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Current mood:  enlightened
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I
have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata
agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless
of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the
premises?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently
I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very
excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is
the number required to participate in dog sled racing.
I have
read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own
sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road
during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me
taking first place in the next national dog sled championships.
For
the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then
chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting
saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my
apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the
dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I
yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them
on to being winners.
I am so confident of this being a foolproof
plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and
bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No.
I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being
stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced
over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable
of disturbing the neighbours.
The ducks in the bathroom are not
mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the
apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play
at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from
breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.
Once
I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and
I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it
again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You
cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs
others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the
benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot
have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be
ok.
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David,
under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you
cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.
These
rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including
yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The
ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not
be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along
very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Vintage Liquor
Posted at: 2009-06-09 01:43:45
Original ad:
Collector looking for vintage scotch, rum, cognac, bourbon, etc. Willing to pay top dollar for fine bottles.
From Timmy Tucker to **********@**********.org
Hey there! I saw your ad on ********** and have some "vintage" liquor you may be interested in.
I
have about half a handle of Captain Morgan's Rum, a rare vintage rum
from the Caribbean. I bought this at a liquor store on Long Island in
2007, and believe that its taste has really aged to perfection. I am
willing to sell this for $300.
I also have a very rare bottle of
Aristocrat Tequila. You can taste the fine vintage in every sip. I
acquired it from a friend who says he bought it at a liquor store in
Baltimore in 2005. You can really taste that southern atmosphere in
this one! Due to its rarity, I will sell this for $500.
Also, if
you are interested, I have about half a case of vintage Natural Ice
beer. It was acquired from a frat party I was at about a month ago.
This frat has a very old history with Syracuse, and that history came
with the beer. It doesn't get much more vintage than this. I will part
with this at $50 per can.
I really hate to see this stuff go,
but after my third DUI, the court ordered me to do a program that
involves me staying sober, so I think it is best that I part with this
rare liquor.
Please let me know if you are interested. I have several other buyers lined up, so I will need to know very soon.
Thanks,
Tim
From Evan ******* to Me
Tim,
You
must be crazy to consider that bottom-end liquor "vintage." I am not
interested and am insulted that you would even try to sell me such
cheap liquor at such ridiculous prices.
Evan
From Timmy Tucker to Evan *******
Evan,
I
am very disappointed that you are not interested in these vintage
treasures. Every bottle and can I sell comes with priceless historic
value. Please reconsider, because I don't think you will find an offer
like this anywhere else.
- Tim
From Evan ******* to Me
Are you nuts? You want to sell me beer you stole from a frat, that is a month old, for $50 a can? I am NOT INTERESTED.
From Timmy Tucker to Evan *******
Evan,
I
did not steal that beer, and I resent the accusation. Please reconsider
purchasing this. I am a recovering alcoholic, and fear that I will
drink again if I am unable to get rid of this booze. Please do not make
me drink again!
Tim
From Evan ******* to Me
Why don't you just throw the booze away? You have problems, man.
From Timmy Tucker to Evan *******
WJKAJF
EVAN U RUNED MY LIF. I DRNK ALL THE BOTTLE. U MADE ME CRSH MY CAR AND
RUN AWAY NOW POLICE RJSGJKEW. WIFE IN HOSPTAL. i HATE U EVEN U DISTROY
LIFE
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Missed Connections
Posted at: 2009-06-09 18:44:53
Original ad:
i
saw you outside market east station. you were getting into a red ford
truck. i was wearing a yellow shirt and had dirty blonde hair. our eyes
met and we smiled. i hope you find me so we can meet up :)
From Mike Anderson to *********@***********.org
That
was me. I don't know why you thought we had a moment. I was smiling
because of how disgustingly fat you were. I was trying to hold back
laughter as I got into my truck. When I got in I just fucking lost it.
Dirty blonde hair? Try dirty, grease-soaked hair.
From Chelsea ******** to Me
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
5:35 PM
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