Passion
These past weeks I should have been working on finishing my thesis but instead I have been doing what comes naturally to me, living life with a passion. I have also fallen even more deeply in love. Only God knows how much I love you
In the Med, my face almost numb from repeatedly diving into a pool to get the shot he wanted, I wondered why I am doing this and I realise it is passion, passion for perfection. To give up and walk away, is something I cannot do in life. I never achieve perfection and that day I felt battered from my efforts but efforts they had been and I walked away proud. I have to walk away proud in life nowadays. Life is too important for me to feel I have played a grey card in a coloured world.
Floating so alone in that same pool at 4am trying to name all of the stars, wishing you were there, I felt so small in this world, a tiny inconsequential speck but that isolated anonymity brought me closer to the stars, closer to you. I talked with you through the stars and laughed when a shooting star whizzed down the sky as if you were throwing fireworks at me from your distant bed. Such intense private moments I cherish so dearly. Are people so crass, so insensitive to not know a person's personal intimacy at such times? As my peace with the stars and your magical night fireworks was at its zenith, from the balcony above came a man's voice commenting on my body. I think my words to be left please, in peace with the stars, fell on deaf and ignorant ears, ears that were as closed as his eyes and stupid mouth were open. Please, if you see someone having some rare commune with nature, leave that person be, don't tread on their heads with your large dirty unthinking ordinary self.
Flights back, ski pack and off again, a rush to the mountains, cuddling with you in the back of the car cosy then taking turns to autoroute drive through the flatlands and the hills of France, beautiful France. Driving up to the resort I felt again the tingle of the mountains, the glow on my skin, the glow in my soul.
Sitting up on top of this mountain at 3200m, this was the view over Italy.
Up there I feel so at one with life and feel beauty and purity. Is this reality? While gazing at this view of intrinsic beauty, other thoughts came into my head, thoughts of what might be going on down there in the big world out there below. Thoughts of young girls being sold, being forced to have sex with 20 men day after day, thoughts of girls being raped and beaten so helplessly, thoughts of people being tortured close to death but not being allowed to die, thoughts of drug addicts screaming for their next fix, thoughts of depressed people alone in rooms wondering why live tomorrow, thoughts of people caught in the vice like grips of mental and physical disorders, thoughts of what the hell we are doing to this planet and its climate. Thoughts of that boy in Mongolia, I hope Cardiff man does not forget him. Thoughts of a beautiful soul in CA battling with a disese that is trying to kill her. Thoughts of friends I know battling with life. Thoughts of my own trauma that haunts me still in some moments. Is this the reality?
They are both realities yet so many people seem to be unaware of both. Some know bits of one, some bits of other. Many don't want to know and are too wrapped up in their own little worlds. There is only one success for me and that is to give back to this life more than I take.
As tears ran down my mountain face, I heard one of our group who doesn't know me that well, ask N what was the matter with me. He couldn't find the words but Ali replied that I was "thinking", this other girl said, "well she seems a bit crazy to me".
Yes maybe I am a bit crazy..
Is it crazy that I lie on my back and ask you to pour Genepy into the small hollow at the base of my neck and lick it out slowly while I laugh with my head arched right back and my breasts in your chest.
Is it crazy that I jump up and down in puddles until soaked in water and laughter.
Is it crazy that some nights I leave you and travel to sit in a room with a phone and listen to despair and darkness out there.
Is it crazy that I stand for hours in the cold making tea
Is it crazy that some nights I can't sleep for my head is so full of thoughts?
Is it crazy that I climb trees whenever I can and stretch not just my limbs but my courage?
Is it crazy that I read in libraries for 6 hours at a time until my eyes are bloodshot?
Is it crazy that I need to make love so often and with such urgency that I leave you bruised sometimes from my grip? Is it crazy that I always cry so loudly? Is it crazy that when you are finally still inside of me, I want time to stand still, for ever.
Is it crazy that ski through danger barriers endangering my life
Is it crazy that I jeopardise our relationship every week
Is it crazy that I actually do care about people
Is it crazy that I reply to every mail
Is it crazy that believe so strongly that to bear a child is a miracle and that one's life should be devoted to bringing up that child with love, care and attention? Not smother but help blossom
Is it crazy that I think high fashion is a froth on society
Is it crazy that I adore creative photography and modelling creatively?
Is it crazy that I am obsessive about music and will stay awake all night to try and hear a track again?
Is it crazy that I scream in pain every month as I won't let them butcher me?
