Nothing fancy here...No pretty graphics...No words of wisdom, sorry.
I just wanted all my dear friends to know where I've been and to let you all know how much I appreciate all of your thoughts, prayers and concern for me these past few months.
As some of you know (if you read my bulletin or my last message posted on my Web site: www.hope4survivors.com), I was severely ill after returning from Christmas vacation visiting my son before he shipped out with the Navy for a 7 month tour. I was hospitalized with severe reactive asthma that progressed into pneumonia and I literally almost died. My oxygen levels were extremely low and at least once, when the hospital staff thought I was unconscious, I heard them say, "We're losing her!" Funny thing is, I was not afraid at all! I felt an overwhelming sense of relief!!! As all of you know I am an abuse survivor and my recovery process has been long and exhausting! Most of you also know that I am a Christian and I was ready to fall into the loving arms of Jesus right then and there. Instead, I re-gained consciousness several hours later and instead of feeling relieved...like I had been given a second chance at life, I felt cheated! I know that must sound strange to some of you, but it's true. I would have missed my husband, my kids and all of my friends, but I was honestly ready for the long struggle I have undergone since the years of abuse, neglect and torture I suffered as a child to be OVER, FOREVER!
Anyway, this feeling of being cheated eventually evolved into a full blown depression and thoughts of suicide and I checked into a psych hospital on February 24th. My current therapist had the insight to ask me the dates of all the other suicide attempts and hospitalizations throughout my life and so I looked into it. My father's birthday is February 25th! It had never dawned on me before why I often get severely depressed as his birthday approaches. Since I do not have all of my memories, I don't remember specifically what happened on my father's birthdays when I was a child, but my therapist theorizes that he must have given himself an extra "special treat" (her words, not mine) on his birthday and that's why I often break down around that time of year.
Another revelation...I was diagnosed with DID in the hospital! I was shocked in some ways and in other ways I was not surprised at all. My identical twin (who was also abused...often right in front of my eyes) was diagnosed with DID several months ago. I guess it is very common for severely abused/neglected/tortured young children to develop alters in order to survive (literally). So, this is what I have been dealing with these past months and it has been quite a struggle! I won't pretend to have any answers about it. I'm baffled, confused, freaked out and down right scared shitless!!! So, I don't know how often I'll be on here. I'm just trying to survive right now and I mean that quite literally also.
This might sound quite crazy, but if you want to judge, be my guest. I don't know if my father brainwashed me or what, but apparently one of my alters is in charge of keeping all the nasty, dirty little secrets and now that everything is out in the open and he has been discovered...this alter is pissed at me! He (I say he, because this alter seems to relate to my sadistic father for some insane reason) has severely hurt me several times since my diagnosis and I have uncovered/foiled what I believe to be plans to kill me. One of which was discovering a large straight edged razor that I have no memory of purchasing or placing in my bathroom. Luckily, I was "myself" when I discovered it and disposed of it where it could not be used to my demise. Apparently, this alter does not believe that he is part of me and that if he kills me, he will be dead too, so that's part of what I've been working on. It's so freaky and weird! Most days I feel quite insane! It sucks to have lived my whole childhood in utter terror and fear of my parents and now there are days I am just as afraid of myself...or at least a part of myself! How F'd up is that?!!
Anyway, there's a brief explanation of what I've been going through and where I've been. I thought I'd better blog while I am me and not someone else (I've discovered at least six alters/parts already). I cannot guarantee when I will be back, but I am determined to communicate only when I am the adult, "host" me. If any of this makes sense, then you're way ahead of where I'm at!!
Trying to keep a sense of humor! Love to all, Hope