Time is such an evasive thief. Right when you think that there will be time to do something, another thing comes into view and the distraction is just enough to cause an opportunity to be lost, to never return. I've never been one to hold grudges to the extent that I wish ill on anyone. I just don't have room in my heart for it. It's just easier on my own conscience to give everyone just enough room to retain their humanity in my vision. I can and do wish well for lots of people, but for others I can only say that I don't wish them harm. I'm able to be at ease this way, and internal struggles are trained and moored firmly from years of this habit. If this sounds like its going from issue to issue, it's only due to you not knowing my motivations and reasons. In any case, I thought there was time. I fully intended to offer what was never given me: a show of care. And there is no cry for pity in that. It just is what it is. I'm well adjusted to the facts and I don't need anything from anyone other than my Creator, who supplies all in His time.
What should have been done cannot be changed. Such is life. And surely if things had been different, then by default that part within me, the part that makes me who I am and how I think, would have been absent. No. I value the lessons more than what I would have gained by a simple birthday card, or even an acknowledgment of my very existence in this transient and fleeting life. I've fixed my sights on how I want to be, and how I don't want to be by the examples I have seen. Losses are inevitable, and knowing that makes me glad that I'm not in the insurance business. What stays with us in this life? Nothing really. But we do leave indelible markers of our life behind us. Understanding this is something that is real for me now. It's not that I didn't believe or accept the idea before. It's only that it is something I can see all the pieces fitting before my eyes now. Now, more than ever, I will set out each day to be good to people. I will smile at all of the children in my life, and make them know that they mean something to me. Of course I'll make mistakes. But, they won't be intentional and repetitive. After all, if something is done over and over it's no longer a mistake. The nature of the beast of free-will is that you direct it. And, something done repetitively becomes a willful system, and it can't waive the banner of being a mistake. I'm most Jewish in this respect. Like it or not.
Before the time slipped away, I had intended to say that I'm ok. I'd intended to say that for my part, you've done nothing that I can say I would do a double blink to try and change. At one point, I wanted to ask the reasons why. Why? Then, I thought again. I thought and I determined that in some cases, the answer is worse than the question. No answer would have been reasonable. Keep your dignity. Let the good go on as good, and the bad just fall off and be lost in the Sea of What's Past. It's fallen off now. And I can't even see where it even started or what has become of it. It's futile to try to find now.