DAY TEN: FRANCES, DOLORES & MY SKIN  1/5/2009

It is the final day. Last night before we went to sleep, Danny said a prayer asking for nice weather. I woke up at six this morning, unable to shake thoughts of real life… bills, house cats, the job… they all leak in and I try to get back to sleep. Finally I give up and get up.

I work on my journal for a while and wait for the others to rise. I had no idea that Millie had gone to bed at 5. It's few hours before everyone is up. I am well into my third cup of tea when Helen appears. She gets Millie and Danny out of bed and makes French toast for breakfast.

It's around 12 when we finally leave the house. Our last outing. The intention today is to do a little shopping in Killarney and then back home for dinner followed by Cyril and Brendan for "Facts in Five", a trivia game that they are all crazy about.

On the way to Killarney we stop at Helen's friend Maura's house and chat with her a bit. As we are talking we are watching the Biography of John Mills. As much as I like Maura, I'm itching to get to Killarney. I still haven't been into any record stores, which is one of the things that I wanted to do here. I can feel every minute burning away, I know it's a little selfish but Helen can get a little sidetracked.

We don't stay at Maura's long and we head toward Killarney, taking the back road. The FUBW  as my wife calls it – Fucked Up Back Way. She calls any short cut or country road I find to get me to the same destination this. Actually, I pretty much call these by the same name now – but I still take them.

I suppose after so many journal entries it's redundant to say "it was a beautiful drive"… but it was. The sky is completely blue – the sun is hanging above the mountains over our shoulder and this place is so green… well, you get the picture. We pass through the small town of Beaufort – which we'd come to on the first night for the quiz – but this time we go through to into Killarney.

We are right in the center of town… when Helen decides to sidetrack us one more time. She's taking us to one more sightseeing place before hitting the shops. Like a selfish little shit – I was steamed. I just wanted to…

Right there, in that moment, I realized something very deep about myself. It explained something that my friend Laurie joked about on Facebook. "You're the only person I know who goes to another country to watch T.V.". It's absolutely true.  It explains why I am so fascinated with grocery stores and TV and road signs and the food and the money. My vacation isn't going to Ireland to see it… I want to BE Irish. For 10 days I want to live like the Irish live. I want to buy what they buy, eat what they eat, watch what they watch and launder their clothes the way they do. I do it everywhere. Killorglin, London, New Mexico, Miami… it doesn't matter. I want to submerge myself in who these people are. That's what I want out of a vacation – I want the experience of being outside of myself… being somebody else. Trying on a different life.

I cannot tell you what this revelation did to me. It stunned me… but after 37 years it explained so much. It explained why, when I would leave some place, like San Diego or Miami, it felt like I was taking off a skin. I thought it was business… but I was taking off Miami. The skin of someone from Miami. I have always bristled at tourist spots and sought out the genuine… where the locals eat… what dishes do they eat around here? Where do they shop.

God, it was like somebody kicking me in the back of the head and a little metal ball dislodging itself and dropping into the right hole. "This is who you are, stupid!" Even when I read back on this journal – look at what I focus on.  

Ross Castle was beautiful, looking out onto the lakes and islands, we snapped a few pictures and then hopped in the car. Back to downtown Killarney.

With my newfound self-discovery in hand I hit the shops. Danny came with me while Millie and Helen headed off in another direction. There were two shopping arcades – small shopping malls, really. They almost reminded me of Montreal's underground city. A loose connection of small shops all joined together through small causeways and pushed into unlikely shapes by existing structure. Not the well planned, pristine shopping malls of the States… which are dying off, sadly. (That's a whole 'nother piece of writing from me). These are , we've got this space – let's see what we can do with it and get in multiple renters.

I get my chance to hit two record shops – Music Express and Roxy Records. Again, in Music Express I am faced with a dilemma – what to buy. I don't want to buy something that I could readily get at home. I look for Kings of Leon because I have seen their new video for "Use Somebody" 4 times now on one of the video channels and I love it. Sadly, they don't have it. Happily I find two other CDs that I snatch up; "Damien Rice – Live and Union Chapel" and "The Essential Dolores Keane".  Can't get them fuckers at Wal-Mart. And I love Dolores Keane. As Tom Russell says, she is the voice of the Irish earth. (I am writing this later and have listened to this 2 disc set… it is freakin' phenomenal!!)

Now, Danny came with me because I promised that we would stop at some places he wanted to stop… which, of course meant video games. I have explained to him that the Playstation games won't work at home. But the Nintendo DS games will… plus I gave him 50 Euro and it's burning a hole.  After a stop in a tiny book store, where I pick up a beautiful little hardback edition of "Origin of Species" (gold trim, built in bookmark ribbon… unabridged… beautiful)… we hit the high street again.

