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Sam Jones - The Bald Hull Guitar Comic Type Person

Happytobehere Happytobehere


Last Updated: 11/21/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Single
Age: 30
Sign: Virgo

Country: UK
Signup Date: 5/15/2006

Who Gives Kudos:

;-) (2)
Minnie the .. (2)
*Podwangler (2)
Santa's.. (2)
buggerboy tom (2)
Miss Kitty .. (2)
Friday, February 29, 2008 

It has just been pointed out to me that as I work to a flat yearly wage and so therefore I am working today (the leap day) for free. This has made me rather upset and so I've decided to spend a half hour of works time coming up with ways I'd improve the world when I'm elected master of the universe as payback – please note that if for some reason circumstances do not pan out the way I envision and I'm not elected master of the universe I will just cease control by force...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

The rules of the 'leap day' are much more complex than you might imagine (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leap_year if you don't believe me, then see http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=164 for additional crazy calendar crap). Surely if we are going to do this we should be doing it properly.

 

My proposal is that we use this unusual and stupid day to do something unusual and stupid.

 

For a start we will stop counting it as a day of the week. So this week, for example, would go Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, LEAP DAY, Friday…

We will not work on the leap day – this goes for EVERYBODY.

 

This'll mean that there will be nowhere open to buy anything and no gas or electricity pumped into houses. It'll be a lot like living in the past and it will make us grateful for all that we have now.

 

Now I know what you are thinking – that people will rush to the shops to stock up before hand in a gross display of moronic capitalist dependency like they do before Christmas and New Year… but this will not happen on LEAP DAY because…

 

We'd also have no police. If anything people would make sure they'd have LESS than usual amounts of stuff in their homes on this new improved LEAP DAY.

 

Yep, no police…. I believe that on the LEAP DAY absolutely nothing should be illegal – from drug taking to murder – it's all just personal choice. This will ensure that people are nice to each other for the majority of the time just to make sure no one comes to try to 'whack' them at the end of February… Flip side being that we also rid our society of people who piss us all off and/or deserve to die (Robert Kilroy Silk springs to mind).

 

But what, I here you ask, about people born on LEAP DAYS?

 

Well people born on leap days should become LEAP DAY KINGS – these people should not be granted status as human beings for the vast majority of their lives. They should not be allowed to take up jobs or be given any form of benefits; they should live on the streets eating out of bins. They will not be beggars; everyday folk will not be permitted to give them scraps, in fact people will be encouraged to spit at them whenever possible, kicking them when they least expect it and so on – generally treating them as Greek people treat cats.

But on LEAP DAY they should become kings.

Picture this…

 

KNOCK ON DOOR

POSH MAN : Hello who is it.

POOR MAN : I'm here to have sex with your wife

POSH MAN : How dare you!!!

POOR MAN : No, no, wait… I'm a leap day king.

POSH MAN : Oh I'm so sorry, please come in, it's an honour that you will be boning my wife… Martha!!! There's someone at the door for you!!!

 

This seems fair.

 

 

Now I know what you are thinking – 1) wouldn't most people just hide in their cold dark entertainment free houses all day armed with a shot gun and scared out of their minds and 2) what will the government do with all the money that it has saved by not paying civil servants and powering useless things like hospital equipment for a whole day?

Well relax I've thought it all through.

Its all so obvious that you've probably already guessed…

 

On LEAP DAY every squirrel in the country will be worth £1000 (which will get paid out by the government later in the week). To claim your money all you have to do is to catch a squirrel, write your name and address on its back with a marker pen then let it go. You will not be able to set traps for them earlier in the week – they must be physically caught on the day (the LEAP DAY KINGS can ensure no one cheats in the few weeks running up to the event, they can also be in charge of finding out who has won in the days following).

 

Catching squirrels is much harder to do than you might think. You will need wits, skill and more than a few friends. I can imagine parks being full of families happily enjoying the day's sun running around after their fluffy grey prizes. The fact that anyone can murder anyone else at any time will add to the drama and sense of occasion, surely much enjoyment will be had by all.

 

You see how it all fits together… Surely this means that it all makes sense.

Let me know if you want to contribute or expand on this idea.

All suggestions are welcome.

 

SAM

2:46 PM
 
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;-)

 
This made my day. You're hysterical. ;-) LMAO
 
Posted by ;-) on Friday, February 29, 2008 - 3:51 PM
[Reply to this] 
Santa's Buggerboyz

 
Does she mean hysterically funny, or just hysterical? Cos everytime you have a sad, irrational outburst it makes my day as well. Anyhoo, I approve of all this proposed brew-ha-ha. I've been tagging squirrels round our way with the Buggerboyz logo for years now, without so much as a sniff of fiscal remuneration. You're damned right its not easy, neither- slippery little customers, they are. Have you ever seen one masturbating? They just sit there looking all cute, rubbing their furry little genitals. And they never wash their hands afterwards, neither. Mind you, neither do I. Although I don't really see why I should have to wash my hands after watching a squirrell masturbating.
 
