morning he had had enough.  "These birds have got to go…" he thought.

PART II: THE TIPPING POINT

It had been a typical Wednesday for Tom.  After waking up to the harassment of the squawking birds outside of his window, he had gathered himself and endured another nondescript day in the work force.  After work, he had came home to fraternize with his roommate Tito, gone to the local gym for an hour to work on his hard body, gotten a bite to eat, and was now hanging out back at the townhouse playing video games on the Playstation 3.  Some might consider such an evening to be boring or uneventful, but at least it kept him out of the bar for a night while keeping some cash in his pocket he would say.

At around 12:45AM, Tom took the long walk up to his room on the third floor to finally go to sleep, slightly bummed out at the fact that he would have to go through the same exact routine the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and so on.  He finally made it up the flight of stairs to the third floor, with the two flights of steps feeling like twenty at this time of night, and flipped on his flat screen TV before going into his bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. 

Before actually going to sleep, of course, Tom spent the next ten minutes or so flipping through late night television, the shows ranging from Sportscenter to Cops.

Finally, at precisely 1:05AM, Tom was ready to go to sleep.  Tom used his remote control to turn off his television, and right as he was leaning over to turn off his lamp that rest on his nightstand, something caught his eye.  "No fucking way…" he said out loud as he jumped out of bed, turned on his bedroom light, and ambled back over to what he thought he had just seen.  He looked closer at the window sill, the same window that contained the birds nest directly on the other side.  And in fact, it was what he thought he had just seen…a bug!!!  A tiny, tiny, grayish black bug was ever so slowly creeping along on the window sill, maybe only 6 inches from where he was about to lay his head for the night.  How he had seen such a tiny creature was beyond him, but that was not the point.  Tom moved his head directly over the window sill and looked even closer, harder.  Suddenly he could see more of the same…one bug, two bugs, three bugs, four bugs in total.  He then looked at his cream colored blinds, the ones that had cost him almost four hundred dollars, and saw a fifth bug crawling. 

"What the fuck?!" Tom shouted out loud, in disbelief at what he was seeing. 

Now furious, Tom grabbed his book bag, threw in a couple of shirts, threw on his shoes, and stormed downstairs.  There was no way that he was going to sleep in his bed after seeing what he had just seen.  He passed his roommate Tito on the second floor.  "What are you doing?" Tito asked. 

"I'm going to my mom's house tonight.  There's fucking bugs in my room dude," he replied. 

"No way man?!  You've got bugs?  That's gross!" Tito chuckled back. 

"They've got to be from the birds' man.  I found them on the window sill where the birds nest is.  I can't sleep here.  Tomorrow, the birds die," Tom defiantly said.

"That actually makes sense.  Do it man.  Talk to you tomorrow," replied Tito.

"Peace out."

Tom then went the final flight of steps and out the door, jumped into his Lexus, and made the short drive to his parent's house where he would sleep in his old room for the night.  He looked at his clock in the car, 1:27AM it read.  Now angry, Tom thought of ways to get rid of these birds.  It was one thing to annoy him with their loud chirps, but bringing bugs into the house, and more specifically into his room?  He was not going to let this slide.

Finally laying in the peaceful serenity of his former room, Tom continued to think of ways to get rid of his problem.  Maybe he could just open up the window and knock the nests out of the shutters?  Then he ran the risk of having a bird fly into his room, a risk he did not want to take.  Maybe he could spray something harmful into their nest, driving them away?  Seemed too easy he thought.  Hell, maybe he could just pay someone to come take care of this problem for him?  Before he could even answer his own question, Tom was fast asleep.

PART III: TOM GATS UP

Tom left work early the next day, as throughout the day he had not been thinking about work at all.  All of his attention had been turned towards his bird problem and how he should take care of it.  While asking people at work of different ways to get rid of these birds, he had heard many different opinions and techniques to use.   The lab guy who smokes 28 cigarettes a day (and that's before lunchtime!), had told him to simply use a broom stick and knock the nest down.  The sketchy tall guy who walks like he in fact has a broom stick stuck up his ass told Tom that he should use a blow torch and burn them out.  "I hope that was a joke," thought Tom.  Tom even had posed his conundrum to his boss, a noted animal lover, whose response was, "Don't kill them!  I like birds.  You should just use bug spray to take care of the bugs.  The birds will leave on their own, trust me."  Tom had respectfully acknowledged his recommendation, but never considered it.  His mind was made up…the birds had to go.

