Facing homelessness is not funny. Its less funny still when you have pitbulls in your life. The list of places that don't allow pitbulls is growing. You can't move into a trailer park. You can't rent an apartment. You can't even fly off to stay with relatives since most airlines do not allow pitbulls over 6 months of age or over 20 pounds. And most of those places don't allow them either.

You can't take them abroad, most countries have an import embargo or an actual nationwide ban.

I keep looking at those faces and the wagging tails and wondering what to do, what to do? It seems that even if a place allows them, if you look close enough there are laws being considered to ban them. I am running into walls wherever I turn.

Today I feel like I hit the wall. Point C's glib observations that I need to just go home make me smile in that sick sort of way. There is no transport for the pits to that point. And considering they're my life, I'm not going down that road of going anywhere without them. I know Point B is looking to disconnect me from all the things that have meaning in my life...but that is a boundary that will not be crossed, no matter how hard he tries to make it so.

Today I am motionless, stuck in the crosshairs of an impossible situation and trying to take a step in some direction. Angry at the fact that in my entire life I have never been able to decide where I am going to live. Angry at being driven out of my own home. I don't know what to do with anger. My inquiries into situations for me and my dogs have resulted in scores of hate mail wishing me ill and them dead. Why are they so hated? I look at them and ask it outloud. They lay down on the floor with their heads on their paws, knowing that somehow they have displeased me and not knowing why.

At the same time I am bound by the knowledge that I am their only hope to make it in this world. And I can not let them down. People have let me down and I know how it feels. People pass by, they avoid, they look away, they make excuses...it leaves that sinking feeling behind. I never want those dogs to feel that. But today I stand alone and it is just me to make things right and I don't have the strength today to figure out how to do that. It is a bad day. The truth is I would already have given up if it weren't for the dogs, I keep going because of them. They save me every day just by being here.

It is so hard to take that deep breath and keep fighting for me. It is ingrained to keep fighting for them. A friend told me this is not the final hour yet and I know that's true. It just feels like it today. I never cry for myself, but the past few weeks the tears are sitting in readiness all the time.

Would I have made the decision to take them on knowing how they would impact all decisions? Yes. But I never dreamed we would be in such dire straits and that the people we counted on would disappear so quickly and thoroughly. All I know is that we will live in a car before we give up. I just wish I could explain to the dogs why their mommy is so sad. Its not you, guys. You have never made me sad a day in your lives. You're the one bright thing in the whole thing.

I know somewhere there's people wondering if they can get a good workout in today, or what to have for dinner, or whether or not they should watch a movie...but there's a lot of people out there like me, in survival mode wondering just when the roof is going to fall in. And we all share some things in common, one of them is that on some days...you feel frozen, unable to move. That's uncertainty speaking at its finest. That comes from not knowing anything that is going to happen so everything you normally do you begin to question. Do you water a plant, do you straighten up a closet? Or do you just toss everything out in the garbage and admit to the futility? I have done both so far and its time to make  decision about which one is best.

The only thing that seems right is happy, well fed dogs with shiny coats because it makes me feel good about something. My shine faded sometime back. I am sorry but this is honesty at its most stripped down level. Today there are people I hate, today there are things that make me angry. Today I am not the best person I could be. I can forgive people who kick me, I've never been able to forgive people who kick dogs. I have known two of those in my life and both of them are responsible for me being where I am now. I should have known if you can kick a dog, you're totally able to kick a person and keep kicking them when they're down. Like, I said, I have been a very stupid person thinking that just minding my own business and doing my job would keep me out of harm's way. Those people just like kicking things regardless.