As time has passed by I have recognized that I haven't really lived. I have cared much for others. I find myself crying myself to sleep more these days. Not because I live with my mother. I find I am not where I want to be in life. I ask how it is that I have become so discontent with my surroundings? How is it that I have become so self absorbed, selfish, and self reliant? This isn't me.
My passion has always been for God. To worship, praise, and give him glory for all the things he has done in my life. Yet, I am discontent. I desire so many things in life, yet I feel I will never obtain them. They seem so unobtainable these days. I keep asking myself have I lost hope and faith? Have I become so pittiful that I have lost even the measure of faith God had given me through prayer? I use to love praying; communing with God was my passion. I could hear him once telling me "Your a women after my own heart Angela" only I am not sure that I am anymore. Did I miss what he called me to do? Have I become numb to his presence? I sleep a lot these days, I can't stand the quite anymore, and I am scared that I have angered him so. I clean my mothers house every day, I look for jobs, and I speak with friends. Yet I never tell of my own pain. The pain of knowing that I do all these things for my mother because.
I have pushed myself out of people's lives. I spend most of my time in regret. I am desperate to hear God again. Yet, I am stuck in a circle of the same things happening over and over. I struggle with my discontentment only hoping God will hear my prayers and forgive me for everything I have ever tried to do on my own. I struggle day and night with my consciences. I find no relief in the pain I feel. I cry everyday now, sometimes I am not even sure I know why I cry, other days I know just why. This isn't an emotional or mental matter, this is spiritual in every possible way. I struggle night and day just to find peace with God.
No one knows my heart better than God. No one knows the torment I feel inside. I battle not with myself but with something far worse. I battle with grief and uncertianty. I don't even know how to describe that war, but the battle is tormenting my soul greatly. I have been praying but not like I should or even the way I want to. I seem to fight so hard and yet nothing comes of it.
I will not apologize for my depressing thoughts. I speak the truth. I fight something unseen everyday. My dreams haunt me, not for anything I have done, but the things that are going on around us all. No, this isn't some self-righteous or supper spiritual wording. This is what I fight with everyday. It seems unexplainable in words, yet I know no one else understands it. I know scripture well, I know how to pray, and I know not to let anything get to me. Yet everyday I battle against something unseen. I am beginning to wonder if something is about to transpire. I haven't had to fight this hard before, yet its like I don't fight at all.
This is not meant to be a riddle. I am talking about spiritual battles. Things that are unseen and to some unheard of. My dreams have become darkend by the enemy. He has played this one on me before. Yet I feel this time I am living in my dreams. Everyday not doing a thing except looking for jobs, cleaning my mothers house, taking care of everyone's dogs, and cleaning houses. Nothing good has come of all of this. I found a church I like, but I find I am being kept from being there all the time. I would rather be there than here most days. I find solitude in God's sancturary, yet his presence is distant from me. I have sought his favor and I believe I found it. I have sought anointing and have recieved it, yet I know not what I am to use it for. I know God isn't hiding it from me. Yet I find I must have overlooked it in some ways.
Yet there is a question that remains in my heart. Am I destined to live my life in solitude? Am I to be alone all the rest of my life? I have no job, no drivers license, and no precievable life. I am trying very hard but with no results. Is this to be my life?