Later that day at Lowe's, Tom could be found gathering his materials for the bird attack that he was planning for that evening.  He walked up and down each aisle, his shopping cart screeching with every step, each time looking for something that could be beneficial towards his raid.  By the time he was done his shopping spree, his shopping cart contained the following items:

1.       Wasp and Hornet Bug Spray.  Kills bugs on contact, high powered can.  Can shoot up to 25 feet.

2.       Indoor/Outdoor Bug Spray.  Kills a variety of insects on contact.  Can be used inside and outside.  Creates a "barrier" that bugs do not attempt to cross.

3.       Hot Shots Bug Bomb.  Used to kill all living insects in ones living area.

4.       Extendable Ceiling Fan Cleaner.  A large brush with metal bristles used to clean ceiling fans.  Has long, extendable plastic handle.

5.       Safety goggles.  Used to prevent damage to the eye from debris and/or gasses.

6.       Breathing mask.  Blocks harmful gasses and odors from reaching your mouth and nose.

As Tom pulled into his driveway, he gathered his bags of ammo from the back seat, and glanced up at his third story window.  Outside of the window, there sat three birds, all chirping loudly.  A fourth bird swooped in from the sky and perched itself directly onto the roof, squawking defiantly at Tom.  The two locked eyes.

The battle was about to take place…

PART IV: OPERATION KILL BIRD

Everything was in place.  Tom was positioned in his room, wearing his goggles in case there were any birds who attempted to peck his eyeballs out, and his mask so that he would not have to inhale any of the dangerous and poisonous gasses he was about to be emitting.  Tito stood outside, smoking a cigarette, holding a camera just in case there were any memorable moments to be caught in time, and ready to provide any direction that he could from the ground level. 

Upon further investigation before the raid, Tom had done a little more inspection of the window, and in the process finding that not only was there one nest, but there was also another nest in the other shutter.  Now, he had two nests to deal with during the assault, further adding to his comprehensiveness about the ordeal.  But he could not be comprehensive or nervous anymore, as now it was time to go to war with the birds.  Shit was about to pop off.

The assault sprung into action as Tom pulled open the first window, spraying the high velocity Hornet and Wasp spray behind the shutter and into the nest.  Two birds simultaneously flew out of the nest as Tom slammed the window shut.  To his surprise, the birds flew away without any aggressive acts towards him, easing his mind.  He then pulled open the second window, sending a large stream of the Hornet and Wasp spray into the second nest.  Tom pulled the window shut, awaiting phase 2 of the operation.  He glanced out the window at Tito, who was pulling on a cigarette in amusement.  Tito gave Tom a thumbs up.  Phase 2 was a GO.

Tom pulled open the first window again, now knowing that there were no birds in the actual bird nest at this time.  Now was his time to spring into action and get rid of these gross pits of straw, grass, and…bugs, once and for all.  He slammed the wiry edge of the ceiling fan cleaner into the shutter to no avail.  It was too big to fit behind the shutter!!!  Slightly panicking, Tom thought quickly enough to turn the cleaner around and use the small, plastic handle against the nest.  The handle fit behind the shutter perfectly, and with all of his force Tom attempted to dislodge the nest.  It didn't budge.  The nest was so lodged behind the window shutter that moving it would take a lot more force than just one swift flick of the wrist.  So Tom dug in, pushed and pushed at the nest with all of his might.  "Some just fell out!!!" yelled Tito in excitement.  "Keep going!!!"

