For everyone who'd been waiting, here they are, finally online. All things that have been heard to randomly come out of my mouth. Warning: while some things may be offensive, some quotes are quite old and they do NOT reflect any personal views I have.
-I didn't even explode, I just blew up.
-25, 20, and 15 fives!! I'm so happy!!!!
-We should make up our own mixed drinks and sell the recipes to restaurants. We could even make up cool names for them, like the Flaming Tim! (said with charisma)
-You guys ever notice I have these strange bite marks on my back?
-I feel for goats. They get that whole satanic symbol rap, and its not even their fault. (said suddenly at random on a road trip after about two hours of silence)
-Itd be so cool to be Lt. Dan right now (said as Tim got in Jeffs tiny back seat)
-I don't know if it was a man or a woman, but whatever it was, it was in a bad mood. (said while working the drive-thru at Marble Slab)
-My life sucks! (uttered while playing Tetris)
-Happy lawyers?!! What a suck ending!
-- That was three times funnier out loud than it was in my head.
-I couldn't dislike someone more. (talking about Brandons stalker)
-Fine! I'll play but I'm not gonna win! (at the Wheelers playing VC)
-My ass is so wet right now.
-Silly Jeff, killing is for kids.
-You go!! (to the waiter at Fogo)
-I would tell my mom, if you're not depressed, you should be. One of your children is married to a pirate; another has no direction in life, and the third just might be gay.
-One of these days we should just type it out, or we could just get a floppy disk and name it Tims Flaming Floppy Disk!
-I'm not using that toilet because its scaring me right now.
-This isn't GirlsGoneWild you change that now!
-Man, if I lived in Jamaica, I would give my kid a gun and tell him, If anyone messes with you, shoot them. And tell them if they have a problem with it, come here and shoot someone in our family. That way we could have like a Feud!
-If you could just direct traffic all day long, thats what I'd do.
-I just looked down at my shoelaces, and suddenly, was amazed.
-Yeah, I wish that happened to me every time I went back it time.
-I'm doing terrible things to your bathroom.
-I don't think I've ever tooted that loud in my life; it sounded like a trumpet!
-Some days I wish I were a croissant, so warm, so fluffy
-Let me tell you a teacher about going to school!
-Know what I realized today?!! The difference between the christian and non-christian girls is the non-christian girls become hoes in high school and the Christian girls become hoes in college.
-Whoa! I'm lucky I didn't just pee all over the bathroom. I was going and I kept thinking about I hate you face and kept laughing so hard that I was like whoa (hand motion)!
-We've all peed on our hands. WE'VE ALL PEED ON OUR HANDS! (with fists triumphantly in the air)
-When I'm dictator, I will change all this.
-Yall have floss out the yin-yang. If I had known this sooner things could have been so much different.
-No one forgot Hitler, and no one will ever forget me.
-Today on Oprah... aw shit!!
-Tiddayyyy........*cough*
-We're all dependent on something. (pause, thinking) Unless you're raised by wolves! (pause, thinking) Then you're dependent on wolves!
-I'm not lazy, I'm particular (Tim explaining why, though he is willing to mow the lawn, he is unwilling to roll up the hose to do so)
-Pants are like big napkins wrapped around your legs.
-Do you know who's hot?!! Have you seen that commercial for herpes...
-In the dog world, I am the evil bubble wizard!
-If someone put their balls on me, I'd remember!
-Are we touching the inner thigh??!!!!! (screamed at a full run as I ran toward my held-down roommate)
-Nothing says sexy like Satan!
-Heaven is the Fonze twenty-four seven!
-I just broke a beer bottle in a threatening manner and it was everything I hoped it would be!!!
-...it's like having a gun and not shooting anyone in the face.
-This got ridiculous, and now ive lost my shoes. (pertaining to Wii Fit)
-Chevelle, don't you know Dale Earnhardt died for your sins! (making fun with Whit of a redneck in Walmart whose daughter had an interesting name)
-It's just a shame small children arent allowed in strip clubs.
-What'd she do with them?!!! (response to a coworker saying his sister had bought a whole barrel of pickles at Sam's Club)