I made a couple of attempts over the last few weeks to write about relationships with frustrated drafts, leading, with some help from a couple of friends, to some thoughts I am now ready to express.

            I worried that my thoughts were leading to an endorsement of hedonism, a shallow, selfish philosophy placing pleasure as the purpose of life. I never was big on happiness, as my sixteen years of marriage demonstrate.

            Most of my happiness arose out of my children, their joy became my joy. With my divorce, I expanded this to my friends; joy in their successes became my joy.

            I guess there is a little bit of voyeurism in this, the literal type not the psychological. Part of the reason is the reality that my personal life has been fighting external circumstances trying to force me into a holding pattern. Part of it is just my desire to help, and part of it is that I do like to watch.

            As I looked toward my happiness, my puritan heritage raises its ugly head and says happiness is not relevant; I sigh and struggle with a response.

            And the Paradox rescues me and I am reminded that thinking about today is not denying the future and I am reminded of the words of Christ.

 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?   Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?  Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?   And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:  And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

          
  And I am reminded of my favorite story about Mohammad.

Mohammad met a Bedouin on the road outside of the city leading his camel in. Mohammad preached to the Bedouin, telling him to trust in Allah for all things.

The Bedouin looked at Mohammad, smiled and lifted the reigns of his camel “Trust in Allah in all things?” he asked the prophet, “Then as I enter the city should I tie my camel or trust in Allah that she will be here when I return?”

Mohammad looked at the Bedouin, looked at the camel, and looked back at the Bedouin and said “Trust in Allah and tie your camel”.

 And I look across at my friend as she talked about the wonderful nature of two men she was somewhat involved with and the dilemma of having to make a choice.

And another friend worries that she is going to repeat the bad decisions she believes she made in the past, that as much as she wishes to have fun, to be treated as the special lady she is, she should hesitate and worry.

Part of the American mythology about relationships is the constant need to evaluate in terms of permanency. My parents are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary in a few weeks and I will bet almost any amount of money that neither my father nor mother spent more then a few minutes on their ‘relationship’ the last forty years. I know my grandparents did not.

For them, in a world where divorce was basically impossible and wisdom revealed there is no such thing as the ‘perfect’ relationship, there was the ‘Now’ of the relationship against the background of a world where children were raised, bills were paid, and the garden tended.

And there was respect and love.

I believe a great deal of the silliness surrounding relationships emerges out of the initial infatuation. There are the feelings of exclusiveness and jealousy. The former should evolve naturally while I will never understand the latter.

I am arguing for the possible realization that relationships can evolve naturally and not necessarily tied to arbitrary social and personal rules such as sex outside of marriage, no kissing until the sixth date, and so on.

As to my first friend with the two gentlemen of different strengths and weaknesses, wouldn’t she be happy if she did not need to make a decision but to allow each relationship to evolve?

Our society has made this almost impossible, at some point one of them is going to demand she chose or her own feelings, which I consider may be misguided, will make such a choice ‘necessary’.

I ask why?  One question keeps coming back to me. “What is the difference in the love we feel for our children, our parents, our dogs and the love we feel for a lover?

Sex is not always the answer; many of our lovers never become lovers in fact, and if anyone wants to say sex defines a relationship, please post that blog.

Again, I am being an idealist and my friend faces tough decisions.

As to the friend undergoing change, she needs to remember how brilliant, beautiful, and funny she is. She needs to remember that while some of her choices did not turn out as she wished, they were not bad decisions. She needs to remember that we all agree the future is hers and it is bright. She has already made the big decision, for a while now, decisions should be treated as small decisions and you do not need to sweat the small ones.

Trust in Allah and tie your camel. Live for the day, follow your bliss, let your world to include relationships evolve while being mindful of your future.