i'll first apologize and say that if you read any further, there is a possibility that you might find this to be overly dramatic. please forgive me as this thing i am about to write on just happened and so the emotion is still quite raw.

i tried to boot up my imac today. i say tried because it never quite happened. i was with friends who suggested i bring my mac to the store. i had been meaning to upgrade it and so i thought i might as well. i made an appointment and off we went.

some background for you: i bought my imac when they first came out. we had saved all the money made at the aragon ballroom gig and it was finally time. i had always wanted to record a new album at home. an imac would be the solution.

we bought her in september of '04 (i think.) we ordered it on a monday and got her on a tuesday. her factory name was apple and i never changed it. in those four years, she's held my finished, unfinished, and never meant to be heard by anyone else songs.

today, a guy named dave at the genius bar, in the apple store based in old orchard mall in skokie illinois, nervously told me that apple had a busted capacitor, broken firewire, and damaged logic board. even if we made repairs, she may still act up and that it would probably cost me alot of money. also, apple was too old and didn't have the requirements to even be upgraded. i cut him off and said so in other words, you're telling me that my mac is dead? a sheepish nod came out of dave and my heart sank.

i held a brave face and tried to make light of the situation by outlining a tear on the side of my face as dave tried to give me other solutions. but it was no use and i could  see it.

as we walked out of the store, my friends tried to suggest other things to do with apple or as gabe put it an expensive paper weight. but it was too much to take in. i asked that we not talk about it any more adding i wrote all the songs for noise noise noise on this mac. it was then i realized that i would not be able to record on apple anymore. and songs that i secretly kept in her and forgotten about would be lost. (i told you this would be overly dramatic)

i regret that i never thought of my mac as an instrument because clearly, she was.

usually when i lose something, i try to comfort myself by thinking it was meant to be. it's a sign that something new is coming along and the thing that i've lost has served it's purpose and letting go meant moving on.

where am i going with this? i know that's what you must be thinking. i'm sorry for rambling, really i am. i guess i just wanted to take a minute and say thanks to my soon-to-be retired mac. it was good times while it lasted and i'm sad to see you go.