Yesterday, Michel Negroponte filmed a test of me to send to HBO. Previously, he had spoken to one of the HBO powers-that-be and they were interested enough to ask for a few minutes of footage. The project will most likely focus on post-traumatic stress and its effects on my life (including working in the sex industry). If HBO approves the test, they will financially back Michel to make a documentary about me.
In the test, I wanted to convey the various elements of my life—the tragic, the frightening, and the ridiculous. I wanted to be both funny and sad, hopeless and hopeful. Despite my sincere efforts, I think I failed. I failed myself and I feel like I failed Michel, although he says no.
I got just two hours sleep the night before, so I had difficulty focusing. Rushing around doing errands earlier in the day only contributed to my scattered thought processes. Although I’m usually an excessively emotional and animated person, a few days out of the month my hormones stabilize and I’m disgustingly well balanced. As bad timing would have it, we filmed on one of my emotionally stable days. Just the week before, I was crying on a daily basis and punching my bed pillows because I felt so angry and overwhelmed with flashbacks. Whatever the reason, as Michel's camera was rolled, I was dull. When he asked me to talk about the child abuse I suffered or my experiences in the sex industry, I found I was even boring myself. I just wasn’t that interesting. In an impromptu moment, I sang a little, but I haven’t been practicing as I should, so that wasn’t up to snuff either.
We worked for about five hours. After which, I expressed to Michel my dissatisfaction regarding my performance and my dismay at having let him down. He assured me that the magic of editing can produce miraculous results. I trust his skills. He’s an exceedingly gifted editor and filmmaker—an artist. I just hope that I haven’t ruined everything, despite Michel’s talents. Of course, I suppose we can always re-film or add footage, since nothing is etched in stone yet.
I feel my story is an important one to tell. It is the story of so many women who were abused as children and, because of crushed spirits, turn to the sex industry, where they are abused even further. I need to, no, I MUST tell my story and I know that Michel is the only person who can give my story a real voice. So, I am putting my trust in him and my faith in God that this will all work out. I’ve been praying to Sts. Jude and Anthony for their intercession. All things are possible with God.
So Dear Friends, while I realize there are more important issues going on in your own personal lives and in the world, I humbly and sincerely ask you to please say a little prayer for me. I hope that whatever finished product Michel sends to HBO, it will be enough for them to give him the go ahead for the documentary. Certainly, in the future I want to produce good work, worthy of Michel and worthy of my story. I need to losen up and be myself.
I think this will be a powerful project that could very possibly help many other people.
Thank you so much for your time.