Selfish
How much should other's happiness influence your decisions? At what point should you be selfish? When does doing what's best for you outweigh the greater good and vise versa? Maybe I am not the type of person who ultimately strives to please others. But maybe, just maybe, it's that I see in the end there is no way to please them all, so why not do what I want? Selfish, perhaps? Smart, maybe. Or could it be just another loser take all situation?
Lately my thoughts have been plagued by the idea of doing the right thing for those I love, and doing what seems right for me. In reality there is no real right thing, nor can I fairly judge what is in fact best for me. I do not have the gift of foresight, which makes the ordeal even harder to read. They want me to come home, or at least closer to home. My friends down south and my family all vote that it is time I come back. I have been resistant so far. I am stubborn. I like my life. I don't want to change. Deep down I secretly fear that going back would be a personal defeat. Like I couldn't cut it on my own. As if I had to go back to where life is safe and I am surrounded by those that can comfort and protect when life gets hard. Isn't that why I stayed away? I dislike the idea of giving up. Now I know that none of this is true. I have dealt with things on my own and prevailed. Then what is it that still keeps me away?
Recently a new reason to go back has entered my life; other's happiness. Someone in my life is in pain. Not physical, but emotional. It would mean so much to her if only I were closer. She says as much all the time. Sometimes it seems that her unhappiness might go away if I was near by. But in my heart I know that this is false. Coming home won't fix her. She might be happier, but my presence will not ultimately solve what is wrong in her life. Maybe that is still me being selfish. If she was sick there wouldnt be a question in my mind, but shes not. She would give anything for me, why can't I just do this one thing for her? Perhaps it is my fear. Fear that I can't fix her, that everything will still be the same. Fear that I might make things worse. Fear that I don't want to be around when the shit hits the fan, if it ever does. My instincts say stay as far away as you can. Be that voice on the other end of the phone and nothing more. Save yourself, because youre the only sure bet of saving anyone. Selfish, I know. But it was that very voice that made me leave six years ago. That voice that begged my to chew off my leg to save myself, to save those I loved, to do what was best. I trust that voice. It was six years ago, but that's not so long ago, and in the end not much has changed. If I go back it would just be so easy for things to go back to the way they were, and I can't take that. Distance is a constant source of pain for me, but it is also the security blanket that helps me sleep at night.
Up here my friends all say I cannot go. It would be too hard on them. They say do what will make me happy. Staying here will make me happy. That is just their mouths saying they don't want any more change. My friends down south say come home. They miss me and want to get back to the way things were. They are tired of all this change. I cannot listen to any of them. Even the ones I love most. If I thought moving would make anything better, anyone better, I would. But I don't. Maybe that is me just being selfish again. I see what I want to see because it is in my best interest. Family is family and friends are friends, but I am me that I am the one that has to live with my life. Selfishly I scream isn't my happiness what's really important? But I don't even believe my words. Happiness has nothing to do with it. I would be happier close to my family. I can be happy in this life I've carved out for myself. Perhaps I could be even happier in Guam. But this argument isn't about happiness; it's all about survival. What do I have to do to survive? Unfortunately I fear my decision won't make anyone happy. But that's just me being selfish...