so i got bored last night at 3am and decided to flip through some of the old pages in my journal. i decided to trace my ex-relationship back to the very very beginning. after several months of being in our honeymoon phase, i realized that our relationship actually slowly began to crumble page after page. eventually, i just shifted my focus entirely from the relationship to my problems with the family. it was almost like he didn't exist for a few months until we separated. it was almost like the relationship was constraining me from all of the other aspects of my life.... or so it seemed that way from analyzing my thoughts in the old pages of my journal.

and then i got to thinking... you know, my relationships have always been this way. after a few months of believing that i'm in a serious relationship, i almost begin to find reasons not to like my significant other for fear of things getting a little too serious. in all these beautiful relationships that i probably ruined, i thought that they would be the ones with the commitment issues.... when in reality, it was me.

i know that had nothing to do with anything... i just thought it was an interesting discovery.. or rediscovery... haha.

and i also realized that i'm absolutely horrible with hair and make-up. mad respect to women who know what to do with their faces and their hair. it is truly an art...... that i will never master.

that's why i call myself a pumpkin. my horrible sense of fashion, weird make-up, and unbrushed hair contributes to my "pumpkinness." and that's why i'm awesome! :D