I had trouble sleeping last night so i thought I would share a little of what went on. So I have this dream that I am a stand up comedian and I am on stage. It feels very natural and the crowd is luvin' every minute of it...
I decide to try out some new material.
..."So I am the kinda guy that likes to be prepared for situations. If I make myself familiar with my surroundings ahead of time I usually am able to adapt more quickly. I was thinking about how people pack "emergency kits" for the unexpected...ya know flashlight, batteries, saltines or cheez-its (which ever you prefer), clean socks and underwear, condoms, mayonaise, a stop watch, bible, Michael Bolton's greatest misses, etc.
So I had this great idea. When most guys go to prison for the first time they don't know what to expect or how to survive. There are so many new experiences up ahead that it can be overwhelming for some. That's why I decided to invent the Prison Preparation Kit or PPK for short. It will only consist of 2 items. A giant black dildo with suction cups and a bar of soap. The included instructions will read as follows:
Step 1: Place Giant Black Dildo on shower wall opposite of shower head.
Step 2: Take off clothes.
Step 3: Turn on shower and begin to lather up with included soap bar.
Step 4: Drop the soap.
Step 5: Bend over to pick up soap and attempt to dodge giant black dildo protruding
from the wall. (be sure to bend at the knees for full flexibility potential)
Step 6: Pick up soap, stand back up and clench your cheeks to maximum clench
power (level 5 clench for those of you familiar with my system)
Step 7: Smack yourself in the face, pull your hair, then call yourself a little bitch and
punch yourself in the eye until it is black.
"Congratulations! You have now successfully completed the 7 Step Prison Preparation Kit. You are now good and ready for a good ol' fashioned anal raping! "
The crowd went silent...and by crowd I mean all 3 guys that were left in the club.
They then proceeded to the stage and beat me up, dragged me to the alley and proceeded to give me that good ol' fashioned anal raping I had jokingly said I was prepared for.
Ladies and gents...I was not prepared.
The moral of the story is you can self inflict anal rape all day thinking you are prepared for what lies ahead but the truth is you can never prepare to have your soul stolen in a dark alley behind Ross' Dress For Less at a 2 bit comedy club in middle America. For those of you who have been anally pummeled by a gang of thugs, I apologize for pouring lemonade on the wound of your anal rape scars.