What's up America. It's been a long time since I've posted anything substantial on this raggedy ass blog, but I've got something with some substance for you on this Friday afternoon (I would love to be at home playing FIFA right now by the way). Recently I was up in VA visiting with Sweeney and the Reston boys for one evening which eventually turned into two, and consisted of rowdy UFC fights at Champs, some hottie somehow pulling off a Clinton Portis jersey, straight legs, and sexy red stilletos combination while we stared on slightly drunk from crushing 'ritas beginning at noon, someone inexplicably getting laid in their backseat (I'm not naming any names haha), and myself being awkwardly spotted on the dance floor at the Ballroom with my tongue on some poor mixed-race females neck. So needless to say, a blog must be posted…it just has to happen.
While you might be thinking to yourself, "Woah! I can't wait to hear more about the Portis jersey girl!" or "Who was this chick at the Ballroom?" or "Who got laid in their backseat???", you will be disappointed to find that there will be no more mention of those throughout this blog, those will stay in the vaults. Sorry. The rest of this blog instead will be dedicated to me systematically breaking down and making fun of UFC and the accompanying UFC culture that exists. You all know what I'm talking about…the dudes that wear Affliction gear, and Tap-Out shirts, that whole crowd. Simply put, I'm not a big fan of these dudes. And here's why:
UFC IS DUMB!!!!
First off, I just want to make the simple statement that UFC is dumb! I don't get it! What is the appeal of seeing two scandally clad men beating the living shit out of each other until the other one literally blacks out? This is cool? What, are we barbarians from the stone age that rape and pillage as well? Is this the direction that this country wants to be going in? I mean it's 2008, we just elected the first black president of the United States of America, but we're all going to get boozed up and watch a man get beaten until he can't walk? It all makes no sense to me.
The Reston boys and myself ventured out to Champs, a very nice sports bar in Reston, and the place was packed for this fight. Randy Coutore (old, withered man, 45 years old, scrawny) was going up against Brock Lesnar (former WWE wrestler, former Minnesota Vikings 4th string defensive end and special teamer, big as a house), and it pretty much was a landslide victory for Lesnar. Before we went to the bar, Sweeney inexplicably threw a wager down on Coutoure, only to get to Champs and see the size discrepancy and find out that Coutoure hadn't fought in 14 months. Pretty safe to say this was a bad wager…haha.
According to my UFC supporting friends, this was a HUGE fight, yet it just lacked that big fight feel that you get at say a big-time boxing match. This fight consisted of an over-matched old man trying to avoid vicious knee thrusts and eventually falling down to where he was pounded in the face literally 30 times until the ref finally showed some mercy and broke up the fight. I remember just standing there thinking, wow, this isn't that cool. And just like that, the fight was over.
In other news, we immediately left after the fight, and with all of the UFC type dudes that were in the bar getting liquored up, we put the over/under on the number of UFC style fights that would take place in the parking lot after the bar closed at +/- 18…we enjoy gambling.
BOXING IS WAYYYYYY BETTER
Simply put, boxing is a much better sport than UFC (if you can even call it that). UFC will never be able to match the nostalgia that one gets during a big-time boxing match. I'll be the first to admit, there aren't that many big name boxers left out there, and the sport has been getting kind of lame recently, but there is nothing that matches a big boxing match. You have Jay-Z sitting next to Tom Hanks in the crowd, wearing their finest suits and puffing the finest cigars, you have the whole anticipation and build up to the fight, you have the whole atmosphere, you have the REAL Michael Buffer (not his nephew or whoever that guy was), you have a slightly senile Larry Merchant pounding Jack and Cokes until he slurs out his post-match analysis which is always a good time…it just can't be beat! UFC has 50 Cent wearing a New Era hat in the crowd. That's it. Yep.
The best way to put it would be to say that if there is a big boxing match, I would happily pay the $60 to watch the fight. UFC? Not a chance.
UFC FANS ARE LAME
We all know what I'm talking about here, these are the dudes who love UFC, and they are currently infesting a bar near you. You will know this type of dude if they have at least three of the following traits:
- Wearing Affliction shirt or Tap-Out with jeans and some form of boot or sneaker
- Travel in packs (usually 4-5 dudes)
- Hit on any chick within a ten foot radius, usually starting off with some hotties but then settling for a gross chick after pounding whiskey all night
- Have some form of facial hair
- Usually has STDs
- Has multiple tattoos
- Hat tipped at an angle slightly to the right or left
- Listen to hard rock but still mix in some occasional 50 Cent or TI
- Will sing along to Buckcherry "Crazy Bitch" whenever it comes on the jukebox
- Stares every dude down like they are about to kick your ass for looking at them
When did this whole style become cool? This year? Last year? I completely missed the memo on that one. Here's some pics to back me up:
Classic UFC style shirt. Wear at your own risk.
Classic Affliction douchebag-esque shirt. Complete with tats...nice.
This is a sport? Looks like man on man action to me.
Classic UFC style douchebag complete with Affliction mesh hat, tilted slightly to the right, Affliction shirt, and flicking off the camera. He's a bad ass.
This photo was taken minutes after Lesnar defeated Coutore. Looks like the guy in the bottom center wagered on Coutore also.
That's all folks, my rant is over, but in conclusion I think that it's painfully obvious that the whole UFC fighting and accompanying culture is flat out WHACK. Can we now move on to the next fad, please? I'm just hoping when I go to the bar tonight and talk to a female, I won't glance over and notice that I'm being stared down by 5 dudes dressed like the above pics wanting to put me in a leg lock.
It's Friday night, I'm out!
HOLLER