Im just tired of holding everything in because its just screwing me up even more..

I admit that i do have a low self-esteem.. i dont feel like im good enough for ANYBODY and basicaly i believe everything i hear.. and i hate that i do.. I dont feel pretty.. My best friends tell me that im pretty but it doesnt feel like i really am.. I have a long face, and chubby cheeks. Im NOT a double D i have thunder thighs, and fat fingers and toes[[genetic]], i have bags under my eyes(thanks for pointin that out Adrian..)[[genetic]], and i have a small butt.. im not a very interesting person, i see all the bad in things because im scared that if i look at the good ill just end up being disappointed..  we are poor.. so i cant afford things like a cell phone or all those expensive and cute clothes and jewelry.. I look for all the cheap food because thats what im used to. I do let people get to my head, i do say things that i dont mean, i am messy sometimes, i dont feel loved, i dont feel like people actually like me.. they just put up with me, i think about things that are so stupid and i know arent true.. but i think about them and it just makes me even more depressed, like i used to think that since Adrian wouldnt invite me to go to like parties or dancing or soemthin with him and his friends.. that he was tryin to hide me and that he didnt want people to know about me.. but i know thats not true because i know that he loves me a lot and cares about me.. and if im left alone for too long and im just sitting there and thinking than i will start thinkin things like that. Ive been lonley for like for ever.. my two older sisters had eachother.. same with my two younger, and my mom had a boyfriend, all i had was a couple of barbies and a tv. I had best friends but i didnt really see them a lot. Im not a very happy person on the inside.. mabe on the outside.. but when it comes down to it i have like nothing but hatred and loneliness[[and my love]] I used to go to a therapist but as you can tell that didnt work.. at all.. the only thing it did for me was get me out of school and waist our money.. I tried to cut myself one time because i was so depressed that i just wanted to die.. kinda like now.. I havent ever really felt like my life was worth living and that the only reason im still here is because The devil AND god dont want me in heaven or hell.. so im stuck living this horrible life. Im not that smart either so i dont know how im goin to survive on my own one day.. mabe [[hopefully]] ill die before then.