International Study Finds Human Flatulence is Greatest Contributor to Global Warming
Staff Report
Nepal - At the International Conference on Global Warming in ....Nepal...., environmental scientists revealed a newly published study showing that human flatulence is the greatest contributor to Global Warming.
Announcing the results of a three-year multidisciplinary study on human flatulence and Global Warming, environmental scientists and experts alike were stunned. Dr. Lester Fuchs, Director of the International Centre for Digital Atmospheric Modeling said, "When we compiled the results, we were astounded by what we were finding. The volume of greenhouse gases produced by HFP (Human Flatulence Pollution) was way beyond what we expected."
He further stated, "When the team came to me with the results, I insisted that they recheck them; I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. We found that, on average, each person is responsible for 9.57 kilograms of greenhouse gases per annum from flatulence alone. While this might not seem significant at the individual level, when you multiply that by the world population, it is a different story.
"For instance, the UK with a population of sixty million people is responsible for approximately 120.5 tonnes of HFP per year. Globally, we estimate that 31.85 million tonnes of greenhouse gasses are generated each year from the simple act of human flatulence."
Dr. Fuchs went on to state a concern about the rising trend in veganism, saying, "It's common knowledge among scientists studying flatulence in humans that vegetarians and vegans flaulate much more than people eating a average diet. If the trend toward veganism continues, human flatulence will be the most
significant contributor to greenhouse emissions - exceeding that of cars and industry combined.”
The groundbreaking study has not only caused concern among environmental scientists, several top international cancer researchers have entered the debate.
Dr. William Speck, of the international Fractal Carcinogenicity Research Institute, and member of the multidisciplinary research team, today said at a press conference in Paris, "When we reviewed the chemical analyses of HFP and ran several computer models, we became very concerned. Up to 37 potentially carcinogenic compounds may be present in HFP. Our results show that HFP could be responsible for more cancer deaths than lifestyle and smoking combined. This new research may well turn the late Sir Richard Doll's seminal finding on lifestyle and smoking as the primary causes of cancer on its head."
Dr. Speck went on to state, "With regard to 'evidence based science', I think we have a clear link between HFP and cancer. Our regressive basal analyses modeling unequivocally shows that all cancer victims were exposed to either self-induced HFP or resultant second-hand HFP. The statistics don't lie. We can confidently state that there is a causal link between HFP and cancer."
" We are urgently requesting the World
Health Organisation to fund in-depth studies into the probable link between HFP and cancer," said Dr. Speck.
The groundbreaking study used a cultural cross section of older people, adults, and children to determine the average volume of HFP emitted into the Earth's atmosphere per year.
Professor Harold deBurger, lead scientist on the project, said, "Frankly, I was astounded that the volume of HFP exceeded both that of greenhouse emissions from carbon based fuels and BFP (Bovine Flatulence Pollution) combined.
"This is a factor that had never been considered before, and if people change their eating and drinking habits, we could see a significant reduction in the rate of Global Warming within a year. It's all about taking personal responsibility for reducing HFP and therefore reducing its impact on Global Warming."
Prof. deBurger, also stated that the two-day conference on Global Warming would conclude by issuing recommendations from leading dietary experts on ways to reduce the volume of HFP emitted into the atmosphere every year. But he also said that more research is needed before any anti HFP strategy was implemented by world governments.
He said, "We have the world's leading scientific minds looking into this problem. Concurrently, we are designing follow-up studies, which will be discussed at the ETRIAL Environmental Conference on Global Warming sometime next week."
However, Dr. Nigel Woodriff, environmental scientist and greenhouse gas expert, was somewhat skeptical. He said, "At first, I thought the study was of no significance, but after reviewing it with other recognised experts in the field, such as myself, we agreed that the study was well designed and executed. There is no doubt that HFP is the greatest contributor to Global Warming, but what are we going to do about it?"
He went on to say, "People simply don't change their eating habits over night. For instance, all of India would have to cease eating curries - I think that is an unrealistic prospect to entertain. Frankly, I would find it very difficult to give up beans on toast for tea, which I have twice a week. Governments can legislate on where people can and can't smoke a cigarette, but I don't think they can practically legislate for people's eating habits."
However, Dr. Woodriff is optimistic that something can be done to reduce HFP without radically affecting people's eating habits. "There are practical measures that governments can quickly put in place which would reduce the annual volume of HFP, such as adding sodium bicarbonate to the drinking water, adding digestive charcoal to HFP-promoting foods, or educating people about the dangers HFP poses to the environment.
"Personally, for the sake of the environment, I would be willing to cut down on foods that promote HFP - such as my beans on toast and the occasional curry. We could cut the yearly volume of HFP in half by 2010 using the simple measures I mentioned - with Governmental cooperation. I would say that is an attainable target, without imposing draconian measures."
In the UK, the Department of Environment has promised to respond to this emerging crisis. On condition of anonymity, a spokesperson said, "Now that we know that HFP is the most significant factor in the acceleration of Global Warming, we will be looking into legislation within the UK and EU to significantly reduce volumes. Clearly this matter is urgent, especially when you consider the constantly increasing population. However, we must get the balance right. Early next year, we shall be commissioning an independent review of HFP research from a panel of our foremost scientific experts. We expect to publish recommendations sometime in 2008. We are taking this report very seriously."
Human rights activists take a different view of the situation. Mindy Surekemp, MUSP spokesperson said, "The minute the government attempts to regulate what we eat, we will take the case to the EU Court of Human Rights. Our view is that this study is just another ploy by carbon dioxide emitting corporations and government to further erode our fundamental human rights so industry can continue unrestricted carbon dioxide emissions."
Environmentalists, however, supported the call for action. Lesley Holsombe of Earth Viewers said, "Our organisation welcomes any legislation that will significantly reduce the volume of HFP. We view the government's recognition of this major environmental pollution problem as a step in the right direction, but their reluctance to initiate immediate legislation is troubling."
In the mean time," Ms Holsombe said, "We will be picketing food manufacturers and also restaurants that serve more than three items on their menu that promote HFP."
Environmentally friendly restaurant owners have pledged to provide containers of digestive charcoal with all meals. Some will also be creating new dishes using digestive charcoal as an ingredient.
Phillip Edwards, owner of The Fermented Flower, an upscale organic restaurant in South London, said, "We have been into an HFP free cuisine for over ten years. Our clientele are more enlightened than most. No one likes to be around a person who randomly flatulates. And now that we know it contributes to Global Warming and has been proven to cause cancer, the Fermented Flower will be an HFP free zone."
A high-ranking cabinet member, speaking off the record, said, "In spirit, Mr. Brown agrees that something has to be done about HFP, and stated that the UK will do its part. But this is something new, and there is a need for more scientific research."
Meanwhile, environmental scientists and experts say that we are suffocating in our own HFP. At the conclusion of the International Global Warming Conference, scientists and government representatives agreed to disagree about the significance of HFP's contribution to Global Warming. However, they agreed to discuss the issue further at a conference on Global Warming in ....Las Vegas...., next week.(ends)....