I've been thinking about this lately, and Kano is one of the worst characters ever. In anything. I mean, his only abilities are a metallic red eye (that doesn't actually do anything; it just glows) and a five o'clock shadow. I'd like to have been a part of that meeting, when the Mortal Kombat team was presenting their ideas for characters. It probably went something like this ...

[fade in]

Sub Zero's creator has just finished his presentation, and for his finale, he does a roundhouse kick to a big block of ice that shatters into an ice sculpture of Yoda. Everyone in the room puts down their Cheeto's and applauds him with their ponytails, and one guy rolls a 20-sided die for no reason. Then they call up Kano's creator, who rubs his wolf t-shirt for luck as he steps up to the plate.

He pulls a velvety curtain from his wheeled cart, revealing an air-brushed mock-up of his character, and says, "Behold!"

"Please explain what your character does, Viper."

(Kano's creator legally changed his name from 'Chuck' to his favorite snake earlier in the year)

"Well, first things first. His name is Kano! I expect him to become popular enough that people will start using his name as a verb. As in, 'Do have a curfew tonight, Viper?' ... 'Ka-NO! My mom's out of town.'"

All the ponytails in the room make whip noises, and one guy bites into a Dorito. They approve.

"So, what does he do?"

"Well, he's got this metal plate on his face, and one of his eyes is red."

"Does he have an accent?"

"You better believe it! Australian!"

Scorpion's creator is so psyched about this that his ponytail karate chops the person next to him in the neck. The man drops his Guns N' Roses tape on the floor and passes out.

"What about abilities?"

"He doesn't even need them! He can just scowl and have a five o'clock shadow, and people will totally know how dangerous he is! That's how badass he'll be!"

"Is there anything else you'd like to add?"

"Ka-NO! I think I've made my point." Viper crosses his arms and smirks smugly.

At this point, a Rush song starts playing from an overhead speaker, and the room goes crazy. Mountain Dew is flung about, Funyuns erupt from the floor, and five of the staff members are suddenly battling it out in a LAN game.

[fade out]

So that's how I'm seeing it.

But really, how did Kano make the cut? Characters just don't get much crappier.