Martha Stewart: Live and Living

                    By Domonic Haynie


"And you're on in 5...4...3...2...1..."

"Hi there, everyone, and welcome to the Martha Stewart show!  Starring me, Martha Stewart.  Today, some of my celebrity guests are: well, of course me, hahahaha, I'm just so funny (two people in the audience laugh, one of whom claps but is then beaten unconscious with a chair, and the other is just mentally retarded, and goes by the name of Stuart Legg who aslo happens to looks like a lizard), and George Bush (one person claps, but then is clocked in the side of the head by a baseball bat).  And, we have one amazing surprise guest."

"Excuse me, Martha!  I love your show!"

"I know, like all of you little assholes out there in the audience do.  But, that's enough, sit down before I take off my pants, and have you search through my forest, to find what's not supposed to be there!" (He sits) "Now, lets bring out the President of the United States, George W. Bush!"  (Everyone stands, as required by law)  

"Hello America, you may be seated..." (audience sits) "Now, I am going to have to ask anyone in here, that is gay, to leave please, because I don't want any more attention from what I am about to say then I would if gay people were still in here." (No one leaves) "Okay, great.  America, I have a surprise for all of you...I'm...not what you think I am...I...I...I, am gay." (As he looks out to the 238 audience members, 237 have smiles on there face, and one looks like he might pee his pants...because that guy's gay).

"Well, Mr. President, I, Martha Stewart...am shocked. Shocked that it took you so long to admit that you like men...and probably more than I do, and that's not very hard to do.  But, since you have been so dishonest for years, I am going to have to ask you to leave.  Take the window exit, it's much faster.  When the gravity kicks in, you'd better pray that someone catches you, because I know the rest of the world isn't."

2 minutes later...

"Now I'd like to welcome our next guest to the show...who is also going to be the final guest for the day...SPIDERMAN!!" (Spiderman obviously comes in through the window, shattering it, just as Mr. Bush just had...somehow, it reshattered...oh well).

"Hi Fartha. Haha, I always wanted to say that to you!"

"Spiderman...Is Martha Stewart gon' have to choke a bitch?"

"Cool, you watch Chapelle's Show too?"

"No, someone just told me about that...quite frankly, I just plain don't like black people. I don't know, it's probably because yesterday, one of the critters tried to steal my car.  Of course, I told it that it could have it...then called the cops and framed it.  It was savagely beaten with a club, ran over several times, and tazered for several hours.  After that, the police sprinkled some crack on it, and fled.  It's funny, because it seems like everyday a nigger gets accused of something that's not against the law."

"I think those things are alright, just as long as my door's locked, and it's light outside (or inside). Anyway, crazy thing happen.  Like, on my way here for instance.  I saved George Bush from falling out of your window, and landing on the bulls-eye on the pavement.  In the direct center, it had the phrase 'Reserved for G.W.B.'  Who knows what that stands for?  Instead, I accidentally dropped him, and he landed on the bulls-eye that says 'O.J.'."

"Well, I apprecia--excuse me, I mean America appreciate's what you did for us...we owe you dearly."

"No problem.  Sorry, I can't chat any longer, I have a date with MJ tonight, and Mary-Jane tomorrow.  I couldn't stand Kirsten Dunst...Either way, I'm gonna smoke MJ so good, it's gonna be great.  Oh, and a special thing for the ladies out there in the audience"...(lifts up abdominal part of costume, reveals abs...wolf-whistles, cat-calls, etc.)  Hey, why are you so embarassed man (pointing at the gay man)?

"I...I just sharted..."

(Spiderman slings a car together, and throws it at the man)

".....Well, thanks for being on the show, Spiderman, you really did us a favor."

"No problem, bitch...I'm just doing my job, since I'm not paid for it."

"Making you a white nigger-slave, right?"

"Hypothetically, technically, sexually, and homosexually, yes, it does.  Good bye." (And he swings through the window, and shatters it, yet again)

"Well, thanks people for coming to my show...I know you all wanted to. (UGH!) Haha, I just shit myself, and it wasn't even while trying to fart...I'm never going to Taco Bell again, they make me poop.