Who Gives Kudos:

	HEAT-RAY! HIGH ENERGY HEAVY METAL!	duuuuuuuuuuuuude!!!!! would be my response!! then laugh hysterically and tell everyone via face-fuck   Posted by HEAT-RAY! HIGH ENERGY HEAVY METAL! on Friday, July 17, 2009 - 9:18 AM [Reply to this]

	CRACKTOWN	I'm not sure I'd be able to laugh - hysterically or otherwise.  Actually, I know I couldn't because this hypothetical situation is - much as most of the subject matter for the week's study - has arisen in CrackTown's personal history (including the alien invasion, which we managed to foil under circumstances still cloaked in darkest secrecy). "To tell or not to tell" is the big question, isn't it?  I rather admire your open and frank candour - though I should think that your many friends would be well-advised to check the reliability of their locks...   Posted by CRACKTOWN on Friday, July 17, 2009 - 9:31 AM [Reply to this]

	Jocky Venkataraman	tell them you're there and you couldn't help but notice what they were doing. stick around to see if they carry on. If so, join in, and consider yourself a pioneer of a new sex trend- this winter we'll all be having 'come and join me' dinner parties. "It's so very premodern, I can't stop myself."   Posted by Jocky Venkataraman on Friday, July 17, 2009 - 9:23 AM [Reply to this]

	CRACKTOWN	This answer does Mr V a great deal of credit, as it goes: the "everyone does it so let's get it out into the open and remove the last vestiges of perceived stigma" attitude is highly commendable, and one that should perhaps extend to other activities - even if we lose something in the form of the priceless gift of peurile sniggering along the way, perhaps. I do rather fancy, however, that there's something a touch to idealistic about his suggestion: all too soon, these DIY Dinners would degenerate into mere competition - "Look at that!  I've already chucked me muck and we're only halfway through the soup course" or, conversely, people would be gritting their teeth and thinking about obscure Minor Counties Test scores of the 1990s while the port was being passed.  Rules would be set - a governing body would be formed, and eventually (inevitably) the events would be televised and there would be Pro-Celebrity matches. I don't want to see Paul Ross having a milk-race with that camp airline bloke; do you, cats and kittens?   Posted by CRACKTOWN on Friday, July 17, 2009 - 9:39 AM [Reply to this]

	apple max	not having any 'close personal' friends, i would have to apply this poser to 'acquaintances and housemates' - film them on my mobi then demand money and/or services to not post the vid anywhere + everywhere ;-)   Posted by apple max on Friday, July 17, 2009 - 10:49 AM [Reply to this]

	CRACKTOWN	We were aware that this survey might throw up some fairly sordid and disheartening findings clinging to the filthy underbelly of the collective consciousness, but this...? Materialism; a preoccupation with personal power; the misuse of technology? Oh, for shame, Sir!   Posted by CRACKTOWN on Friday, July 17, 2009 - 11:04 AM [Reply to this]

	alikat Ali Lovelock	I'm with AppleMax on this one....... filthy lucre maybe, but needs must, i have an expensive lager habit to support   Posted by alikat on Friday, July 17, 2009 - 12:25 PM [Reply to this]

	CRACKTOWN	We thought - well, I suppose hoped is more the word - that CrackTown's friends would have loftier souls; hoped that they'd be above cashing in on people's discomfiture.  Are Heat-Ray and Jocky Venkatamaran really the only chums we have with the merest flicker of Finer Feeling? We await further input with a sort of frozen disgust and horror...   Posted by CRACKTOWN on Friday, July 17, 2009 - 12:50 PM [Reply to this]

	Steve Steve Welburn	Ask them where, in this world of Universal Peace and Plenty, they managed to score some elbows...   Posted by Steve on Friday, July 17, 2009 - 1:32 PM [Reply to this]

	yol1971	i would quietly shut the door and then set light to it, giving the onanistic friend a glimpse of catholic hell...or i would leave a post wank survey for them asking if lepers or stroke victims made better toss fodder.   Posted by yol1971 on Friday, July 17, 2009 - 1:52 PM [Reply to this]

	CRACKTOWN	Ah yes; old-school, fire-and-brimstone morality.  It's almost refreshing after the tawdry parade of grasping nastiness we've seen trickling in so far... I'd also (strictly a personal obvservation) guess that the enstroked would be more wankworthy: I don't know; there's something about the slack wet mouth that has more erotic appeal than multiple lesions and things dropping off.  Then again, I've got a very watercolour/Beatrix Potter aethsetic sense - which is not to say I get the horn from animals (even ones in adorable little waistcoats and hats).   Posted by CRACKTOWN on Friday, July 17, 2009 - 2:34 PM [Reply to this]

	'Hank the Tank Lovemuff'	I think it would be a simple 'What the fuck?!' Then turn and walk away. Possibly cry for a while for the loss of my visual innocence.   Posted by 'Hank the Tank Lovemuff' on Friday, July 17, 2009 - 9:39 PM [Reply to this]

