So I get this email from my long lost dear friend Ugo Epping. I'm just ecstatic that he finally tracked me down. We go way back. Ahhh...Did a stint in 'Nam together. He never was much of a soldier (cried for his mommy, even while we were out on patrol looking for some Charlies to smoke), but damn that Ugo was one hell of magician and a great storyteller. Anyhow, the email he sent me was for what I believe to be some kind of Canadian venture he's currently trying to get off the ground, an online pharmacy. What a brilliant idea!! Why didn't any of us think of that?? Anyways, here's the email for all of you who might be interested in investing in this once and lifetime business opportunity, a chance to get in on the ground floor. This shit is gonna blow the hizzalackaway fo sho when we get all IPO up in this beotch. Oh-before I forget-please don't hesitate to place an order-Ugo needs some cash quick. He's trying to get with the sickness on some liquidity issues before he hits the big dawg venture capitalist mafia possee. Aww yeah. Hometeam knows how to bring it and keep his entourage pimped ecommerce pharmy style. Ill. Don't be shy, you know ya wanna get some...Follow the yellow brick teeth for full details as to how you can roll like a real player! Ugo Booyakasha Represent!! Namaste mutha fuckas!

The deets as delineated in said correspondence:

Hi,

S gm oma
Me zk ridia
Xa bw nax
Proza rq c
VAL in lUM from onl vi y $ ei 1,2 wj 1
Amb jn ien
ClALl zy S from onl jv y $ cl 3,7 bq 5
V rc lAGRA from onl gn y $ xn 3,3 qa 3
Levitr zj a


all 5 zj 0% of xo f http://www.amegiareg.com

Wait, no Xanies??? I didn't see any Xanies. Xanex....oooooooh, Xannnnnnnnnnex. He musta popped all of them when he wrote me cuz his spelling is shite. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he's got a nose for business. He's one bad ass innovative entrepreneur, a true visionary. His story is one of grit and numbing determination, a testament to the American dream, a vet taken to the edge of insanity's precipice, insanity we all found in that god forsaken place called 'Nam. Ugo was one of the lucky ones, but not so lucky like me. Saved all of our lives once...I'm getting all teary. Hold on.... Anyhow, that was then, this is now. Ugo, that guy. I tell ya, even when he's doing his out in the world, blazing trails in the e-commerce marketplace, he still takes the time to throw into all his correspondences outtakes from his vivid imagination. God bless him. Here is a little blurb at the footer of the email . Here it is verbatim:

dragon at the other end, so I will risk a third visit when I am no
longer sure. Anyway the only way out is down. And I think time you had
better all come with me. In desperation they agreed, and Thorin was the
first go forward by Bilbos side.
Now do be careful! whispered the hobbit, and quiet as you can be!
There may be no Smaug at the bottom but then again there may be. Dont


Don't what??? Oh that Ugo. So funny but never quite the same after he jumped on that grenade to save our platoon. Good thing he did, I mean after all, he was the one who pulled the pin and dropped it when he was attempting one of his famed Vaudevillian Gypsy magic tricks. He still knows how to spin a good yarn even after the accident, but never can finish a story. Gee. I wonder what will happen to Thorin and Bilbo when they get to the bottom. Will there be any Smaug?? Precious?? A Halfling circuit party with DJ Frodo rocking the decks? Damn you Smaug! Damn you!! I'm doctor not pharmacist! Now go pop some Xanies. That's an order!

Well anyhow, seems like Ugo's got some serious competition out there. I get all kinds email from folks I don't even know all day trying to make me a junky vis-a-vis Canada's abundance of cheap pharmies or convince me that I'm fat and depressed but don't need to go to the gym to get fit so my wife will be happy. Also seems to be a lot of great investment advice on hot new stocks and Nigerian enterprises trying to get off the ground and do good on their bad luck blues. I gotta say, though, I'm appalled at how most of these people have no command of the English language, yet I find it endearing and empowering to know that these people have to be much dumber than me. Whew. Still, a wise man once told me that there are many secrets and mysteries to be revealed through linguistics and their proper application in prose and the like. Yoda is the one exception. Grammar, spelling, phonetics?? Who needs them?? Need them not Yoda says. Still, that thar Internet thing sure seems like a stupid pill for the masses from time to time, but oh the possibilities to make some dough are endless!! Just leave yer, reeding, riting, and rithmatick at the door. Even mushheads can be fabulous and rich and maybe get laid cuz they have so many great friends on myspace and tribe and are really hot-even though the pic is in use by at least 472 other myspacers/tribester. The damn thing came from a frame someone bought for a picture of Dale Earnhardt that now lovingly adorns an altar honoring his memory as one of Amerika's finest heroes and true role models . That's hot. .Oh andDale, this Bud is for you. Rest in Peace. NASCAR will never be the same. Ahhhhhhhhh, it don't get much better than this. AMERIKA!!!

Yeah, Amerika. The world's dirty fat whore. Anything and everything goes. SALE SALE BUY BUY!! DO IT!!! Thank goodness Amerika is so good at innovating ways to bilk folks of money and convince them to buy things they soooooo badly need-no matter the price. It's on, mutha fuckas! Now with this Internet thing, I'm seeing the light at the end of tunnel. What a glorious future. E-commerce is power to the people!! Hells yes. If only I knew how to use AOL and check my Compuserve newsgroups. E-Commerce is a wild animal were just looking in the eyes, and damnit, that beast is telling all of its converts and followers to forgo ritualized linguistics in order to simultaneously dumbfound and bedazzle today's savvy consumer. SPAM is the new messiah. SPAM is the new Bible. SPAM is the new black. SPAM is the new jazz. Cooooool. Still, as a savvy consumer, there is nothing I deeply detest more than an ad or solicitation that uses proper English grammar and spelling, especially when puns, allegories, and play on words are used. The nerve of some people with their highfalutet ads and fancy English speak..Pish posh! I hate thinking too much. Modernity, what have you done to my brain? Must I think so much. I want my MTV. I think-wait-NO!!! Anyhow, just keep it simple when bombarding my brain, my space, my Life with useful and handy products that embellish our lives so richly. I hate it when my intellectual inferiority complex kicks into overdrive cuz then everything just goes to shit. Thank god for Doctor Phil.

Me like Spam, be it for breakfast, brunch, Thanksgiving-whenever, or as an effective marketing tool selling me essential goods and services. There's gold in them thar hills. Imagine for a moment how many pieces of mail would equal all the Spam sent out thus far?? Hills? Mountains?? Gold....Spam. Yum. Pink and gooey, sometimes white and green. Spam. It's what for dinner, beotches! Spam. Need some Valium? Spam? Want a big cock? Spam-the answer to what you need so go do yourselves a favor and turn that spam filter off and let it flow into your life. The rewards might one day be outta this world. Well, I should go and log onto to my PayPal, bank, credit card, and EBay account to update all my personal and financial information cuz I just got an electronic mail notice from those fine institutions of commerce and banking that do whatever it takes to look out for me, their loyal and trusted customer filling in that bottom line in order to keep Progress moving on and on and on. I am a consumer, patron, devotee to the Great Church of Capitalism, baptized into unHoly Order of Money, wherein I live a pure life to become a tax paying faceless number. A hero to some, a good citizen to the others, yet a victim in the end...Ooops, I did it again. Rewrite the script. Manifest change. Pragmatize the methods used for enacting the Now. Don't deny what is True, be it wide or narrow. Look the Beast in the Eye then turn the other cheek and dance your ass off into your new Reality. Make sure to account for it all in your latest blog, then once you're ready for the Big TIme, step to the SPAM and disseminate how you found your Bliss.