Okay, so I stole this. Sue me. ... I mean, please don't sue me... It's in our best interest? Okay but seriously, I didn't write this, Dan Piraro did for the latest issue of the best magazine ever, VegNews. Go check it out now.



Author: Dan Piraro "C'mon get snappy" In October 2007's edition of Vegnews.



You: I'm vegan.

Them: where do you get your protein? Don't you feel weak?

You: I get my protein from plants, the same place elephants and gorillas get theirs. Ask them if THEY feel weak.



You: I'm a vegetarian.

Them: But you eat fish right?

You: Yes, because fish are plants. We know this because they process food through photosynthesis, are chock-full of chlorophyll, and use bees to reproduce. And doesn't a nice bouquet of dead fish in the middle of your dining room table really brighten up the room?



Them: I was vegan for a while, but I just couldn't do without barbecue. (Or cheese... bacon... hot dogs.)

You: I was a meat eater for a while, but I just couldn't live with a colon full of rotting flesh (Or... arteries full of dead animal goo... a heart encased in fat... three daily doses of cancer-causing free radicals... constipation... zits.)



Them: If you don't eat meat, what do you eat?

You: Since giving up the less than a dozen kinds of animals people typically eat, I am now restricted to the mere thousands of varieties of vegetables, fruits, nuts, grains, legumes, and roots in my local market. I deserve a medal.



Them: Fish have essential Omega-3 fatty acids. You can't live without those, can you?

You: I was worried about that, too, until I read a tell-all expose by a fish, which divulged the age=old secret of where they get their Omega-3s. From eating sea plants! Flax seed oil works, too.



Them: I'm vegetarian, except I eat fish. I'm a "pescatarian".

You: I'm faithful to my wife, except I occasionally will pay a prostitute for oral sex. I'm a "copulation-faithfularian."



You: I don't eat animals because it's cruel.

Them: Animals don't feel things the way we do.

You: Which is why they don't have flesh, bones, organs, hearts, brains, or nervous systems. Mercifully, they are made of the same stuff as a Nerf Ball and are incapable of suffering.



Them: But farm animals are bred to be eaten.

You: And not long ago African-Americans were bred to pick cotton, women were bred to serve their husbands, and children were bred to work in factories.



Them: But if we didn't eat animals, how would we feed all of the hungry people in the world?

You: Enough plants and water to feed more than a dozen people is fed to livestock to produce a single meal for one meat eating human. I'm no mathematician, but I'm guessing if we weren't feeding and breeding the worlds 55 billion farm animals, we'd solve the human hunger crisis in approximately four-and-a-half minutes. Not to mention that animal agriculture accounts for the majority of water and soil degradation, contributes more to global warming than all transportation combined, and is responsible for virtually all of the rainforest destruction on the planet. Farmed animals in the US alone create 86,000 pounds of excrement per second, and none of it goes through sewage treatment plants. The damage that commercial fishing has done to the oceans cannot even be accurately measured because it if hidden from view, but experts estimate that 40 to 70 percent of ocean life has been eliminated by commercial fishing in the last 100 years. And as much as 90 percent of large fish are gone, probably forever.

... Okay, that answer wasn't very snappy.



Them: But I don't think I could live without coconut shrimp!

You: At this point it might be best just to smack them with a zucchini and run.
Don't worry. If you've been vegan for long, the average corpse-eating zombie won't be able to catch you.