I auditioned for Last Comic Standing yesterday in San Francisco. I had a blast.
Knowing I wouldn't have a drummer to punch my jokes with rim shots I picked up a cigar from Casillas Brothers (unpaid endorsement, I really do love their cigars.) I figured if a cigar in the mouth worked for Milton Berle and George Burns to telegraph home the punchline there is no reason it shouldn't work for me.

The drive to SF was beautiful; blue skies, light traffic and an interview with Magnetic fields on the radio. It occured to me as I drove that it was February 29th, a date that only happens once every four years, almost a fictional date. Perfect.

I parked in SF by Cobbs comedy club, not far from the strip clubs. I liked the idea of seeing what strippers would think of a six foot two human fly, but I headed straight to the audition instead. My guess is the strippers would have been as unimpressed as the many people I passed walking to Cobbs; nobody even took a second glance. It's SF, they've seen stranger things.

At the club there was a big line and I found out many of the comics in that line had camped there over night. I did not look forward to standing in the line but Joshua, the agent who invited me was not answering his cell phonee I approached a man at the door wearing a headset radio who ignored me completely. So, I approached another official looking dude who led me to Ashton. I was escorted backstage and prepped to go onstage skipping all the preliminaries. I do love the star treatment.

Watching the hopefulls audition as I waited was amazing. Five comics or would be comics standing around a table throwing jokes or what they considered jokes. "I hear the hormones in milk are what make my ass fat. Is that why they call 'em hormones? They make this whore moan. I moan, "Oh Man, My Ass Is Fat." " Yeah, I was blown away and relieved to have skipped this stage.

Meanwhile I mingled with some of the best northern california comics; Joe Klocek, Mike E. Winfield to name two and Adam Gropman had come up from Southern California for the day. We all talked shit (figuritively AND literally) and waited our turn before the celebrity judges. Adam was snapping out Fly puns at an amazing rate. Remind me to hire that guy as a writer.

They lined us up and Joe Klocek was standing behind me. A man with a clipboard asked Joe if he was Francois Fly, with me standing right next to him! Funny stuff. We s l o w l y made our way through the Cobb's kitchen toward the stage. What a mix. I had a penguin in front of me, one of the funniest comics in town behind me (Klocek), there was a ladie who I'd guess was in her seventies dressed as Marilyn Monroe and she had a woman with her who might've been her mother dressed like a stripper the morning after a wild party.

I was nervous. I don't know why I get nerves. I had nothing to lose, there was nothing at stake on my end, but try to convince my stomach of this.

So, I reached the front of the line. I could hear the Penguin doing his thing and then he came down the stairs and told us all "I was THIS close." holding up his fingers to indicate a real small fish.

"Francois Fly walking" the stage manager said into his radio as I started walking. I reached the stage and there was French Stewart (3rd Rock From The Sun) and some other guy who I probably should know.

"Hey , how you guys doing? Oh c'mon, is that all you got? You sound like a bunch of house flies!" And here I made two mistakes; I didn't stop and adjust the mic to my height (I had a good five inches on the penguin) and I wasted my time trying to get two people to make noise.

I jumped into my routine. "I've been attracted to the spotlight for a long time... Bzzzzz POW!" silence "Alright, I'll leave you alone with that one for a minute." a laugh is heard. The cigar is in place. I clean my eyes, and I continue my routine. I pause for the space that would be filled with laughs if I had a crowd. Then I hear "okay" from behind me.

The judges slowly, hesitatingly start to say no. I stop 'em. "Aw c'mon, send me on. You konw you want to. You need more, alright." and I threw another joke or two on. I threatened to make love with my lady on their mashed potatoes. I really had nothing to lose at this point so I just went for it. I got a few more laughs and an apologetic "no" coupled with encouragement to keep at it and assurances that it was close. Of course, even the penguin was close.

I headed through the first curtain where I was told to wait and then sent down steep stairs through another curtain and... I'm in front of a camera. "So, how'd it go?" I was asked.

I barely remember my response but I assurued them it was great. They asked where I was from "I was born in France but they kicked me out because I couldn't get the accent right. I come from a big family. My brothers and I were very close. We had a dog. He was delicious."

Then I was put in "The Funny Box" a booth on the sidewalk where I was interviewed by Ashton. I didn't want to joke on the political questions he kept throwing at me as that's really not my bag. "There's some kind of election on? Obama? No, I don't wann bomb anyone." I ran with the Castro questions. "Oh yeah, I ventured through the Castro. Saw the male flies dancing with each other, you know, the fruit flies. I got nothing against 'em, I just don't fly that way."

I came out and saw that a comic I knew had gotten a yes. He was moving on. I won't say who it was since the show hasn't aired yet. Good for him, he deserves it. We chatted about our mutual friend who is currently traveling in India and he told me his opening line was "I always wanted to perform with a penguin and a fly. My dream has come true." I was stoked.

Ashton was really cool and invited me to keep in touch with him. I sincerely felt like he was a fan of my act.

I thought about hanging out for the showcase, and should have but I'd been chewing on my cigar for three hours, my car was most likely covered in parking tickets and I was anxious to get home. In hindsight this was probably my third mistake of the evening. I'd surely have gotten some cameras pointed at me, a big ol' Fly in a shark skin suit  sitting in the audience laughing. But alas, I wandered about lost, drinking chai and smoking my cigar until a nice meter maid helped me find my car. The drive back to Sac took about a billion hours with the Friday night rush hour.

I'm glad I did it. I had a great time and I think there's a good chance I'll get some exposure on the small screen. Awesome.