So after the past couple of weeks, I've brought myself to begin work and school again. I came back the Monday after we buried PawPaw, which I'm starting to regret now, because I'm still in a horrible state of depression.

Last night was the first night that I had cried about him since the funeral. And it wasn't uncontrollable, hysteric crying, it was just tears. Tears, no gasps of air, no muffled cries in the sleeve of my jacket... just tears.

I feel guilty sometimes about that. Not being able to cry, and I mean really cry. But, I suppose that I have begun my healing, which honestly I didn't think I would ever attain.

I absolutely love my father, but he's missed out on a lot of my life. And I've missed out on a lot of his. I'm not trying to pin myself as an innocent victim, it's just the way that life has played out. But my grandfather... PawPaw taught me to ride a bike. We'd go get sub sandwiches from Mike's in Mountain City on Saturdays (or, at least, every other Saturday). We'd sit and watch movies (the last one that we watched together, the Monday before he went to the hospital, was Last of the Mohicans). We used to ride our bikes from Taylor's Valley to Damascus on the Creeper Trail. He taught me to shoot a gun... well, a rifle. Dad did show me how to shoot a pistol. And we did nameless other things that I wouldn't be able to even fit in this space. But the point is that PawPaw was a very important part of my life, almost like a surrogate father... he pretty much WAS my father.

And I believe that's why it hurt so much when he died. When he died, while I was in his hospital room, my knees buckled. I couldn't breathe. And I hit that cold tile floor and lost it. Nurses and doctors flew into the room, and asked me if he should be recussitated. I said no. After that, their voices were unclear, muffled. A chaplain came in and tried to talk to me. I couldn't make sense of what he was saying. I think I remember "I'm so sorry..." but that sent me into another fit. It hurt. So much.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I love Dad, because he is my dad, PawPaw was a great fatherly influence to me. Dad will always hold a special place in my heart, but PawPaw will always be more than just a grandfather to me. I lived with my grandparents the first eight years of my life, and even though I saw my parents on a regular basis, they weren't the ones that helped me with my homework, or take me to town to pick out a toy, or fix me a snack when I got off the school bus, or in middle school, picked me up after school.

I'm trying to fix my relationship with Dad. It's hard though. I don't really feel like I know him. I think a lot of the reason it's hard for me to get involved is because of his wife. With her, I feel like I can't even get a moment's peace alone with Dad.

*sigh* I think I'll be able to work through it one day, but I'm going to have to work really hard...

My God, I miss PawPaw.