watching a loved one die, particularly a parent, puts you in an untenable position. resentment, being faced with their sudden mortality, and denial make it hard to want to connect. no matter what you do, you'll wonder if you did enough or why you did what you did. we're terrible people when it comes to biology, but at least we don't have to go it alone. you know you have people you can lean on whenever you need them, and that at least counts for something.

the fact is, we never know when anyone will go. I could drop dead before my mother any given day. why does it take illness to make us assured of something that should be fact anyway? the only thing you can do in life is try and be a good person and treat others as though each moment were your last. if you do that, then you're maximising your life and the lives of those you touch, and in our brief existences, isn't that the most we can hope for?

you're a good person, and your father knows he's loved. take some solace in that, if nothing else.
 
 

oh fuck. when do you want me to come down ::hugs you:: I love you so much, be strong Marfar...;.;
 
 

ive said everything that ive needed to say and you know all you need to know. love is the drug bebeh.
 
 

i heart you. baa!