Tim Doyle here.

As usual, my opinions are my own, and not the opinions of the Staple-crew, our sponsors, employers, etc, etc…they're pretty embarrassed of me, is essentially what I'm saying. 

I was perusing the shelves of Austin Books this week, and I came across this- 

Grimm Fairy Tales by Zenescope comics. 

Now, I KNOW that the Grimm fairy tales that are popularly known here in the states have been cleansed and filtered through the rubric of Disney.  I know about the latent sexuality and brutality implicit in the original texts.  However, that is not an excuse for "Cinderella Gone Wild."

Now, Zenoscope has brought us such fine comics as "Se7en" and "Final Destination."  Because, you know, I just couldn't possibly get enough of those storylines when they were in the theaters.  If the leap from comics to film is rarely successful, the path from film to comics has an even worse track record.   

Zenescope, with their Grimm Fairy Tales book, has fallen down the well of the now all too painfully familiar genre of "Things You Remembered From Your Childhood Re-Imagined To Give You Bonerz."

Was the editorial staff of Zenescope just sitting around one day and said, "You know, I really like Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, but I just can't jerk off to it…We, as responsible publishers of entertainment for the best medium in the world, comic books, really, really need to fill that void.  The Fairy Tales you can jerk off to void." 

Now, I understand the impetus to 'update' old material to make it more Bad@$$ for the modern world.  But I got over it.  I finished high school, got a girlfriend, and stopped being concerned about the sexual behaviors of Hansel and Gretel.  These type of projects just seem to be the product of a stunted development.  Somewhere on the road out of puberty, these guys (And let's be honest…these books couldn't possibly be the 'brainchild' of anything but a roomful of dumb, horny guys) got frozen in time.

"Man, instead of the Seven Dwarves helping Snow White, what if they just have a gang bang?"  "Woah dude…you got a great idea…let's publish it!"  

I lump this book into the same ghetto I categorize such works as "Hatter M" or McFarlane's "Oz" figures (Recently optioned for a feature film!  The end is near!)  The underlying thesis behind ALL of these works, to me, seems to be "What if we took 'X', which we all know from our childhood, and made it really BADASS!"

And, invariably, those 'creators' perception of what is 'BADASS' seems to come from slasher flicks, porn, and heavy metal album covers.  

"Man, when I think of Hostel, Deep Throat, and the cover to 'Slayer: Reign in Blood', I can't help but think of Little Red Riding Hood."

It reminds me of when kids start to get a little older, they try to interpret the trappings of childhood through their now supposedly 'adult' eyes.  How many 17 year olds did you go to school with say, "Dude…Bert and Ernie are totally gay."  It's like as they got older, and the 'innocence' of their early years is now being colored by their evolving perception of the world, they no longer can see the validity in the purity of concept that exists in their childhood fixations. 

It isn't until those children FINISH growing up that they can fully appreciate the beauty of something as simple as The Muppets, or Neverending Story for what they are.  It isn't 'mature' to fixate on the sexual exploits of Kermit and Miss Piggy.  And just because the Grimm fairy tales are in the public domain…it isn't 'enlightened' or even interesting to do so there either.

And now…I am totally going to BLOW YOUR MIND.  I believe that Alan Moore's Lost Girls is a fully functioning, mature text that does nothing to detract from the original works, but only adds to our understanding of them.  And the difference between Lost Girls and "Grimm's Fairy Tales" is this- INTENT. 

LG takes the 3 female protagonists of Oz, Wonderland, and Never-Never land, and all 3 of them relate their respective adventures in those magical lands to each other, each with a decidedly adult flair.  And by adult, I mean both in a mature and sexual manner. 

What Alan Moore, and his illustrious illustrating wife, Melinda Gebbe have done is use the 'magical land' story device found in those original books as a metaphor for the 3 protagonists emergent sexuality.  All three of the girls, at the time of their famous adventures, are at the age when girls enter puberty…and as such, are entering new, unexplored lands of maturity and sexuality.  The emotional rollercoaster of nascent lust and longing are just as adventurous and fraught with danger as a swordfight with Captain Hook.  

Now…I know what you're thinking.  How could I judge Zenescope's entire publishing schedule so harshly, and defend Lost Girls for doing what looks to be, on the surface at least, the same thing?  Because that is all there is to Zenescope and Grimm's Fairy Tales…surface.  There is no deeper intent and it's as obvious as the above Snow White's lack of respect for her own source material. 

"Zenescope: We publish comics designed to give you BONERZ!"