This is in some ways the easiest thing I have hd to write in a long time. Due mostly to the fact that all that is required is the truth, something I have been unable to offer for most of my life. The last year and a half has seen me, Mat Beltran unravel and become once more a deceptive and selfish drug addict. I do not wish this blog to contain poetic imagery nor be a tool to gain sympathy and support neither of which I am deserving. Instead I hope it will be the first step in a very long road of recovery and amends to the many people I have hurt and let down. At the top of this list is my wife, who after marrying me only a couple of years ago has been left to pick up the pieces of her broken dreams and hopes, yet forged ahead with her faith and dedication to better knowing and loving God. It is testimony to the woman, mother and friend to many that she is, how she mantains a spirit of optimism and thanks while enduring physical sickness and the raising of two young boys alone, as well as the betrayal and hurt she has endured from the one person who is supposed to carry the burden with her.

I  also want to make clear that all those who have been part of Gethsemane have in no way,partaken or had knowledge of what has been going on in my life. They are in fact good people, who love one another and others in their lives! Neither the band nor the label I am associated with is aware of the situation I find myself in, sorry you had to fin out this way. I apologise to the guys in the band who had faith and wanted to be a part of a musical experience that mattered. Something that could give testimony to their faith and offer grace to those who were ready to recieve it.  Also to Todd Sanderson, Nadine and everyone who gave up much to keep the wheels rolling. To the churches who have had us play, the festivals, and all those who have supported us to you too I apologise.

As I said, I don't want this to be anything more than what it is. I will however admit that I have never been prepared to do what needed to be done in terms of confronting the problems in my life. I wanted God to wave a magic wand and change all my sortcomings. When he didn't I did what i have always done, run or put a band aid on them. I am choosing to write this not as a humble transparent person, but a realist, who can no longer numb the pain or play the game. To live, I have no other choice. I hope that I may find for the first time in my life, true faith, the ability to selflessly love and care for others and a relationship with God.