For the next 60 seconds Tom tried to dislodge the nest from behind the shutter, slowly working the nest towards the edge.  "It's hanging out of the other side!  You've almost got it!" Tito urged on.  Tom ripped off his goggles and mask, as now this was mano e mano, man versus bird.  Tom was pissed.  For another 60 seconds he fought with the nest, and finally, he could see a large pile of debris fall to the second floor roof.  "You got it dude!" Tito yelled.  Tom kept at it though, wanting to be 100% sure that the entire nest was out of his window, and out of his life.  Tito warned him that a small piece of the nest was still dangling on the other side of the shutter, but despite Tom's best attempts, he couldn't get it to fall. 

"Oh well!" Tom yelled back.  "It's good enough!  They won't be coming back here."  Tito nodded in agreement.

Moving onto the second window, Tom swung the window open and began the same procedure that he had just completed on the first window.  Thrusting as hard as he could while still keeping his balance, not wanting to fall to his death, he found this second nest to be even more difficult to budge.  He kept thrusting, pushing with all of his might.  The dust, dirt, and who knows what else that accompanies birds' nests floated in the air, able to be seen in the sunlight, and floated into his room.  "This is so fucking gross!!!!" yelled Tom.  He kept at it, pushing, pushing, thrusting, thrusting, gyrating the handle of the ceiling fan cleaner until Tito yelled out, "Dude!  Two birds just flew out of the window!"  Holy shit, thought Tom, as he kept up his persistent motions.  "Oh my god!  Another one just flew out!  This is awesome!" Tito again yelled.  Tom shuddered back slightly before realizing that now was not time to show fear.

Sensing that the end was now in sight, Tom started pushing as hard as he could against the bird nest.  He put his right leg up on the window sill to balance himself, now able to exert more power into his motions.  He could feel his muscles burning.  Tito snapped a picture. 

Finally, he felt the nest give, and just like that, it too fell to the second floor roof.  "You got it!" yelled an approving Tito. 

Tom immediately slammed close the window, ran downstairs and out the door, threw the ceiling fan cleaner in the trash can, and joined Tito in a cigarette to admire the work that had just been done.

PART V: THE CLEAN UP

After the cigarettes and high fives were exchanged over the humans victory of the birds, Tom finally trudged back up to his room knowing that there was still lots of clean up to be done.  He started by opening both windows, now confident that the birds wouldn't be returning anytime soon, and sprayed behind the shutters with an inexplicable amount of the Hornet and Wasp spray.  He followed that up by spraying, once again, an inexplicable amount of the Indoor/Outdoor Bug Barrier spray; inside the shutter, on the outside of the window, on the inside of the window, on the window sill, everywhere imaginable.  Next, he placed a bug bomb in the middle of his room, pulled the trigger, and closed the door. 

Tom was off to his parent's house for another peaceful night in his former bedroom.  He was content.  He knew that his ordeal was finally over.  That night, Tom slept soundly.

PART VI: THE AFTERMATH

The next morning, a well rested Tom pulled into his driveway to see the carnage from the previous day's onslaught.  On the second story roof rested two large birds nest, tan in color, with loose pieces of debris slightly blowing in the warm morning wind.  A bird stood next to one of the nests, pecking ever so slowly at it, trying to digest all of the destruction of his once perfect home.

Tom glanced up at the third story window of his bedroom, with the one piece of bird nest still dangling from the far edge of the window sill; only one strong wind from falling to the roof with all of the other debris.  A solitary bird stood perched on the third story roof, chirping loudly, despairingly.  Its home was gone.   Tom walked into his home triumphantly, knowing that he had conquered the birds. 

Not only could he now sleep in a room free of loud bird chirping and bugs, he now knew that he had scored an even bigger feat.  He had scored a huge victory for mankind in the ongoing battle that is human versus bird.  Tom shot one more quick glance up at his window before walking inside; the two birds had already flown away.  "God damn I'm the shit…" muttered Tom as he closed the door, the calmness returning to the warm summer morning.

Tom didn't notice the large bird glaring at him from the roof across the street.  It starred, its beady eyes squaring Tom up, preparing for its revenge…

Actually it's not to be continued, I just didn't know how to close this one out.  But up until that last sentence, this story is 100% true.  It happened last week actually.  And yes, I'm Tom.  Haha.

HOLLER.