The following comes to us from our good friend Jeff. Don't forget, the next Nights of Our Lives is live at the UCB Theater, Wednesday, May 31st at 9:30. See you there, and please enjoy Jeff's tale of woe right now!

He was a freshman. I was a sophomore. Not that that really meant anything in the world of community college theater departments. Everyone was one big happy clove smoking family. He told everyone he was a musician. I told everyone I was bisexual - it was that semester in every gay boys life that it was cool to be bi but actually throwing down the gay gauntlet was still a bit scary. It was the spring of 1998. 'Tubthumping' by Chumbawumba was being killed on the radio. It was six months before I would start my southern California candy raver phase. I had yet to kiss my first boy. First girl - yes...and if she were writing about her most embarrassing evening, I have a feeling the 'making out with a fat gay dude' story would be it.

Danny's deep brown eyes and collagenesque lips accompanied with his raspy Dave Matthews Band wanna-be voice and piano playing prowess made me fall for him quickly. He was a touchy feely kind of guy. Only not in a creepy Bruce Vilanche grabbed my butt in a dark gay bar in New York City three months ago kind of way. More like an ultra sexed up 'Up With People' kind of way. He would call me 'kitten' and 'babycakes' and 'sweet tits'. Only in retrospect have I found that 'sweet tits' was rather offensive. I do have a certain amount of man titties now, but back in the day, it was truly a problem.

Some nights after band practice - goddamn that still sounds hot and sexy to me. A guy coming over to hang out after he gets out of band practice. Damn you Danny you ruined me for life! After practice he would come over to me and my friends apartment to do shots of tequila and smoke bowls. One evening he came over with a crazy depression face.

"Whats up? Are you OK? You look sad." I was super concerned.

"I hate girls. All they do is cause problems. I am over girls" he moped.

"What happened?" I magically had packed a bowl. I didn't even realize I'd done it.

"My girlfriend broke up with me because she said that I send out bi vibes"

"Thats totally stupid", I couldn't throw the weed at him fast enough.

"I smoked on the way over. I am going to be so fucked up. Jeff, tell me girls are evil"

"Girls are evil. Wanna margarita?"

I made some tequila and lime juice cocktail and called it a margarita. He remembered that he had brought me a present. It was a pack of Djarum clove cigarrettes. How sweet that the first gift from a boy I liked had shards of fiberglass that could rip the tissue in my lungs apart. Cloves just tasted so good.

We started playing Uno and getting dangerously close to hammered. His hand would brush dangerously close to my junk and we'd giggle like drunk Catholic high school girls. We were listening to Ace of Base and Spice Girls....Hmm. Bisexual indeed.

At first I thought I was imagining it, but then I realized that for sure Danny was trying to play footsie with me. He also made the suggestion that we start playing strip Uno to "make things more interesting". My conflicting battle between being the big blinding white guy who wears a pool t-shirt to swim in and wanting some man on man action with this rock star raged for about 5 minutes before I caved in and took off my shoes. I think the rule was if you played a blue card you had to take of a piece of clothing. I think it was rather telling that my first article was my shoe. Danny's was his shirt. Then his gold ying yang necklace his grandmother had given him for his bar mitzvah.

OK. So we made out and he left promptly after claiming he had to be home to help his sister plant sunflowers for her girl scout troop or something. The next day I wrote him a letter. Yup. A love letter. Here are some excerpts from this tragic college heirloom....

I am the type of guy that wouldnt know it if someone was flirting with me if they had a great big sign that said Hey Im flirting with you

I feel a real connection with you

Im not a koo koo psycho

I like you like you. As in I like you

Thanks for being you. And if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew. You would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say Thank you for being a friend

The first and only love letter ever to include the lyrics from the theme song to 'The Golden Girls'. Gay Gay Gay! I would pass this letter around to exhibit but it is old and has 8 year old cat poop on it.

I gave the letter to him on the steps of the Robert B Moore Theatre after our student reparatory meeting the next day. He looked confused. I felt queasy. My roommate Amanda and I had tickets to the Tori Amos concert so I didn't have time to stand around and be awkward. I dashed into Amandas pick up (not a lesbian) and left Danny on the stairs.

All though the concert, I felt that Tori Amos was singing right to me. Every one of her puzzling lyrics suddenly made sense and were written exactly for this moment. Exactly for me and my first love. My first boy kiss. I couldn't wait for him to call me.

The next day Amanda and I were stoned out of our heads. We were drinking orange Crush soda and watching 'Liar Liar'. We never started from the beginning. We always just fast forwarded to the part where Jim Carrey can't lie anymore and go from there. We were toking up on my other roommates bed when the phone rang. I jumped up. Amanda spilled the bong on the bed. We both screamed. Amanda quickly poured her orange soda on top of where the bong water was seeping into our other roommates bedspread.

"What are you doing?!?" I yelled.

"I'm camouflaging the bong water smell with orange soda! Answer the GD phone it might be him", she screamed back.

I did. It wasn't Danny. It was my friend Laura. I had all these girlfriends but no girlfriend. What a tangled bisexual web I wove. I told Laura that Danny hadn't called yet and that I have been nervously waiting for 14 hours. My anxiety level was out of control. I had never had feelings like this before. I was insane. I was officially boy crazy. Then call waiting clicked in...

"Hold on Laura. Call waiting. This might be him"

"OK. I'll cross my fingers"

"Hold on....Hello?"

"Hey"

"Hey"

"Its Danny"

"I know. So, whats going on?"

"Nothing"

"Sounds boring...nothing"

"I'm making a mix tape"

"Cool. Hold on. Let me get off the other line"

I clicked over to Laura. Then I flipped the F out.

"OH MY GOD! ITS HIM. Laura - I'm gonna die. Seriously I think I forgot to breathe. He sounds so cute. I'm dying. I'm dead. AHH!"

"..uh Jeff? Its still Danny."

"..oh. Hold on"

CLICK

"Laura - its him. I've got to go."

"Okay. Good luck"

"Bye"

"Bye"

CLICK

Goddamn M effing call waiting. Suck it.

That was the start of a very tumultuous relationship. He started acting super straight around people. When we were by ourselves he would completely fag out. I became an attention giving toy for him. He was scared of liking guys. I was scared of liking them too much. It just came down to the fact that he had a magazine rack full of issues and I didn't want any part of them for my own well being. That and he hooked up with my other roommate. On her bed that smelled of bongwater and orange Crush soda.