	Jammie Sammy Samantha Sweetland	I do this all the time, walk in on close personal friends pleasuring themsleves, ahh but you see its not what you think.  The majority of my friends are female, and the greatest pleasure a woman finds, is in a bar of chocolate, or a slice of cake. *purrrrrs* Yep.  If I walked in on one of my mates scoffing a bar.  I'd ask for a segment/bite/slice, and if she wasn't willing to share....well then i'd have to fight her to the death for it.  Thats the rules.   Posted by Jammie Sammy on Saturday, July 18, 2009 - 12:51 AM [Reply to this]

	Jammie Sammy Samantha Sweetland	But if you were specifically talking about wanking in terms of pleasuring..well then, us women are quite social animals and when we say we're off to a bake sale or bingo or weight watchers what we actually mean is we're off to sit around, drink, slag off men and have group fingering sessions.  So walking in on a friend playing with herself would just be a case of standing there waiting for said actions to reach their climax and then continue talking about last nights big brother evictions.  Now that i've divulged the big secret I'm going to be shunned for womenkind, but hey you guys are worth it.   Posted by Jammie Sammy on Saturday, July 18, 2009 - 12:56 AM [Reply to this]

	CRACKTOWN	Astonishingly, it appears that there's a a difference - or at least people think there's ad difference - bwteeen a cat banging one out, and a lady finding similar relief from the stresses of an ordinary day.  Quite why one is more acceptable than the other is a mystery; does money change hands, one wonders...?   Posted by CRACKTOWN on Saturday, July 18, 2009 - 1:56 AM [Reply to this]

	*Podwangler	Be very surprised that they were in my flat, for a start.   Posted by *Podwangler on Saturday, July 18, 2009 - 12:16 PM [Reply to this]

	CRACKTOWN	I'm not sure that the question implied that this act was being performed in your own home - but congratulations upon having the sort of welcoming, hospitable home environment wherein you can imagine somebody feeling comfortable enough to just ... well, you know...   Posted by CRACKTOWN on Sunday, July 19, 2009 - 10:47 AM [Reply to this]

	*Podwangler	Ah, I see. Well, my phone would come out and start recording video, making the person's face clearly visible, and I would thenceforth extract favours ad nauseum whilst holding a sword-of-Damocles-esque threat of posting the video on the internet and linking it to every social networking friend they have if they relent. Blackmail can be a force for good. It can also be a source of evil amusement.   Posted by *Podwangler on Sunday, July 19, 2009 - 1:02 PM [Reply to this]

	CRACKTOWN	This is the first time that two responses have matched up so precisely - AppleMax had the same idea.  Extrapolating from this, we can perhaps estimate that 30% of people would blackmail the onanist; a sure sign that there is still a strong (though not overwhelming) instinct towards materialism and personal power within the human psyche.  Either that, or the two people are one and the same - I've certainly never seen them in the same room together, I'm bound to say.  I hope "they're" not some bored internet prankster though: it would be a shame to have compromised the strict scientific methodology that has informed our Mind Census with juvenile hi-jinks, however well-executed...   Posted by CRACKTOWN on Sunday, July 19, 2009 - 1:43 PM [Reply to this]

	*Podwangler	Fear not, I am not he (or she). Even in jest I'm not sure I could stomach starting a sentence with anything other than a capital letter.   Posted by *Podwangler on Sunday, July 19, 2009 - 5:20 PM [Reply to this]

	CRACKTOWN	Reassuring, I must say: not the fact that you're not operating under a pseudonym (though there is some comfort there); rather that you still have some interest in basic grammar and what-not.  What has emerged from this week's in-depth analysis of the human organism, is that most people can't be arsed they jst do ths n put a smilly face lol etc.   Posted by CRACKTOWN on Sunday, July 19, 2009 - 6:04 PM [Reply to this]

	*Podwangler	lol wtf roflmao pmsl etc etc.   Posted by *Podwangler on Sunday, July 19, 2009 - 7:16 PM [Reply to this]

	Miss Kitty Smith	This has actually happened to me. I opened the door to find my soon to be brother in law wanking, naked, and watching a porno. My first instinct was to close the door silently and leave, but my 'lovely' intended, (as was), stood in the doorway for a full minute and laughed.   Posted by Miss Kitty Smith on Saturday, July 18, 2009 - 9:14 PM [Reply to this]

	CRACKTOWN	I commend you on your restraint - it shows a delicacy of feeling sadly lacking elsewhere.  When I discovered somebody doing it - and using my phone to enhance the experience, I was exceedingly vocal, and may not have evinced the sort of sympathy and understanding that a friend should have for another. I also made him pay for the calls - about a hundred and fifty pounds.  You had to admire his persistence, I suppose.   Posted by CRACKTOWN on Sunday, July 19, 2009 - 10:52 AM [Reply to this]