Did you know that Killarney has a Game Stop. Yes, Mitch, a Game Stop. So guess where we went. Danny was over the moon and bought two used games – "Ninja Reflex" and the new "Super Mario Brothers" for his DS.

I call Helen and set up our meeting point. A quick stop in a news agent to pick up a "Doctor Who Adventures" magazine for Danny… and then we wait.  On the way home from Killarney we stop an another cousin's house. Gerard and Peggy Collins, and their daughter Niamh (who I am happy to say, has a Facebook account). It was a nice little visit but we were soon off  again.

Back home we have set about packing. I am neurotically concerned with us all getting up in time. After a time, with most everything packed, I settle down on the couch and start journaling.

We finish the last of the seafood chowder as a starter and Helen makes another meatloaf. They are delicious but I she thinks we are a little more obsessed with meatloaf than we actually are.

A little later Frances shows up. Frances has been popping up periodically while we have been here. She's a little crazy and keeps asking us if we want Chinese food. "Would you like a Chinese," she asks on more than one occasion. "Just call if you want a Chinese. I'll spring for a Chinese. Does Danny eat Chinese."  It actually gets to the point where I ask Helen if Frances owns one of the two Chinese places in Killorglin. She doesn't, she's just crazy. She has these eyes that seem to leap out of her skull as she stares at you. And her hair is yellow and white like a mixed bag of plain and buttered pop corn. Apparently she's a vegetarian… but not in the "she eats a lot of vegetables" way. She just doesn't eat meat – but eats mostly bread and… apparently cigarettes. She's a character that I imagine Terry Jones playing on Python. She's a nice lady, just a little nutty.

Soon Cyril arrives with his brother Gerard O'Neill. Padraig and his sister Emma are in tow to play with Danny. They start settling down for a game of Facts in Five, which apparently is an old trivia game that they played as kids. Someone found it on eBay and all the grown ups are excited… until Cyril asks if Frances wants to stay and play. Helen looked as if she was going to push a lamb out of her ass.

So we play… and almost all of them smoke.  5 categories like Name Brands, American Cities, World Leaders, Diseases and Animals.  Then 5 letters : BWVPM .  So… 5 Name Brands that start with B. 5 American Cities that start with B … and so on. It's fairly complex. Frances never seems to catch on… she's too busy burning her hair with her cigarettes. No really, I'm not lying. She doesn't even notice.  I swear, if Helen had a gun she'd have shot her like Han Solo did to Greedo in Star Wars. And no (for all you Star Wars purists)… Frances wouldn't shoot first either.

We have fun… and we argue… and we marvel at Frances.

At 10, Helen boots everyone out. Danny and Padraig say their goodbyes, as do we.

I set the alarm on my cell phone for 5:30. My alarm? "Gut Thumping" by Gag Reflex.

Leaving Millie and Helen awake in the dining room, Danny and I go off to bed.


DAY 11:  TERMINAL FROST  1/6/2009
 
The strains of me and my Gag Reflex mates wake me at 5:30… and again at 5:35. 

I have never missed a flight. Not for business. Not for pleasure. And I won't this time.

It's still dark outside and I wake Danny. He's groggy as he pulls himself to his feet. I dress quickly and make sure he stays awake. We need to leave by 7 to be at the airport by 9. It's a two hour ride to Shannon airport (longer because Helen is ssssllloooowww) and we're going to run into rush hour traffic. Now, it might be a little lighter than usual because it's Nollaig na mBan – Women's Christmas in Ireland.

In America, Christmas is a couple of days. In Ireland, it lasts two weeks. Today is the last day of Christmas. The tradition is that this is a day for the men to take over the housework and give the women a break after preparing meals and everything  else over the past two weeks. It's an old tradition, but it's still a day when women all over Ireland go out for lunch or dinner with their lady friends. I'd imagine that the younger set will booze it up proper tonight.

I don't have time to think about the wonders of a country full of drunk women… I have tea and sausages to make. Our last Irish sausages. Apparently there is a company in Tinley Park, Winston's,  that makes them. So we can get them at home, we just have to hike to Tinley Park.

I finally pack up my computer and help Danny finish packing. As I start the tea and sausages, Helen's wake up call comes through and she is out of bed. Tea with a drop of milk. For me? Tea, milk and two Splenda. The sausages are cooking up nicely… throw in some toast. I have Danny checking around for things we might be forgetting. I hate forgetting things. When they will be left in another country… well, I needn't tell you my neuroses surrounding this.

I check our passports and flight information at least 7 times while I'm making breakfast. I am in pre-flight mode, which is almost as bad as pre-show mode.

Eventually Millie is awake, the suitcases are by the door, mp3 players are charged… it's time to hit the road.

