I am at my friend Sandra's house and she has the kind of money where someone comes in and cleans her house once a week for her. This woman is Polish, her name is Elka, and she is in her late 50 and really doesn't speak much English. She is always really pleasant and Sandra has had her for years.

The thing about Elka that is so intriguing is her amazing collection of cool t shirts. For instance one day she walked in with dust rag in one hand and a broom in the other, her beat up plastic shoes and some old sweat pants.  The t shirt she was wearing was a first edition vintage HOOTERS t shirt. It was soooo cool. Really faded and beat up looking. I think one of the sleeves was ripped so she had the  80's off the shoulder look down to perfection. She walked in and Sandra and I were in hysterics, poor Elka had no idea what the joke was about. How do explain something as idiotic and American as Hooters to a 50 something Polish women with basic English? She mumbled something about liking the Owl on the front.

So you can imagine now when Elka is around at Sandra's house I am always on the lookout for what she is wearing and the other day was no disappointment. She was wearing a hot pint real life FEAR t shirt. No joke the real thing circa post punk. Faded torn the sort of thing you would just love to sport with skinny blacks and brothel creepers. My jealousy and t shirt envy washed over me like strong bleach on a stubborn stain. Why the heck do I have to trawl through smelly charity shops for hours on end just to find maybe a ridiculous DIO t shirt from the late 80's and this women is wearing the coolest shirts without even batting a featherduster?Fashion is so unfair sometimes. It is wasted on the rich and in this case the not so rich.

I swear to god if next time I see her and she is wearing a vintage Dolls t shirt (ya know the one with four of them with white faces) or the like I will have to literally take it off her. Of course I would ask her nicely first.