Douglas,
Thanks for putting this up. I've often been concerned with the way women have been set up as these gatekeepers to sexuality. I think that men these days can be and usually are thoughtful and mature enough to decide when it is appropriate to move to the next level sexually and to discuss it with their partner. I think it's an insult to men to put all the responsibility on women to draw boundaries.
What do you think, as a man? Is there an expectation that you are to push the line as far back as the female partner will let you? (I'm obviously not adressing the same-sex partners, but is there this issue here as well?)
Blair
 

Oh yeah! It's incredibly insulting. On the other hand, I do know guys who are like that. Who just follow the caricature of male stereotype. But isn't that really what sexual revolution is about? People allowed and expected to take personal responsibility for their actions instead of following a socially constructed script? Personally, growing up I've for a long time been aware of a couple different models of "a man." One is of a boy that's bigger and has more power. I think that's a pretty mainstream, accepted idea of what it means to be a man. I've always preferred the model of (real and fictional) people like Atticus Finch, Martin Luther King Jr, and Jason "Furious" Styles. I think young boys are in short supply of male role models. And faced with a deluge of bigger boys with bigger toys, but the same lack of responsibility, leadership, respect for wisdom, that young boys have. It's Lord Of The Flies in so much of society and it's too much of Jack, and not enough Ralph and Piggy, if you know that book. I'm reminded of it often.
It really scares me that Cosmo is so widely read by an audience of young boys and girls who are just beginning to learn about and define gender roles and a sense of what is and isn't sexually and socially appropriate or normal.
-D
 

What can we do about this? I think that girls are starting to get the idea of saying no, etc. However, there is starting to be more of an idea of sexual "promiscuity"(I realize this is a loaded word) being associated with asserting sexual independence. I don't want to focus on that right now, but to ask, what kind of education is happening for MALES? What kind of education should we be giving to MALES? What would they be receptive to so that they begin to feel that it's a shared responsibility between the two partners to make the decisions about sexual encounters? I think us always directing education only at girls once again reinforces the idea that the GIRLS are the ones who are responsible for being in the "right place at the right time", "saying no firmly", etc. Let's keep this discussion going...
 

I really think it's as simple as having men that boys look up to talk to them about sexual power dynamics, responsibility, respect, the importance of integrity. Any effort that works towards connecting young boys with thoughtful men of integrity will do the most help for this trend. Programs that keep fathers in the household, or even that make it possible for parents to spend less time working and more time spending time with their kids are great. Also more male teachers, but with that there needs to be an expectation that these men speak out about moral issues related to adulthood and responsibility rather than just teaching the textbook. When I was in middle school, 6th grade I think, the male teachers got together and put all the boys in a room while the female teachers put all the girls in a room. I don't know what was discussed in the female room, I can only infer, but in our room the male teachers took turns talking to us about the responsibility that comes along with male sexuality. I remember one point where they asked us to think of all the derogatory names we could think of for women and then for men. Then they talked about sexism and the problems we inherit from a male-dominated world and our responsibility to not continue those problems. There was one Social Studies teacher in particular, Mr. Downs. He was coach of the soccer team, usually only went by "Downs" no Mr. and had a very popular yearly ritual of giving every one of his students nicknames. He was the coolest guy anybody knew. I can't remember what else happened, but I've always remembered what kind of an impact it had on us to see the most popular male teachers talking to us about how they expect us to treat others, particularly women, as we grow into adulthood.
I think that was a good thing, but should have happened more than just once. I had an Govt/Econ teacher my Sr year of high school who dedicated class every Friday to what he called "Common Sense" where he just talked about all kinds of advice, tricks, wisdom to life that you can't go anywhere to learn. We didn't talk about sexuality, but I think it was a great model for taking some time out of class regularly to address character and life. That segment of class was always highly anticipated and enjoyed and he was generally regarded as a particularly cool teacher as well. I think kids are thirsty for wisdom from people they respect. I think women as a whole have done pretty well for themselves in breaking some glass ceilings and advancing into new fields and roles largely because there are plenty of female role models to lead the way, but boys haven't advanced much in that time in terms of catching up with how to handle the sexual revolution with integrity and I think it's for a lack of guidance and most importantly, example.
-D
 

Wow...thanks for bringing this to light! I'm so tired of people saying "Well, she deserved it...she shouldn't have been there alone" or "she shouldn't have been at this place at this time". Well, maybe "she" should just lock herself up in a room and do nothing fun or exciting, right? (*sarcasm*) Unbelievable...
 

Ha, yeah exactly. I'd like to see more discussion in classrooms about this idea. It's so pervasive and goes unchallenged.
-D
 

A big problem with so-called "grey rape" is that it isn't getting reported, so there are no consequences for the perpetrator, the statistics are not accurate to be used in educating others, and the victims often cannot effectively address the emotional impact from the event.

I am an unreported grey statistic. At 18 years old, the best I could call it was "oops" because it didn't even fit the profile of "date rape". I didn't realize how it effected me, yet it influenced so many things in my life after that.

It should not be dismissed as being less than rape by being defined as "grey".
 

Wow-- rape is rape and no seriously means no even when you can't actively say yes. I can't believe they would have a story like that in their magazine as if women who experience something like that wouldn't already be confused and conflicted. Then again, with issues like "lay down and let him take your clothes off" "just give it to him" and whatever the hell else they write, cosmo finally just came out and said it. wow