Posted by Santa's Buggerboyz on Friday, February 29, 2008 - 4:43 PM
[Reply to this] 
Minnie the Woo

 
The idea we are working an extra day is not necessarily accurate.
I am sure there must be a variaton in the number of working days versus weekend days from one year to the next.
Therefore the averaged salary paid for actual working days in the year will vary every year, not just on a leap year.

I agree it should be a holiday though, although if that happened no doubt it would become one of those compulsory national holidays where you have to take a day out of your own annual leave which is complete bollocks and annoying.

I see no reason why the extra day of the leap year is always in February and so I propose that each year we have a vote to decide which month to take it in, this would certainly make it more interesting and would mean anyone born on the leap date in the leap year would have no clue when they would have their next birthday. I think the only reason it is always a February is down to calendar manufacturers and they have enough of a say in how we run our lives already without having this additional power.

Alternatively we could have an extra 2 hours in every month of the leap year so the clock goes to 13 on the last day of the month or whichever day we chose, that would be fun.
 
Posted by Minnie the Woo on Friday, February 29, 2008 - 5:50 PM
[Reply to this] 
Miss Kitty Smith

 
Civil Servants in the Skills Council got the day off on the 29th, based on the fact that its an extra day. The Fuckers. Civil servants in MY fucking department (including me) got made to work extra hard, and got beaten with Elder Twigs just because. Grrr. On the plus side I did get to freak Jamie out by pretending to ask him to Marry me, which was funny.
 
Posted by Miss Kitty Smith on Sunday, March 02, 2008 - 7:54 PM
[Reply to this] 
buggerboy tom

 
As one of the long term unemployed, I am happy to announce that I got paid for this extra leap day just for sitting on my bony arse smoking dope and watching shitty daytime TV. And all at the expense of you dumb fucking taxpayers! God, I love Diagnosis Murder.
 
Posted by buggerboy tom on Sunday, March 02, 2008 - 7:44 PM
[Reply to this] 
*Podwangler

 
Meh, I get paid every 4 weeks, so I get paid for Leap Day. And a day without an internet? Fuck me, that would be like, I dunno, going a whole day without air or summat. I approve of being able to murder people one day a year though. It would be Payback Day, with a big list of people who've fucked me off over the previous 4 years. I would get kitted up with micro uzis and possibly a General Electrics minigun (like the one Blaine had in Predator) and hunt down those who have dared piss me off...

Also, would profoundly disturbing torture be legal on this day?
 
Posted by *Podwangler on Friday, February 29, 2008 - 6:29 PM
[Reply to this] 
Miss Kitty Smith

 
...But then they (the people who had pissed you off) would never get a chance to make it up to you the next year....
 
Posted by Miss Kitty Smith on Sunday, March 02, 2008 - 7:55 PM
[Reply to this] 
Santa's Buggerboyz

 
If we do as you say, and not count today (friday) as a proper day, then tomorrow (saturday) would be friday, and next leap year the wednesday would become tuesday. At this rate of losing days, in 730 years time we'd be celebrating christmas in the middle of bloody summer. If I wanted to do that, I'd move to New fucking Zealand, thank you very much. Its fucking anarchy, thats what it is.


However, I do like the bit about murdering people. I've always fancied a go at it using a nail gun, like in Lethal Weapon II.

Have you seen any squirrels wanking lately?
 
Posted by Santa's Buggerboyz on Saturday, March 01, 2008 - 2:05 AM
[Reply to this] 
Timmy Lives In My House

 
Only grey squirrels, right? They are a scourge and we should bring Elvis back from the dead to eat them. They look boney to me, but he seemed to enjoy them from what I've heard. There's a very entertaining song by Al Duvall caleed 'the squirrel shucking song' which tells you how to skin them. If you skin them it would make claiming your prize easier, but would it not count?
 
Posted by Timmy Lives In My House on Saturday, March 01, 2008 - 12:07 PM
[Reply to this] 
Santa's Buggerboyz

 
I've found that if you shave them, it makes it an awful lot easier to write your name on them. And of course, there's something very arousing about watching a shaved squirrel masturbating. I think red squirrels are fair game as well, red pubic hair on a squirrel has always been a turn-off for me. Although really, its just a question of finding one of the fuckers. You don't seem to get a great many round here. On that Elvis burger documentary, the recipe for fried squirrel involved beating the fuck out of it with a rolling pin to smash all the bones into digestible bits, then skinning it afterwards. It didn't mention killing them, though. Wht does Al Duvall suggest? Skinning a live squirrel seems like a slightly crueller alternative to shaving to me. But then they boiled their collard greens for about three hours, which to me is just fucked. Then he came third in an Elvis lookalike competition. Then it ended.
Has anyone got any squirrel porn?

I'm guessing Cracktown have.
 
Posted by Santa's Buggerboyz on Saturday, March 01, 2008 - 2:34 PM
[Reply to this]