Is it crazy that I believe in love, love so deep, souls connected?
Is it crazy that I love to roll like a sausage down the sand and into the sea and down a snow gully with you rolling and rolling until we have snow in our noses and ears and mouths
Is it crazy that I don't let negative thoughts grow roots in my head but rip them out with such force and burn them in front of me
Is it crazy that I go around un plugging all electrical appliances that are not essential and drive you all so mad
Is it crazy that I run naked on the ocean shore when ever I can and feel the sun and the wind and the spray on my body.
Is it crazy that I feel each moment of life go by, that I feel I am going to die young and every second is so immensely precious.
Is it crazy that I hear birds sing, that I talk to flowers, argue endlessly with lawyers and agents and go for the impossible. Is it crazy though that the impossible did happen in that wood panelled room at New Year and it is the most worthwhile thing I have ever done in my small life.
Is it crazy that I feel wealth should be used to good purpose and yet I love Monaco. Is it crazy that the girl that let herself be grossly abused by her "lover" there, is now letting herself again be abused in Sydney. That is sad, a lot of life is sad. A lot of life is not.
Is it crazy that I don't want to die having regrets, guilt and dues.
Is it crazy I love you so much, is it crazy that I add the word both.
I am crazy with passion.
Dolphins in the snow- a reprise
About a year ago I wrote a blog called Dolphins in the Snow. There are seminal moments in everyone's life and that was one. To be back on that same slope up in the mountains, a year later, my love still intact, made me happiest girl alive that moment. A year in which I have seen others lose their loves in heart ripping bloodied anguish. Friends and lovers lost, lives spun around and darkness filling their lives. A year in which I have seen my cousin die, in which I have used up the second of my nine lives. A year also of being disappointed in some people. Some people who I thought had some depth to them yet it would seem their immaturity, insecurities, maybe cowardice, maybe shallowness, has seen them shut people away, ignore emails, not just spend just a second to give someone a smile, make their day. Life is far greater than oneself. We all have our life's traumas and difficulties, those that learn from them and spread some good from them, have my admiration. Those that just want to do a me me me and get on with their own lives, I have no respect for at all.
Flawless love. There is a beautiful line in a song that I am now utterlyobsessed in tracking down. At 4am in the morning I heard this song and it haunts me so much that I am now on a mission to find it. I will be contacting everyone that might know, soon to find it. It is not a song about flawless love, it is about heartbreak and the illusion of flawless love. My love is not flawless there is no such thing and any year, any month, any day, it could die and wither; I have no rights over the future. No one has rights over the future. So to stand with you again on that slope and see the tears in your eyes that one year on we still are together, was more than I could bear without too breaking down. Hugs. And then as if pre-ordained, down we went and each turn was like a turn in life this year and there have been so many but we turned again in unison and at thateach wonderful moment that happens when changing edges, that moment of floating, I felt love burning in me so bright and to hear you too squeal with raw pleasure by my side on each turn made me so close to an orgasm on skis. I have no idea, neither do I care what people must have thought as we snow skidded stopped at the bottom and seemingly attacked each other, ripping almost at each other in a frenzy of passion.
Only God knows how much I love you.
I thought that as a relationship matures, there was meant to be a settling down of feelings, contentment, even complacency. I feel none of that. Maybe it is because I am crazy, maybe it is because I know that life could tear us screaming physically apart at any moment and that thought drives me to be with you every second I can, to kiss you every moment I can, to wake up every morning I can feeling your beautiful breath on my neck, your hand holding my breast as if I was born with your hand there, your hips pressed into me hard and secure, to wake you slowly and see those brown brown eyes open and smile and know the next moments are going to be not just the celebration of a new day in this life but a celebration of our love in such powerful raw intimacy that tears will soak the pillow, as we become one beautiful pulsating connected entity inside each others souls and inside each others bodies. Only God knows how much I love you.</FONT>
Memories of moments. This view is stuck in my head as you spinkled snow over my bare tummy then other places challenging me not to make a sound. You challenge me every day, I sleep fitfully, longing for our next day together.
Never has it been so hot in the mountains. Last week it was boiling hot in the Alps and skiing in T-shirts and sunbathing in bikinis in the snow was awesome. I will let Vegina or Ali post the pic of the guys skiing only in their boxers :) My low point was being injured on the slopes. By chocolate. I know this is an endless source of amusment to Nathan in particular but it still hurts like hell. I normally ski with empty pockets having hurt my self before on a fall but on this day as we were just playing dorks on the piste I foolishly agreed to carry the huge bar of Carte d'Or inside my jacket. Skiing backwards is something I have done as a kid but with a hip flask full of genepy in my tummy I guess I forget that those that ski backwards, had better looks backwards. I slammed into this ice wall like the NooB that I am and the choc bar dug right into my lower ribs. It is really painful. Someone asked if I am softer than chocolate- damn right I am.
