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Current mood:  anxious
I'm getting complacent. This is year three of being alone, year two of living alone, year I don't know what of being dissatisfied with the state of my love life. Yet, the more time that drift by, the less I seem to mind the day to day solitude. I am without, yet that urge deep inside my chest compelling me to keep trying, to keep striving, to keep hoping, is settling down, calming itself, until one day I fear it will become so dormant I will forget it completely. That voice that usually drives me forward has quieted itself. I'm losing the fear: the fear of being alone. My requests for a table of one are no longer accompanied by an apologetic smile. The walk to a movie by myself is not done with my head down. And Saturday nights are not met with an uneasy hopefulness of grand plans to come. I am not afraid. I am simply too comfortable. I am simply too apathetic. I am simply starting to give up. I won't lie. There are days when that driving voice comes back. There are times I will myself to pick up the phone and make that first awkward phone call. Times where I force the keys in the ignition and somewhat unwillingly drive myself to the blind date. And also times when I reluctantly decline a follow up dinner or movie because he just wasn't right. The longer I go on like this the choosier I become. I think that after a time there won't be a man alive that can live up to my standards. Sometimes I fantasize that I'll stumble upon the Mr. Right of my dreams while browsing the produce section in my supermarket, but as I get older the less I feel like that pipe dream will ever come true. Am I just getting so damn complacent that after a while the need for anything more will be so suppressed that I'll just carry on as if it were never there in the first place? Will I move from the state of denial straight on to acceptance? At that point will things simply be fine and can I just get on with my life? Or will I one day just cave in and settle for lack of a more attractive solution. I'm afraid of settling. I'm afraid of being alone forever. And lately, I'm just afraid of being too damn complacent.
6:53 AM
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