For the last few weeks I've been joining in the fun at the Hollywood Hellhouse. To that end, I sent out a bulletin the other week that included the following:

Also, tonight, and maybe on a few of the other days, I'll be appearing in the Hollywood Hellhouse. Come along and be saved. Look out for possible guest appearances from people far more famous than me.

How famous, you ask? Well at the moment, I'll be approached by between 2 and 5 people in a mid-sized airport. I'm talking about people who could walk through the same airport with sunglasses and a hat, and still get between 2 and 5 people saying "Are you Bill Maher?"

Oops.

I thought a combination of the website, the fact that Bill Maher is involved and the fact that anyone who's seen me on Last Comic Standing would have seen references to my lack of religion and generally liberal attitude would all make it clear that this show is a parody but this didn't stop me from getting the following email:

Matt,
Well, I guess I am going to have to severe my ties with you. I love your comedy and enjoy your posts, but I can not believe that you are actively promoting "Hellhouse"! They preach that homosexuals are evil!! A woman having to make the hardest decision of her life will burn in hell for ending a pregnancy!?
I am happily married (thus not homosexual), and have never had an abortion, but who am I to decide what is right for other people?
I am sorry, but goodbye. I was hoping to see you sometime in the Inland Northwest, now I don't think I will make the effort.

Sincerely,

Disappointed


Now I really don't want this to be seen as in any way taking the piss out of this woman, as I'm quite flattered that I do have the kind of (former) fans who care enough about these issues to actually do something about it. If anyone's going to take the Hellhouse at face value, I'd much rather it's with an air of disgust rather than a slap on the back and a cry of "Yeah, stick it to them fags" but it is still a bit funny.

There are clearly two ways to reply - briefly explain what is actually going on, or be so over the top and still in character that she couldn't do anything but realise it's a spoof. I had a whole flight to Florida to write it so the decision was easy:

Dear XXXXXX,

I do appreciate your email and your concern and will do my best to address the points you raised. I do genuinely hope I manage to change your mind for both moral reasons and because when you're only famous from a brief stint on a reality show you need every fan you can get.

Firstly, what do you mean by, 'who am I to decide what is right for other people?' Lets say you were in a mall, you noticed someone eating chocolate and you thought, 'That is quite a large chocolate bar. It might make him feel a bit sickly if he ate all of it really quickly.' Surely you'd step in and say something?

Now imagine that wasn't chocolate that man was eating in the mall, but male penis. Now you might still ignore it and walk on by saying 'This is none of my concern.' But most normal people, myself included, would watch it with a mixture of discomfort and fascination before eventually stepping in and saying something.

Remember, Jesus made Adam and Eve, not Adam and gay.

And what about the abortion issue (if you'll excuse the pun)? Well, who are we to say when life begins? Is it a child at the point of birth? Certainly. What about the day before that? Probably. But what about when it's just sperm and eggs? Well, I hope not or I've committed genocide in the name of college pranks.

So when does life begin? Well, the truth is, no one can say. Not scientists, not doctors, not even rabbis. So isn't it best to err on the side of caution and leave bags of flaming dog-mess on the doorstep of abortion clinics? The Pope certainly thinks so, and he's a Pope.

If you still don't believe the Hollywood Hellhouse is doing a good job, why not look at this youtube video from a previous year, featuring just some of the celebrities who endorse both the house, and the views we mutually hold: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qcOh4_BFzY

A cheap trick, I know, but it's so much easier to hold a point of view when you know you share it with genuinely famous people, and I do believe the ends justify the means. Please come around to our point of view. You'll feel so much more content, and the weather's nicer too.

Matt

Last Hellhouse is tonight. Do come.