if only i had the diligence to crawl out of bed at night, at dawn, at whenever it is i wake up crying and excited with emotion...  perhaps i could remember some of my most genuine profound thoughts-straight from my subconscious dreamland.
  while the silliest little introduction of that oh so adorable pain brings back all sorts of old and should be banished woes n fears-the truth is they are still there and will probably never go away.  although i wish to rid myself of egotism, such an ambition is clearly inescapably a contradiction in itself.  as much repair as time can reorder and redefine, a memory; bearing the pain of utmost disrepect/regard, whatever, of someone else's selfish indulgence, has dug such an ugly hole in me that the rotten weeds n worms continue to spoil my happily growing ali garden. 
   try as i may to live in the present and seperate myself from my long dubbed "predictions of doom," i simply cannot move on without ridding myself of baggage from the past. i want to float weightlessly.  with only satin ribbons and rag tag ties of supreme goodness.
   is it possible to hold on to the warm beauty of my precious peutunia with all this poison dribbling over on my beetle fest?
    -so many flowers blowing in the breeze, shaking their knows-too-much-tailfeathers.. just wanting to share some sun n soil, but know better than to try n shine in the shade