Thank you also to a true model in many senses of the word. Thank you Vegina for all of the magical moments we all had last week in the Alps and thank you for letting me test drive your cute boyfriend lol. Yes he is very fast and does know all of the right places to turn on, skiing that is haaaaaaaaaaaaa! Hold him close, let your love unfold as a flower does in the sun.
On the way back from the Alps we stopped again at so pretty Beaune and wined and ran like school children around the square with the carousel and at 4 in the morning discovered some amazing non-stop dance trance on the radio and panty modelled danced crazed all together till sun up in the hotel rooms with the guys feeble on their unfit legs
Up to Paris again for 2 days. Paris my lover, Paris my heart, Paris my soul. Sitting again in St Germain Des Pres with you, all in the world seems right. Why does no other country in the world have such a beautiful sense of quiet confidence, of maturity yet excitement, of culture and fashion and Passion.
In all of my travels, there is just no where that compares and I wish this visit again could have been longer and more relaxed but they called me in and actually weighed me this time!! Lol. Mon Dieu- what is life coming to haaa. Duty of care, they say but curiosity filled her eyes as she made me strip off and stand there and be measured and weighed. Yes, my love of mountain chips and chocolate has changed me a little in places. They seem to like it though as you do as many it would seem do lol I feel good at 51kg. Talks of past work and future work then a quick "as you are here" and off across Paris for a casting- lingerie??! In this weather! In the Alps in the snow it would have been fine last week it was so boiling but Paris this last Monday was freeeeezing and it actually was snowing! It was cold even in her office and the thought of stripping off again made me wonder what sane person does modelling. There are many laws that operate in there is world and one is the fucked up metro ticket. The law goes that whenever one is in a rush, that normally beautifully simple and elegant strip of a ticket, will refuse to work and as Parisians try and shove by, you pray to the great metro ticket god, that this time when you poke it into the slot it will work. But no. One is meant to be elegant and demure but there are times when needs must so with a smile to the nearest guy, he held the horse trap barrier open and I climbed over the turnstile lol EXCEPT- don't try this with a ski choc injury!! As I hauled my self over the pain was so intense and I screamed and people looked at me thinking I think that I had impaled myself on the barrier lol. It is a crazy crazy world where in the thick of winter one travels across a city to then undress in front of complete strangers to stand in just tiny frilly knickers while being stared at and photographed. It is a mad world but one where the power of the female body is immensely strong. Use it wisely, very wisely. Always look like the back of a bus....
I still have very mixed views about modelling. I feel a separate blog coming on…On Tuesday morning I was called in again and while in the office sneaked a look at my file- woooo and greatly surprised what personal comments were in there!- yes OK I am a fashion "nuls" lol -the other comments gave me some interesting insight into how they view me!
In the evening as we sat wine filled in St Michel, a girl began to sing at the piano and within moments had me in tears of emotion, yes I do cry a lot from happiness, deep happiness and love for this world, as she sang the most exquisite slow version of Roxanne. A picture of this as with many others of my photography, of my beautiful memories, I will put up on my Flickr site over the next few weeks. Moments of my life. Many moments in Paris for me are near here..
In the dark in the car travelling back in the UK, by chance a programme about Joni Mitchell came on. She was talking about her love of nature and some of her tracks were played including Both Sides Now. Here is a lady that has lived, is loving and creative, knows sensitivity and emotion. I feel empathy, a deep empathy with Joni and in the dark warmth of the car, with my head on your chest, it felt as if my soul was snuggled into the most colourful complete duvet, rich in its texture and soft in its touch.
I have come away from the past weeks even more certain that life is not in the past, life is not in the future, we live in the present, in the moment.
Live in the moment, be crazy at least for one day in your life. This picture sums up my life . I see a warning sign and I go past it. Life is about taking some risks.
Kiss your lover everywhere except the mouth. -Specktor
Talk only in present tenses. -Mitchell
Don't ignore people who reach out a hand to you, they too are alive. -Kimmy
The world can be shaken by a whisper..... 
Kimmy
xxx
Shit- I still have this thesis to finish…………