It is dark at 10 to 7  when we step outside. The sky is clear and the car is covered in a layer of frost, which we weren't expecting. It's not real common, apparently, and Helen has to find her scraper, while I start scraping with my expired Sweet Tomatoes gift card. Soon the windows are fairly clear and we are on the road.

The roads are barren at this time of morning. The commuters for Killorglin to Tralee or Killarney are still at home. We turn on Irish talk radio and they keep talking about dangerous frost on the road. I know… being from Chicago, I want to laugh, but I don't. They are very concerned.

We roll on through the darkness, through towns and villages. Millie is asleep in back and Dan is silent, unable to play his DS. Helen has the annoying habit of braking to a crawl every time a car passes her. I don't understand it and I want to scream "I HAVE NEVER MISSED ONE, HELEN!! IF I DO… SOMEBODY DIES!! IF YOU TOUCH THAT BRAKE AGAIN I AM GOING UGLY AMERICAN ON YOUR ASS!!" I don't say it of course.

To the east the sky beings to lighten. We have moved out of County Kerry – Killorglin, Dingle, Killarney, Milltown, Tralee and Beaufort are now well behind us. We have moved into county Limerick… or should I say

"We drive on into County Limerick
the roads are all frosty and slick
Helen's slow on the wheel
but I won't make a deal
because I don't want to look like a dick"

There is one point as the sun is starting to break on the horizon, that we come around a hill and we can see across the valley ahead of us. The frost has grayed the entire landscape and a cushion of fog is resting low to the ground. It's absolutely stunning. I would think it was snow if I didn't know better.

This part of the country got hit harder by the overnight freeze that County Kerry did.  We have been on the road for almost an hour and a half  - we were hoping to be to the airport by 9AM but that hope is slipping away fast. The flight isn't until 11:40, so we're not going to miss it, but it's frustrating.

We do have to make one stop that we've been planning since the day we landed. Millie needs to get soil from Adare for one of her friends. Adare was her maiden name.  We stop there, Danny has a pee and Millie digs soil out of a nearby potted plant.

Adare is a pretty little town that dates from the 13th century and has gone to great lengths to maintain some of it's historic sites. Thatch-roofed houses sit along the road, glazed with frost. A church built by the returning Crusaders sits near the road.  You can see pictures here - http://www.adare-ireland.com/  .  I would like to stay and have breakfast at The Pink Potato, but we can't.

Next we "blaze" through Limerick at rush hour. Sigh. It wasn't bad, not like trying to take Route 88 toward Chicago on a Tuesday morning.  But it's already 9.

The sun is well in the sky as we pull up to Shannon airport at 9:30. I shouldn't have worried. There is no line to check in. We have our boarding passes before Helen parks the car and comes into the airport.

We sit with her in the café and have one last snack with her. It's a little sad, of course. But we know we'll be back and we still have the trip home. We hug and say our goodbyes.

We coast past customs. Hundreds of U.S. soldiers are waiting to catch flights. I seems they are coming home, where they were bound, I'm not sure. Every time I see then I want to say something. I want to say thank you for serving our country. I want to say I'm sorry that our leaders have sent you into danger because of faulty information. I'm never sure what to say – or who to say it to. God knows what they've seen or had to do. While they wait to go through customs to get back into their own country, I sheepishly move on to my gate.

The reason we didn't go through Customs was because our flight from Shannon stopped in Dublin. We got to have the wonderful experience of taking all our stuff off the plane after 35 minutes in the air. Then we had to wait in line at Customs, get our passports stamped and then wait to get back on the plane.

It was a pain in the ass and I think at that point 12 days together had finally worn on the Schwartzes and tempers flared.  By the time we are back in the air we are fine, but it's time to be home and we have another 7 hours in those seats.

I wish there was some sweeping, poetic end to this trip that I could relay. Fairy tales, adventure stories, operas and detective novels all end because what comes after is… well, frankly not always worth writing about. Prince Charming and Cinderella paying the mortgage. Indiana Jones having nothing to do on a Sunday afternoon and falling asleep in the Barcalounger listening to Baby Snooks. Sam Spade catching a cold and calling in sick to work.

All vacations, no matter how wonderful end with you watching your luggage come down a slide. No matter how exotic and wonderful it ends with a slow ride home over well covered ground. The faces of the last days… Cyril, Frances, Padraig, Maura, Siobhan, The Arch Bishop… they all dance in front of me as Chicago snow falls outside the limo window. The taste of the sausages and Club Orange visits me. The smell of the burning Gorse. Spongebob in Gaelic. My little family standing in the sun in the hills of Glen Car.

I look over at them both, asleep – exhausted from traveling- in the dim dome lights of the limo. I'm so glad I could give them this. I'm so happy I could give them the exhaustion of a world traveler.

I turn up the blue limo halo lights, close my eyes and doze off as the car edges through the Illinois snow and traffic toward our little green home.