whenever people ask me what it's like to be the number 1 most involved parent volunteer at xxx school i always say the same thing. and it's always a lie.

it's destroying me, i say. i can't organize, literally, without exaggeration, everything *and* make unique, lasting bonds with each administrator, teacher and staff member that positively and crucially elevates the pedagogical barometer of our mission without it exacting a heavy price in my personal and professional life. it's practically like being roasted alive how i manage to charmingly/forcefully encourage our dedicated (skinflint) parents to dig into their lint and button lined pockets in a fiscally irresponsible manner and throw money hand over fist at a school that frankly wasn't all that great to begin with. at least before i got here.

the truth is that it's easy. easy to get and stay involved. easy to do 'more than anyone else'. i'm here to tell you that if you've been reluctant to volunteer your time in fear that once the flood gates open committee chairs will stalk and pounce smelling 'blood in the water', fear not. here's some advice: just say yes. look at me, i've managed to juggle an enormous amount of responsibility.. some people say it's almost like i'm everywhere at once, and yet i don't really feel like i've tapped my full potential.

i don't have hard numbers.. most of my stats are evolving and we won't know for sure the true impact i've had on the school until perhaps decades from now, but the preliminary reports have me improving the fledgling institution in all key categories by an average of 26 percent ( +/- 3 percent margin of error).

here just a few early numbers i can share with you. since i became a recess monitor there is a

- 19% drop in instances of children climbing up the slides the wrong way.

- there has been a 4% drop in rock throwing.

- upon 'making' me coming around the corner, borderline unacceptable behavior has been squelched by means of the children exchanging a series of discrete nods an increased 60% of the time.

-a 40% reduction in need to change muddy clothes since i instituted a 'no getting dirty' policy. the policy has been well received by 89% of hygiene obsessed parents, that number jumps to 99% when we narrow our focus to parents who carry hand sanitizer at all times without fail.

but my positive influence is not just limited to the recess yard...

i helped save the school $30,000 simply by refusing to have my commissioned portrait painted and hung in the yellow school house. i understand the communities' need to thank me in an officious and expensive way, but i'll tell you that right now it's too early. the time for portrait painting and building naming is far, far down the road. i'll let you know when the time is right.