Sometimes my mind is a roller coaster ride.
It is up, then down, then up again, until I think I might throw up.
I figure the best way to deal is to let it out.
Even if I don't think anyone is going to listen.
So I am going to be writing a lot more.
And this is not a bad thing for me.
A little vulnerability may be just what I need.

I had always tried to be that person.
The one who looks at things differently.
The one that you can always go to for advice.
The one not afraid to challenge someone.
I am not that person at all.

What happened, what changed?
I had been asking myself that for years.
Going over old movies in my head.
My only conclusion is that life had happened.
It snuck up behind me and gave me a knuckle sandwhich.
It knocked me out in the second round.
Since then I have been afraid to get back up.

I can honestly say that I am not honest.
No one that I am friends with currently knows me in my current state.
And I wouldn't want them to.
I don't even know me.
I am done trying to go back and be the same person, it doesn't work.
So all that is left is to move forward.
But in order to do that I need to face my past demons.
I have to figure out what went wrong and stop it from happening again.

I know the saddest thing for me to face is the thought that I am not missed.
That fact is the thing that keeps me cautious.
It doesn't allow me to get close to anyone.
Even though I desire that connection more than anything.
I feel like I am easy to walk away from.
So many people have walked away.
Why should I believe otherwise?

I keep myself hidden so deep.
Something is constantly screaming in me to get out.
It is difficult to walk around like that everyday.
And smile, and tell people you are fine.
When all you really want to do is fall apart.
Just to feel a little human again.
To have someone see the real you and stay.
Even though you are a complete mess.
To feel worth something.
Because sometimes I feel so worthless.

I keep everyone at an arms length.
To protect myself, to not get hurt.
Let down, dissapointed.
You can't be dissapointed when you don't expect anything.
I have hurt myself worse than any enemy could.
No one is there when I can't breathe.
When I can't sleep at night because I'm shaking too bad.
I have no one to blame but myself.

I know better, I am not a stupid person.
I know somewhere out there, someone feels the same.
I know I am going to get hurt sometimes.
That is life.
And to avoid that is to not live at all.
I just want to feel.
I want to cry.
I want to laugh.
I want to stop being afraid.
Worried.

Truth.
Truth is I miss me.
I miss feeling people around me.
I miss getting to know everyone and looking them in the eye.
I miss someone reaching to touch me and not flinching.
I miss the hurt, as weird as it sounds.
It is what makes me feel human. Alive.
It makes me feel like I put myself into a relationship I cared about.
I miss you more than you will ever know.
I hope someday to change that and tell you.

Sometimes you have to lose yourself in order to find out who you really are.