Get it?  Right?

And I have this insane drive to try to roll myself all back up again in some neat tidy little yarn ball.  Put myself back on the shelf- tie the price tag back on and hope someone buys me for their next sweater project.  (Am I taking the analogy too far?) In short- I want to clean up.  Like- emotionally and spiritually.  I want to wipe off the table.  I don't want to feel this way.  But- I'm finding as I get older and hopefully wiser, that this is a fantasy wish.  This desire to become anything other that what I am right now in this VERY MOMENT, no matter what it is,  is kind of silly.  A waste of time, and good at really only driving me crazy and making waves against the Current That Is.

So- I'm living with the friz right now.  I'm trying not to question.  I'm trying not to hold it all together (well- except for my hours of parenting, let's be honest, I have to keep my shit together for the kiddos.  They are less equipped and not supposed to handle it for me.)  

But when they're not around and I sit here in the weirdness and the not-writing and the not- playing and performing, and the not-sure-where-I-stand-with-my-music-and-with-the-world, and I desperately wish some hair flowing in the wind prince would swoop me up on the rump of his steed and take me away from it all for a bit......I am here.  I am present.  I am in this place.  And I don't feel any better or any different.  And it doesn't look like there's any answers rising like Phoenix on the horizon. I'm just getting a little better at not running away.

Man- living consciously looked so much cooler in the brochure.  

I'm going to go have some green tea and wish it were an espresso- 

But drink it anyway.