Where to start, where to start.

It seems that everyday I wake up and there is some new form of precipitation tapping on my window. No matter how it falls, how beautiful, or how unique, it all lands in the same unwanted, uninvited pile in my world.

I wonder why time in winter all runs together. Day and night is only determined by a clock, because either way it's dreary and frozen. The light of day seems only recognizable when you don't need that extra lamp. Some people are so looking forward to the spring and summer months. I am for the warmth, but not for many goodbye's I will be saying. I often times wish I could freeze time, but not be frozen.

I am slowly starting to realize that everyone I know, will someday soon--or one day in the future--be gone. Not necessarily in a morbid way, but rather they will be out of my physical reach. I have big dreams, but who's to guarantee that I will ever leave this unhappy, uninspiring place? To everyone who's getting out, thanks for the invite...

I miss my best friend. I close my eyes are recall laughing almost constantly... I swear I had the best abs ever. Driving around listening to music. Smoking behind our parents backs in high school. Talking on the phone contemplating life and everything in it until the sun came up. Being there for each other no matter what, no matter when. Dropping everything just to be there. The only reason I am looking forward to winter next year, is because she will be back at my side. Dynamic duo. It's true-o.

I can't seem to save a dollar to save my life. I work hard. I work often. I do a damn good job doing it... I am only surviving. I feel I will always have my debts to pay, I will always have my bad habit of spending what I don't have, and I will continue to wish for things, instead of possess them. I wish I could afford to keep buying unique things. I don't want to be like anybody.

My life is in a stagnant rut right now, which has put me in disarray. I feel like I can't focus on any one thing. Sometimes my eyes dart around, looking for an exit. I get paid to stand there and wait for a phone to ring, or some idiot to brave the cold weather to come and eat out, so I can show them to one of 50 vacant tables. Yes, my job is very important. I stand and make lists of things I wish I had time to accomplish, whether it be groceries I need to buy, books I need to read, CD's I want to burn, or chores I need to do. I never have time to enjoy my favorite things, such as bubble baths, watching my favorite televisions shows, and reading my favorite books so I can escape to a more perfect world for a few hours.

I want to open a window and let a warm breeze pass through my hair. Wear a sundress without goosebumps. Step outside and feel the grass against my bare skin. Take a deep breath and capture the earthy essence of spring. See small purple Crocus's and Tulips popping up in random corners of the yard. Feel the sun kiss my cheeks. I want to experience all of this, from behind the lens of my camera. At this point in time, the smell of dirt has never been sweeter.

I have been thinking lately about subtle reminders. Meaning, items, sounds, smells, and feelings that connect me with the past that I once lived. Today was one of those days. I heard a ringer on a cell phone that instantly made my stomach jump. I also smelled a fragrance on someone, and it brought a tear to my eye. And of course the ever-present reminders of when I was a small child. Why does this happen? Does it happen to everyone? I guess it is all a cycle. Everything in my life that matters right now, will one day have it's own subtle reminder. I guess all I can do is drink it in.

Today I heard from someone unexpected. Someone I spent a lot of time with. Someone I am sure I loved once. I have spent many days and nights away from them. I've seen six seasons change, and have made a million new memories to push them out. I have smiled, gone weeks without the very thought of them, changed in appearance, and found various forms of confidence where they left me lacking. I fought through the loneliness and came out on top. I have learned to love myself and my life, all on my own. But I must say, my heart jumped out of my throat today. Like I said before about subtle reminders...

Now, I must go find one of my lists, and get to crossing-off.